I'm a nanny. I work with children. I LOVE kids. Well, part of me does. They're great when they love you back, snuggle up close, or learn new things but they scare the he'll out of me when they kick and scream, tell me who's boss, or have any sort of tantrum. Children overwhelm me sometimes. I internalize what people say, and little people do not have sensors.
Not only do children overwhelm me, I overwhelm myself when I'm around kids or think about having kids of my own! What if I screw them up? What if I say the wrong thing? What was I supposed to say in that meaningful pep talk about failure or boys or doing the right thing? What if I was too strict, or inappropriate, or took my issues out on this little precious innocent being? What if I don't like kids, I just think I do? Am I too selfish to nurture children?
What if I hurt them?
I notice a lot of women who come from sexual abuse, dysfunctional families, or have just generally been abused feel the way I do. They love and want children and children play an important role in their lives, but they're afraid they're too screwed up to love their own child. I often wonder if I'll turn into my mom if and when I have a baby. Am I more like her now than I care to think? When you damage a child, it's too late to go back and rethink your parenting style, or whether or not you're even prepared for one.
Now let's step back. So having a child is far into the future when you're nineteen and not trying to have a baby. Besides, not everyone has children. Its not a written law. But the skills that go along with raising a child are still so, so important. Being selfless, planning ahead with someone else in mind, being patient, being maternal, being loving, being a good example. So many aspects of being a strong, loving mom apply to being a strong, loving person (which is what I strive to be). Am I those things? Will I ever be those things? If I appear to be those things, is it genuine?
I work with children and I often think to myself- what did I get myself into?! I suck at this job. Kids hurt my feelings, they bring up bad memories of my own childhood, I find myself feeling jealous when a child I know and care for gets better treatment than I did, whether it be because their parent doesn't treat me well or my parents didn't treat me as well as their parents treat them and I feel as though I've missed out big time.... I'm a mess! I over react when a child "defies" me and tells me one thing and does another (as preteens often do). My expectations are too high and inappropriate for the kids ages and abilities. I take things personally. And I hold grudges. When I'm in new babysitting-territory and things get tough and foreign- my default reaction is to act the way my parents would have reacted if that child was me. I know that default is wrong, I try to correct it, but I see myself making the same mistakes over and over again. Am I improving? Does it getting better with age? Will it be different if thats my own child? Am I normal? Will I ever learn? How can people let me be around them when I'm so damn toxic? These are the question I have.
Then there's genetics. Now I don't know if I always but the whole nature over nurture thing- I'm definitely a "it's all about nurture and how you were raised" kind of person but....I have to say. My genes are pretty fucked up! We have a lot of crazy, emotional, depressed, angry, addictive personalities in my family. Is that because of how we were all raised or is there something to be said for my crazy ass genes? If so- I sure as fuck don't want to be passing that on. So then adoption? That's a whole NEW can of worms.
Oh boy, is all I can say. Thank god I have time to think it out and get my shit together.
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