Tripping Balls

Dear Readers (Whoever you are....)

   Currently, I am tripping balls. I have a move quickly (and mercilessly) approaching, boyfriend issues, job drama, I work way too much, I don't make enough money, I act like a bitch, and I am spiraling OUT OF CONTROL (quietly.) I haven't written much lately because everything I think I have to say ends up feeling stupid, not genuine, and useless. I feel like, "who am I to talk and advise people or guide people when I'm such a nut case myself?" My answer is: right now I don't feel like I do know who I am. Do I have grounds to talk about my experiences like I know shit or handle things anywhere close to "well"? Do I even have experiences that matter? Are people irritated with what I have to say? Do people think I'm talking out of my ass? I am so paralyzed

   Blogging was amazing for me (and still can be and will be I think) but it's like starting therapy. I brought up a lot of old stuff I was locking away in a cute little box and I opened that box....and a shit storm has commenced! These old feelings and insecurities and doubts and fears came rushing back and I do not have the tools to say "You are not welcome. You can leave now!"

   Today, alone, I cried in front of one of my bosses and spilled my stupid guts, got a pep talk about being less negative (which made me feel like shit) then I cried like a bitch on my drive home to some Maria Mena and MIA (great stuff) and then out of nowhere: it hit.

   Suicidey, makes bad decisions Tara. I'm sitting in my car thinking about cutting, or shooting myself, or starving myself, or crashing my car (Ethan's car-I didn't earn it. It's not mine.) Or just never coming home. Then I start bawling. I'm thinking, "FUCK! Life sucks, I sound like a whiny little bitch and no one wants to be around this, me, or my feelings. I don't deserve anything." Which of course makes it all worse.

   I sit in my car and I try to figure out where this sudden crazy, unbalanced, really annoying me came from this time. Hmmmmm.....

   Well, today my boss (who I sometimes think of as my cool-mommy which is totally unprofessional and retarded, especially since she probably thinks I do a crap job) got herself, her boyfriend, and her daughter new iPhones. They bought a laptop too. Somehow I thought I was getting a laptop? Again, unprofessional and irrational but I thought I had picked up some sort of hint about her potentially helping me out with getting a much needed new computer as a going away kinda thing. I did not get a laptop. I was PISSED OFF. Then I felt irritated and anxious- like, why am I being so ridiculous? She's not my mommy- she's my boss. I'm lucky she gives me what she does. Oh yeah. I wish I had a mommy who gave ME things and spoiled ME and I often confuse any and all adult figures who show me an ounce of kindness or understanding with my new replacement mommy or daddy. Fucktard. So then I got really angry. Like, I wanted to punch things and break things and snap necks. Then I was angry at myself for being angry! It was a total hate-on-Tara day. Then I got all weepy and clingy and exhausted and feeling the need for any and all lovies I could get.

   I texted my dad (yet again) asking if he wanted to go for a walk or grab some coffee (which he never responded to) and I became even more disappointed. I have no mom. I have no dad. My brother and sister think I'm some sort of piss-ant fuckwit who thinks all things will be handed to me and lives in a selfish, princess lala land where I mistreat anyone and everyone because I think I can. So fuck them because they hate me and I feel deprived of family and love and I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me right now. No one from my biological family, the people who have known me the longest, loves me. I suck and I am unlovable and selfish and stupid. I'm going to be alone for the rest of my life.

   Then I started panicking about my relationship. Oh my god I move in two months with this person who's super motivated, super busy, going to be super socially connected, and is super handsome and could basically get whatever chick he wanted. Where do I fit into this equation? I don't. I'm a crazy, selfish, neurotic person who takes up way too much time, requires way too much effort, and will never be a fully functioning happy person to be with. Right? I don't know. I don't have the answers. What if we break up in Boston? I can't afford that shit! Where will I go? Who will I stay with? I won't have a car. No one will love me. Ethan won't love me. I'll have no friends. This is a bad scenario I want no part in. What if we move and it's amazing and I love the city and I find a great job and I take a dance class and an art class and find an awesome therapist and Ethan's friends are kickass and we all get along and they like me for me and actually think I have value and I won't just be "Ethan's girlfriend"? But what if everyone in Boston does hella drugs, drinks all the time, and are way more intelligent and academically focussed than I am? I can fit in with that. What if I hate snow? What if I go broke? What if my parents die while I'm in Boston? Do I visit? Do I not? Will I be happy or sad? Should I even care about being in a relationship? Should I be taking this more seriously or less seriously? Is he a fantastic boyfriend or a bad boyfriend? Am I a bad girlfriend? Am I a bad friend? Am I a bad person? Will I be a bad mom? Should I just never be a mom? Do I have bad "crazy" genes I could pass on?

   Then my body image issues. I'm eating 900 calories a day, hating eating anything, feeling like everything I do is never enough, and I feel like this fat ugly cow stomping around. This guy hit on me the other day and I literally yelled at him. He said I was beautiful and that he wanted my number and at first I was all excited, like, hey, confidence booster! Then I realized- he's probably just in on this thing with his friends where he thought it'd be funny to make get all giddy and happy when really he's going back to his buddies to talk about fat and cottage cheesy I am and how I have FOB nerd face and no tits. I told him to fuck off and leave me alone. Then I felt like an ass hole. I'm a bitch.

   I put clothes on, look at myself, and cry. How can it be so easy for people to look so thin and so hard for me to just be consistent, eat healthy normal things, workout, and lose weight? Where is my mommy who steps in and says, "you look so beautiful, I can't believe I get to have you as my daughter." Where's my awesome, all for me, support system? Obviously, I don't deserve one.

   Today, I feel like shit. I hope tomorrow, or some time very soon, I'll pull myself together and find some wisdom......or something....to talk about.