11 Rules When Trying to Date a Woman

Okay, boys, I'm going to help you out. I've seen what you've had to offer when it comes to trying to woo a woman and it's pretty fucking appalling. If you're looking to get legitimate with a lady, please read on. Girls, I know you know what I'm talking about.

Rule # 1) When you meet a girl and realize she's all that and a bag of chips, DON'T FUCK AROUND. Don't text her a bunch of nothing every few days. Don't make fun of her in hopes that she'll respond like a 12 year old, tease you too, then tell you she likes you back. Don't try and make her jealous by telling her about all these other girls you're talking to/who you have boned/who want to bone you. Basically, don't leave that bitch unattended. In the real, adult, world- we ask for her number, we CALL her that day, we make plans ON A WEEKEND (not a weekday, because you're going to set legitimate time aside for her and show her some respect) and we follow through.

Rule # 2) Come with good intentions. Don't be acting like you're genuinely interested in what this girl has to offer if all you want from her is a physical relationship. You're better off telling her right off the bat that that's all that you want otherwise she may just cut your dick off when she falls for you and finds out you weren't at all invested.

Rule # 3) Be attentive. Just be mother fucking attentive! Listen to her likes, her dislikes, and do and act on what you've learned. She says she loves foreign films? Take her to one. She said she loves to visit San Fran and she also loves chocolate? Take that bitch to a San Franciscan chocolate shop! People, it's not hard to please a woman. You just have to be listening and care enough to deliver.

Rule # 4) Be around. I cannot tell you how much this bothers me. If you say you're interested, if you say you want to take me on a date- act like it. Make plans with me, follow through, and be around consistently. I would say there's at least an "every other day" rule for this when you're just getting to know a girl. Call her and talk to her for a while, go grab coffee real quick together, go on a morning run together, bring her bagels! Avoid late night contact....which brings me to rule number 5.

Rule #5) Don't call me/text me/FB message me past 8PM if we don't have an established comfortable relationship and you haven't talked to me all day. Just don't. I know what you're doing. I see what you're trying to get. Don't pull the "I'm busy during the day" or "You seem so busy I didn't want to bother you" bullshit card out on me. I'm 20 and I have a smartphone...it's attached to my hand and I'm pretty sure your phone is attached to yours. Contact me at a decent hour and remember I exist during the day because if you only remember I exist at night time, you're thinking you can put me on your booty call list and you cannot.

Rule # 6) Don't get me stuffed animals unless we go to a carnival together. I don't want it. I don't understand it. Yes, I have a stuffed animal. One. I have one for a reason- it's special. I'm not five- I'm a grown ass woman. How about you try flowers next time?

Rule # 7) Be a gentleman. No, better yet, be a MAN. You WILL open doors for me, let me order first, ask me if I'm cold, offer me a drink when I come over, and walk outside of me closest to the cars because that's what you'll do. I'm all for going dutch in relationships but the first three dates- you pay. If it's a crazy expensive adventurous date and you're not rolling in dough- you go dutch for the activities but you pay for the meal. We're adults and you have a job. You have a job..... right?

Rule #8) Be polite not only to your new lady friend but to the people you interact with. This includes strangers, waiters, cab drivers, her friends, your friends...and just everyone, okay? You don't need to chat it up with everyone everywhere you go, but you do need to show that you're a kind, gentle, good person. No woman wants to date someone who's an asshole. It's embarrassing and I don't want to be seen with you.

Rule #9) Always bring her up, never down. It's not okay to poke fun at, tease, raz, or pick on your potential girlfriend. It's not a good sign. She may laugh, it may be fun sometimes, but at some point you're going to say something that strikes a nerve and it's going to be bad. Or, heaven forbid, she gets into the whole teasing thing and she says something  YOU don't like. Establish a foundation of trust and respect before you start going at each other, please. A woman wants to hear what you love about her, not what you hate. She deserves that, don't you think?

Rule #10) Kiss her! Don't friend zone yourself. If you go on a real date with her (you called in advance during the day, you asked her to go out on a Friday Saturday or Sunday, you dressed appropriately, you paid, and you had a fabulous time) then chances are she's hoping for an end-of-date kiss before you friend zone yourself. Kisses (and lack there of) are indicative of how you'll be with her. Make it tender, strong, don't linger too long, and for god's sake...don't make it sloppy. Girls like to be romanced- that doesn't mean stay away, that means respect my boundaries and read the signals I'm putting out. Guys always make the first move. It's nice and masculine.

Rule #11) Share. Share your life with her, tell her about you and what you love. Talk about your family, your goals, your dreams. Just share. If you two are compatible, she'll only like you more. I don't want to go into a date feeling like it's a one-woman-show and I've spilled my guts and still know nothing about you. It makes me feel like you don't want to share and you're planning an escape route as I speak.