I've been accidentally dating this guy for close to 9 months and now I think I may really like him. The problem is, he started out as a rebound 3 weeks after I moved back from breakup-Boston and now I'm needing to adjust my frame of mind around him and us. I don't know if I've properly healed from my breakup, I don't feel very "finished" as a product/person, and he's kind of an emotional virgin. I feel like, to grossly simplify things, I come from a dark creepy horror-scene of a forest and my strengths are things like being analytical and aware and deep and emotional and he comes from a gingerbread house, complete with chirping birds and visiting grandmas and his strengths are things like......being young and not caring about what other people think. In a way, he forces me not to take myself so seriously. But I take myself so seriously! I get so wrapped up in worrying about what people might think (because not everyone is his biggest fan). I worry about what my ex's parents think (they don't like him so much and I live with them! Can't step on anyone's toes!) I KNOW my parents would hate him but who cares about them. Lots of my friends.....well used to be his friend before I was and they are no longer fans of his. I like dating people who are able to just blend and mesh and get along with everyone without upsetting anyone. But he makes me laugh, cheers me up accidentally, and treats me like an equal-not a cripple. He moves heaven and earth for me and genuinely loves to spend time with me. He calls me "beautiful" every chance he gets and I think he means it. He listens to me and TRIES every time I ask for something different from him. I think he'd be happy to get the best OR the worst of me. He admits (most) of his faults and never "punishes" me for the mistakes I make. He knows how to say sorry. He incorporates me in anything he does. He never brings me down. He knows how to defend himself AND me. He grows and I kinda love it.
Here's the age old question: As someone who comes from abuse and a dark past, do you date someone who comes from a similarly messed up past or do you date someone who has come out relatively unscathed by life? Date someone who's damaged- drown together/better support each other with a deeper understanding. Date someone who's all whole and naive- feel alone in your problems and feel like the "difficult" one/have someone with more energy to pick you up or stand by you when you're struggling. I haven't figured it out yet. I lean towards dating older guys with similar pasts but I tend to end up with younger guys who have not one clue how to even approach the most basic of issues I struggle with.
I live in fear of commitment. Let's be honest, I did the commitment thing, as I often do- moved in with my boyfriend, then moved all the way out to Boston for him and his dreams and talked about marriage, and I got burned. I can admit, I'm a tough person to be with. I'm bossy, I'm emotional, I'm not always very consistent, I run away a lot, and I'm apparently a TERRIBLE communicator (says everyone I date.) I love to love and nurture but apparently I'm even better at neglecting my romantic partners. Believe you me, I will push you to your limits and then some. So dating worries me because once we arrive at this point in our relationship where I FINALLY decide to let my walls down enough to say "I like you," then there's this whole other very elaborate song and dance where I constantly am in a state of panic. "Will you eventually leave me?" "How am I supposed to trust you?" "Are you cheating on me?" "Of course you're cheating on me because you secretly hate me. You never actually liked me at all, did you?!" And then I work myself into a crazy tizzy. I don't trust people. I don't respect people because I'm always afraid they don't respect me. I always assume things are temporary so I never get to a point where I mellow out and enjoy the person I'm with. Obviously, I'm hoping to work on those things and I hope I've improved over the years, but past and current relationships tell me I have quite a ways to go. I just hope I don't break this boy.
It's so strange, I don't know you. We never bumped into each other in high school. But based on the few enties I've read in your blog, you and I have so terribly much in common.
ReplyDeleteBecause of that, I have this weird protective instinct when I see some of your FB statuses. (No creepy)
-You are probably not nearly anything like all the negative things you say about yourself. You are a very lovely and attractive lady, so stop worrying about being pretty! You don't need to try! You've got swagger for days.
-You had toxic people in your past who degraded you and tried to make you as unhappy as themself. But you don't have to be in that toxic enviorment anymore. Sweep out the garbage, and don't be your own worst enemy.
-If you ever feel like you're unsocial or otherwise set at a disatvantage, well it's because you were. You just wern't in the right enviorment when other people were establishing social skills. And that's okay. It's nothing you can't learn. Also there are plenty of people who grew up in a fine enviorment and are dickheads. :)
-You're definatly on the road to better times. I'm jealous of your ability to consistanly work out, attend school/work, have a boyfriend and be social! You CAN live a happy life as soon as you're ready and willing to let go (or resolve) issuses that still exsist.
-Oh, and relating to this post. My boyfriend is definatly a happy go lucky kind of guy. While I would consider myself more introverted and solitary. He makes me laugh when I'm too serious, makes me feel beautiful and gives me the biggest smile whenever I'm feeling down. He and I are opposite in a lot of ways but the same in the ways that matter, and I wouldn't change a thing about him. So what I'm trying to say is: he might not always relate to what things were like for you, as long as he is there for you and makes you smile. :)
Chin up.
-Lorraine