Self Assessment

 
 I've been doing a lot of thinking. I have my big move coming up (Boston, MA with the boyfriend!) and I am quaking in my boots, my friends. I'm so beyond stoked and so beyond ready to bail. I think that's kind of the way I tend to be about everything. I'm always all in or all out. I love Ethan, I love adventure, and I need a change, but boy is change scary.

   After a brief visit with my parents, I realized several things about myself. As hard and as far as I run from what I recognize as my parents or what my parents do, I'll never be able to stop. We have so many tendencies in common, I've lost count. Every time I meet with my mom or dad, I find new things I hate about them that I hate about myself (and didn't even realize).

   I'm brave, I'm a fighter, I'm ambitious. I'm beautiful, resilient, and I'm smart. But boy am I stubborn. Boy, am I a quitter. I shoot for the moon and end up in the water 9 times out of 10. I want things but I don't always know how to do the work to get those things. Most of the time, I don't even recognize my bad behavior. I can be mean, manipulative, sneaky, and hurtful and have no idea that all I'm doing is projecting my insecurities and mimicking my mom's bad behavior. You wouldn't know it, but I'm a really angry person. I piss and moan and judge people all day. In my head. Somehow, I thought saying those things in private or to myself meant I was a kinder, more thoughtful person. It just, unfortunately, makes me dishonest in addition to unkind and thoughtless.

   I often do the opposite of what I say. I'm on a diet. I eat ice cream and hot cheetos. I believe in fitness. I stay home and take a nap instead of my planned workout. I believe in being on time. I'm always late to everything. I believe in financial responsibility and saving. I make quick, ill planned purchases often. I believe in being compassionate and loving. I'm withholding and I take more than I give. These are the things I have to work on but I find my list growing! Realizing I have all of these fundamental, big things to be working on right before making the big leap in commitment (financially and romantically) by moving is so overwhelming to me, I don't think I can even explain. It's like I feel as though...if I don't fix all that's wrong with me now, in addition to my relationship, my financial status, and perhaps even my family relationships, they'll never get fixed and I'll end up some repeated version of all the bad aspects of my family.

   Maybe my main goal in Boston is to find a great therapist.