Dear Parents

   Every day, I find new reasons as to why biological parents are so important. Parents are like your very own possession, essentially. It is their duty to love you (and your siblings) and only you (and your siblings) more than anyone else in the world. You are theirs, and they are yours and it's this snuggly very intimate bond. They provide for you, care for you, and protect you- and over everyone else- they look out for you. They care about your life choices, how your day was, what your new haircut looks like, what your favorite shows, books, and outfits are. They like the way you cook and the way you present yourself and they love to watch you grow and develop as a human being. They love all that you are.

   Now, every day, I find new reasons to feel sad. I feel sad because my biological parents, though they will say sometimes to other people or maybe even me if I'm lucky that they do love me (they just don't agree with anything I do or the person that I am today) do not love me. The definition of healthy parent to child love is....just unconditional love, support, and the willingness to defend and protect your child. To not feel loved by the woman who gave birth to you, nursed you, and watched you grow....well it just sucks. It more than just sucks but explaining the feelings of rejection and confusion and hurt and shame is just a lot for me. To not feel loved by the man who carried you on his shoulders, shared many a heart to hearts with you, kissed your booboos, and promised you the world is painful. I feel that pain every day and I feel it when I see loving parents. Parents who are proud of their children and would fight the world for them. I deserve those parents. I want those parents. But somehow, I ended up with dysfunctional, unhealthy, unhappy, mean and nasty doo-doo head parents who hate, resent, and reject me. To them: I am a bad person and I am undeserving and dishonest. How I wound up with an alcoholic, suicidal, verbally, physically, and sexually abusive shit pile of a mom- I don't know. How I wound up with a weak, spineless, backstabbing and less than insightful father-I don't know. Obviously, I am angry about the cards I was dealt. (I hope to one day work through that.)

   Having the parents I had- lacking that stability and love and support kids are supposed to get, I never really trusted any other adult, or person really, to step in and step up and be that unit or that emotional source I needed. People say "I love you like my own" but they don't really mean it. Eventually, when push comes to shove- that biological bond a parent has to their child that says "I am yours and you are mine and that's all I have room for in my heart" becomes obvious. I think I've made the mistake of waiting around for and seeking out replacement parents. And while I've found plenty of wonderful, loving adult role models, I've come to the realization that it's time I become my own "emotional mom and dad." And what I mean by that is, it's time I learn to provide for myself: financially, emotionally....and everything in between. Family is so important to me but I missed the "We all love each other and we're one big happy family" train and now it's time to accept the cards I was given, count my losses, and move on. I don't have parents, I don't consider myself to have family, I'm my own and I'm on my own. In the end, once it stops hurting so bad....I'll be glad I learned to consider myself enough. I am enough family for myself and the friends that come into my life are the icing on the cake.

   So in the spirit of closure, here's a letter ( I unfortunately cannot send) to my parents. My parents don't know me and I guess they never will and sometimes I wish I could tell them who I am. But I guess that's cool. I've met myself and I think I'm pretty neat?

Dear mom and dad, 


   I really like to cook, eat at fancy places, dance around and be silly, and the word I use most out of my vocabulary is "cozy." I'm a nester and I believe in the idea of "home." I don't drink. I don't smoke. I don't party. I love my boyfriend and I love my cat and we're a little family. I work hard, love kids, and I eat fancy cheese spreads. I also love tadpoles and little frogs and I still sleep with my stuffed animal Peanut. I workout, have trouble losing weight, and feel kind of hideous a lot of the time. Sometimes I feel really pretty and I always feel proud of myself and how far I've come. I'm strong, independent, and I make my own money. I bought my first laptop and felt like an official adult. The thought of being a mom scares me, and the thought of being anything like the two of you scares me even more. I don't like baths, scary movies, or suspenseful video games. I still freak out sometimes after sex and I think about you every day...and how much you've hurt me. Sometimes I feel like I did something wrong and I'm a bad person and a bad daughter and I wonder how parents can treat someone the way you treat me. I'm afraid of driving fast, people holding knives, people leaving me, and failure. Things and places that aren't clean make me feel unclean. I cry on my birthdays and Christmas makes me sad. I feel lonely and unloved and very much so unseen. You make me angry. I read your stupid Facebook pages almost every day and think "Why aren't I mentioned? Why don't you talk about how much you love ME? Why do you only talk about how much you love my sister?" Your financial instability makes me afraid for my financial future. Saving and planning and list making are very important to me. I am a very organized person and I'm the person to go to if you want things organized and tidy and made beautiful. I am a master at making things cozy and I celebrate a lot of traditions we shared as a family. I make a lot of the foods we had at home. I love coffee and snow and watching movies cuddled under blankets. My favorite qualities in a person are: being nurturing, being patient, being consistent, and being funky. I have lots of friends and spend lots of time out and about. I feel like no one really likes me very much. I get my nails done, have my hair professionally cut, and take spa trips and coffee trips because I can afford to and I'm allowed to treat myself and when I go, I know if you knew-you would say it was selfish of me. I laugh really loud, wear grey and tie my hair up, even though you think it's unattractive when I do. I'm going to school in 6 months and I'm going to kick butt. And I'm going to do it all on my own. I'm moving to Boston and after that, I'll probably never see you again. Thanks for all the love, help, and support! 


Your daughter, Tara.


P.S...... I celebrate the day I moved out like it's a holiday. It's great to be away.