I haven't painted or created any sort of art in a really long time. Painting can be a really intimidating sort of thing, and if you haven't done it in a while, it just gets harder and harder to work yourself up to starting the process. I always get so caught up in worrying about the subject matter and how I'm going to actually convey what I'm feeling when I'm painting and whether or not the finished product would be something I'd want to put on my wall (which it never is) but I find that if I blast my music loud enough, make a big mess, and just start going it works out best.
This painting isn't about abortion, though I know it kind of looks that way. Before I was born, my mom miscarried two children and was left totally scarred by it. After she had me, she'd always tell me how she wished I was the child she miscarried- like she wanted to trade me for something better or wished I had died in her womb too. I know ultimately, it's not a commentary on me, but rather on her and how unhappy she is with her life and how much she felt the need to hurt me and others in general just to feel a little bit okay about herself but, being so young and hearing about how my mom didn't want me- didn't love me. Wished I had died. It gets to me anyway. When I'm feeling at my worst this is all I think about. Sometimes I really just wish I was one of those almost born babies who just didn't quite make the cut. There's something about the bond a mother and child should have that really dictates how you feel about your place in the world. For a mother to not want her child, even after getting to bond with and really watch that child grow is just devastating. It tends to make me feel like I really screwed up somewhere along the road.
In a way, this piece is about my relationship with my mom.
This piece was made with paprika, turmeric, beets, tea, coffee, beets, colored pencil, sharpie, and plastic packaging.
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