So, I'm in my early twenties, I'm juggling school, work, friends, dating, and figuring out who I am. Normal stuff, right? Incorrect. Those are all normal things, it seems, for most (okay probably not most) everyone except me. You see, I'm juggling school (which I never quite learned how to actually DO because I was battling an alcoholic/suicidal/very much so in need mother from the age of five instead of learning my proper ABC's and multiplication tables and getting praised for 'what a good job I was doing.) I'm juggling work (which has never been just WORK to me because from the age of fifteen, work meant loaning what I could to my parents for our $8,000 monthly mortgage and saving whatever else I could because being poor and homeless has always been a very real fear to me.) I'm juggling friends (which I have none of because I apparently have the social skills of a rat....or something far less social if rodents turn out to be more social animals than I am.) I'm juggling dating (which proves to be evermore difficult for me because I start out confident and unattached and end up very much so self-esteemless and very very attached and, FYI, I am the planet's worst girlfriend.) And lastly, I'm juggling figuring out who I am, which basically, these days, entails me sitting around in tears wondering "Why ME? Why do I exist?"
As you can see, I'm really great at list making and talking and elaborating, but the older the get, the less I feel I have figured out about myself and what works. Okay, okay- so everyone realizes as they become "wiser" that they know very little. I know very little, and I'm less and less wise as the years go by it seems.
I understand that life is a balance and that I need to BE more balanced in the way that I live my life, but I am feeling fundamentally very unbalanced.
Here is a List of Some of the Things I'm Trying to Balance
- Time management
- Dating
- Sex
- School
- Friendships
- Social Media Usage
- TV Usage
- Learning How to Enjoy Reading
- Staying on top of Current Financial Responsibilities
- Saving
- Educating Myself About Basic Life Skills (I.E. Cars, Being Financially Savvy, Study Skills, Nutrition Skills, Basic Computer Applications, etc)
- Preparing Myself to Move out and be 100% Independent Within 1 Year
- Feeling Suicidal and Depressed
- Guilt About How I am a Financial and Emotional Burden, Feeling Guilt About How Behind in School I am, Feeling Guilt about How Unfit I am, Feeling Guild about How bad of a Friend I Must be, Feeling Guilt that Someone is Dating ME, Feeling Guilt that I Own a Car-Go to School-and Have Freedom and Still have Depression, Feeling Guilt that I Don't Speak to my Family, Feeling Guilt that I Still Have Trouble with Sex, and Feeling Guilt that I Don't Have Two Jobs and Several More Classes.
- Fitness- Losing Weight and Being Consistent but Also not Being Obsessive and Unhealthy about Fitness (Which is difficult for me...)
- Not Being Obsessive
- Being "OCD" When Stressed
- Being Whiny and Sad around Others
- Missing my Family and Feeling Sad about Loss
- Being Afraid for my Future
- Work- Not Being Capable or Intelligent Enough to Work
- "Looking" Pretty
- Understanding What a Healthy Relationship with Alcohol is for me
- (And several other things.....)
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