My sister is a fierce, fierce woman. She knows how to stand up for what she believes in, and when she gets upset or offended- you know it. She will scream, and argue, and push until the conversation is finished and there is a resolution. I'm incredibly jealous of my sister, when it comes to a lot of things. I can't yell to save my life, and I have a hell of a time defending myself when challenged-especially when I know I'm in the right. People change my opinions. My sister changes other people's opinions.
Growing up, my sister was my mom. She was my idol and I practiced being her all the time. It didn't get cooler than her. I loved her handwriting, the way she danced, the way she walked, the clothes she picked, the way she did her hair. I even loved the way she smelled in the morning (smelly.) My sister had this sort of un-confident/confident grace I couldn't get enough of. She's 5 feet tall, super thin, and big chested. Exactly what I want to look like. Her face is more angular, the way I'd prefer to have mine, and her hair is thinner-I hate having thick hair.
My sister tucked me in when I was little, took me on outings with her friends (even though I'm pretty sure she was forced too- she still included my 6 year old self) went clothing shopping with me, gave me advice, and listened to me. She was my fiercest, and probably only, real friend I had for a long time. She looked out for me and seemed like she really valued my opinion.
I remember times when she'd be so angry with me. She'd pin me down and put her hand over my mouth while I cried and whimpered- she'd say that she'd "hurt me" if I said a word to my parents about what had happened. I never can remember what had happened that made her upset-but I probably was being a punk baby-sister. I remember being 4 or 5 and in an apartment pool in a green sea animal floatie and her flipping me upside down and leaving, laughing- me panicking and feeling like I was going to drown and like that's what she wanted. I don't know why I thought that.
In middle school, when my sister had moved out, I became a "cutter" and tried to slit my wrists, but really, I just made marks to show the people I trusted enough how I felt inside. I hated myself and I wanted out. CPS was called, I went to therapy, I was put in a group home, and I tried to run away from home and be adopted. When I got home, she had advised my parents to take my computer and phone away and keep me from having any contact with friends. She wouldn't make eye contact with me and she refers to that period of time as when I "went crazy." I was hurting and needed nurturing, support, and defense. Not criticism or belittling and isolation. I still don't 100% understand why she was so upset, knowing that she's dealt with depression, run away from home, and hates a lot of what my parents do and what they'd done to her. She even used to tell my parents about how, when she turned 18, they'd never see her again because they didn't deserve to after all that they had put her through. I agree with her. So why doesn't she agree with me? I think she thinks I'm weak and dysfunctional and selfish. That I need to rely on other people to "save me" and pity me because I assume everything will come to me. That I don't ever truly earn anything for myself. That the people who care for and about me are people who feel badly for my and my situation I play up. I don't agree with her but I hate that she thinks so little of me. Her lack of acceptance literally hurts.
I visited my sister, a little under a year ago- six months after I moved out of my parent's home- and I initiated the visit. I had visions of reuniting, crying together, planning future visits and mani+pedi's and girly dinners out. Nothing of the sort. I felt awkward and separated from her and her boyfriend of several years was there (Why wouldn't he be? He lives with her.) He makes me feel like a shitty person and so does she. I avoided bringing up the awkwardness between us and how little we'd talked since I moved out, and how upset I knew she was with me, since my dad had recently told me so. I talked about her cat. Praised her cat. She loves that prissy, spoiled, beautiful thing and treats it like her child so it seemed like a good place to start. Maybe she'd like me if I liked her cat. Nope. It pissed her off. She said I was acting like my dad-initiating things then not having the balls to actually follow through and really discuss things. So I said I was visiting to work on our relationship and that I wanted to understand why she was so mad.
She called me trailer trash. She said that I was being attention-seeking, dramatic, and blowing my family's situation out of proportion. That I should have stuck it out or at least not involved the cops (whatever I was scared and wanted to get out fast). That I was being just like my mom. That I was no better. She said that I just wanted to "play house"with my boyfriend and I had no direction, no plan, and that I was going to end up being a failure. She criticized my new job. It didn't make enough, I couldn't get real job experience or references. That I wasn't thinking. She criticized how I wasn't going to get to go to school now because I "had made an adult decision and now I had to behave like one." That if I had stayed, my parents would have paid for school. Paid for school? They're broke as shit. They're under foreclosure because they're financial nimrods. They'll tell you, though, how smart they really are- they still live in a 4,000 square foot house in a gated community, and they're doing it for free! They can't always pay for their medication, gas to make it to meetings, or food- but they live in a nice house and raised three children- that's success, right?
I don't talk with my sister now. I don't think she minds. I think she thinks I'm shit, and that's cool. I think she's kind of a bitch in denial. She always leaves when I need her most.
My sister wrote this letter after our two year falling out from my middle school cutting/run-away "stunt". I kind of secretly hope to get another one of these-one that's more honest about why we "weren't very fond of each other." I'd certainly love to know what I did that's so wrong. I'd definitely love to have a sister.
It's dated " 12/06"
"Dearest Tara,
You mentioned to me that lately you haven't felt like you had a place to vent without watchful eyes intruding on your thoughts. I thought this might be a nice place for you to get your thoughts out. Perhaps you can take this to Starbucks and feel inspired by the caffeine? Haha!
I just wanted to say that I know you and I have not always been the closest. It's probably not an exaggeration to say that you and I even went through a period when we weren't very fond of each other. I think a phase like that is unavoidable, or maybe a requirement for sisters. Whatever the case may be, I'm very glad that we've made it past that phase and become friends. I appreciate each and every thought and insight of yours. You're becoming a very wonderful person (not that you weren't always!) and a beautiful woman.
Happy Birthday!
Love, Didi"
No comments:
Post a Comment