I have to kick my own ass to make, have, and keep friends. I suck at it. I'm even worse at it when I'm dating. Every Sunday, while I'm planning my week, setting my financial goals, setting aside time to do chores- I literally have to pencil in "call so and so" or "email such and such" or even "spend time with someone." If I don't set aside time to have friends- I don't have them.
Do you ever notice, if you come from dysfunction, how complicated friendship can get? I don't get women. I have female friends, and I admire tons of gorgeous, fabulous ladies I know, but I just can never understand or read what they're thinking or how they feel about me. When I make plans with a female friend, go to a woman- a mom or a teacher- for advice- I panic and agonize and replay my conversation and interactions with them over and over in my head. I always come away feeling like they hate me or they spent time with me as some sort of pity thing or an inside joke. "Did they say they liked my outfit because they thought I looked fat in it?" "Are they mad at me because I talked too much? Didn't talk enough? Dressed too fancy? Was five minutes late? Mentioned my boyfriend too many times?" "Did they compliment my makeup because they felt like my face was ugly?" "Did they say they really liked how ambitious I am because they know I'll fall flat on my face and I'm really just a nobody?" "Did they say they liked spending time with me because they'd wish I'd leave them alone?"
When I think I might run into my mom, or if I have to go over to visit, I go into this weird sort of survival-obsessive-primping mode. I spend two hours on hair and makeup. I try on all the outfits I have. I yell at myself. Freak out five or six times about how fat I've gotten. Try three shades of lipstick. "You look like death warmed over, put on some lipstick," my mom would say to me. "You're wearing too much makeup. Who are you trying to impress?" "Suck it in," she'd say. "You're so obsessed with running and what you look like- don't you worry about how neurotic people will think you are?" Everything I did was wrong. Never good enough. She'd always set me up to fall. One time when I was maybe nine, my mom gave me this beautiful summer dress of hers to try on. It was gathered at the top, came down to my knees, and was a royal blue with red flowers. She handed to me like it was her child and told me how she wore it just before her wedding. That she was in her 20's then and weighed 100 pounds. I put it on. I remember that pause-before she said anything. I thought, maybe since it was hers and she loved it so much, she'd love me in it. She kind of giggled and commented on how I barely fit into it- that I would stretch it out and ruin it. She looked at me like I was some sort of pug in a stupid tutu. She always complained about my sister- said she "stole her body." It was a mean, unfair thing of her to say but I always wished she'd say it about me. She didn't. Some mornings, I wouldn't come out, afraid of what she'd have to say about "today's look." How ugly I was this time.
Besides appearances, my mom just made everything into a competition. Between me and her. Between my sister and I. Between my friends and I. I never learned to accept the good in myself AND in other's- so I find it hard now to have female friends I don't constantly try to measure up to or out-shine. I even find myself feeling like my character is being judged when I go shopping for clothes or something pretty. Like, somehow, the sales associates are back there snickering about how gross I'd look in their clothing and how I don't belong. I think I probably end up acting like a real bitch to some poor, unsuspecting retail women because I just can't take what they may be thinking about me. It's not something I'm proud of.
In a nutshell, women make me wildly insecure and afraid sometimes but I really, really wish I had a lot more positive, loving, genuine female friends around. It's just hard. Every single woman is always smarter than me, more confident, more beautiful, thinner, more stable, more happy, more established, more financially set, people take her more seriously, she's more talented, more creative. Always something. Mostly, I avoid any potential conflict and when I feel inferior, in whatever way it may be, I bolt. Sometimes, though, I'll pick petty fights and nit pick their flaws to make myself feel better. They leave.
I find it hard to trust women, harder to bond with them, and hardest to like them without hating myself. Don't get me wrong, I have a few really close female friends- but they've spent a long time trying to work their magic and earn my trust. Well, I lied. I guess I don't really have any "close" female friends. I have a few who I spend time with and hope, one day, to feel genuinely close to. It's still really hard for me to trust women.
I'm trying this new approach. One where I meet a new person, interact with a girlfriend, or walk into a store and I literally tell myself (in my head): We're the same. I have my insecurities, flaws, and kick ass traits, and so do they. It's not a competition. Be loving. I'm trying to just try and start fresh. Start new friendships without assumptions and comparisons, and maintain them.
It's totally cheeseball but it's working for me. I'll report back on how making female friends goes.
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