I have a friend, her name is Laura, and she is my go-to gal. She writes me snuggly letters, makes me grilled cheeses, makes me home made gifts on my birthday, and calls me up when I need a mental check-up. Today, I wrote her this.
"Sorry I haven't gotten back to your email about exercise and healthiness and obsessiveness versus un....obsessiveness but for now, long story short. I agree with you- I can't make 1,300 calories work. I eat super healthy all day but I go way over that so whatever. I need the schedule I have for workouts because, if I don't lay out everything I need to do and when, I never do it. I just finally want to feel good about myself and feel like I followed through with something. I know it's all about my abuse and where I'm at in my head and my need for control. But I need some control.
This email isn't so much about that though. It's basically this. I feel:
1) Anxious. Like really anxious. Like I get home and feel all trapped and the need to be around a lot of people and no people and out doing things. And doing nothing.
2) Really really really hideous. Like butt-hideous. Trying to be kind to myself is proving to be the opposite. I'm being very very mean and I'd like myself to be nicer but I'm not listening. Bad, self.
3) Super-dy-duper un loved and un liked and I'm taking anything and everything personally and I'm weepy.
4) All needy for a mama and papa. But none of the ones that I have available to me.
5) Super unstable.
6) Super stupid and lame and panicked about all the choices I've made.
7) Really in need of some instant gratification with everything. I want to lose the weight NOW, I want to get some pampery treats for myself NOW, I want to confront my dad and re-bond NOW, I want to spend time with all my friends NOW, and I want things done my way. Or I freak out and feel attacked?
I get that all this crazy bogus-ness and instability is because I opened up Pandora's shit storm box or whatever by writing about where I come from and re-working the whole healing deal and tackling weight loss and getting healthy and trying to cut off ties with my entire family once and for all (and reconnect at the same time? I don't know what I'm doing) but I am FREAKING. OUT. When I get like this, I get all clammy and don't really express myself very well and most of what Ethan hears from me is "I'm angry with you" or "I need snuggles all the time. You can't do anything. You can't have your own life or accomplish your own things. Your purpose. Is to snuggle and comfort me." Super "push and pull" behavior. I'm all over the place and it's lame and I feel like a bad person for starting my blog and for not being all super awesome and heal-y and healthy. I'm just a lonely blah people don't want to be around. Boo =["
I'm sharing my freak-out email with you because, well, sometimes I have bad days. I'm not all healed. Everythings not all perfect and peachy keen. And I recognize that I have a long way to go. "Feeling Young and Being Grown" isn't me preaching about what it's like to trudge through the big, bad, evil things and come out victorious. It's about trudging, and continuing to trudge and seeing the light at the end of the tunnel, somedays. It's about reaching out and sharing and showing each other that it's a lot easier to heal when we understand someone else has been where we are now or where we've been.
Trudge on!
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