A Letter to My Mom

Here's what I have to say about all of this mess:

  You're a fat, ugly, selfish, prescription drug addict. You act like a child, you're essentially a retard, socially and functionally. No one likes you. No one likes to be around you. You're verbally abusive, you were physically and sexually abusive and you're just a big fuck up. You know it. You hate yourself so damn much because no one loves you. You don't deserve love. Frankly, you don't deserve to be alive. Where's your success? Where's your "close knit" family? Where's your loving husband? Where's all this respect you MUST have from your family, all your friends, and yourself? You have nothing. Oh, I forgot. You have tons of worthless, hideous collectible shit in your house, foreclosure on your hands, television, and essentially a live in servant you call your husband. Let me ask you this: how often do you get off the couch? How often do you leave your bedroom? How often do you leave the house?

  You're a sad sack of shit and I laugh when I think I came from you. You and I are nothing alike. You live to tear people down because you feel so shitty about yourself. Every day you wake up and think to yourself "How can I make more people cater to me and feel sorry for me? How can I bring others down to make myself feel more powerful? How can I get more attention?" You're a fucking loser. I'm shocked you're even still alive, what with all the "suicide attempts" and, you know, the fact that you barely move, let alone exercise or eat right. You're nasty. People like you serve no purpose. I can say in all honesty- I don't love you, I don't care about your well being, and I don't respect you. I have several mom's in my life but you're not one of them. You're lucky to have Anjuli in your life. She's still scared enough of you or worried enough that she'll somehow become you that she still pays any attention to you. Or maybe she just has to pretend to want to be around you, sort of, so she can spend time with baba. He may be weak and dis loyal, but at least he's pleasant. But even he is a waste of time because he really has no personal opinions or beliefs. He just agrees with whoever's around. Must be great for you!

  You are a rapist. You fondled me, you made out with me, you made me do sexual favors for you, and you insulted me and berated me while you did it. I'm a liar? You're an alcoholic with a fucked up background. It's not your fault? You were raped by your brother? Or so you say sometimes? I believe you were abused, I really do, and I sympathize. But you had no right to have children if you knew you still were fucked up and had issues of your own to tackle. Oh that's right, you have no insight when it comes to you. You just think you fan-fucking tastic. I talked with my cousin, and you know what? She's a lovely person, we get along, and turns out her dad- part of YOUR family- is just as fucked up and sick as you. He  abused his kids, he's an angry mean and nasty person, and he tears down everyone around him. Sound familiar? I'm not the delusional or unhappy or unsuccessful or unlovable one here. It's you and it's always been you and all the hurtful things you say to everyone around you is just a projection of yourself.

  I hope you know that when you die, and I'm sure it'll be coming up soon, I'm not coming to your funeral. It would be dishonest. You mean nothing to me. What you are for me is a stepping stone. You have made me a great, strong, independent and compassionate woman because YOU personally put me through so much shit. You made me grow up fast and learn what NOT to do for my children, to my loved ones, and to my partner. You taught me what NOT to do with my money.

  Let me tell you about me, since you obviously are unclear on who I am. I work four jobs. I'm a nanny , I work at Macy's, I work for a dog business, and I babysit regularly. I am a hard worker and I have a great work ethic. I have ambition. I am a positive person. I save my money and I think about the next steps I'm going to take- career wise, financially, and emotionally. I progress. I have six months worth of rent (Boston rent) saved, health insurance, a vet bill fund, a furniture fund, money for a new laptop for college, a college fund, a plane ticket fund, an emergency fund, and I'm setting up my retirement fund this month. I save. I'm responsible. I make more money than anyone my age. And I am going to go to school. What'd you do at college? You took fucking theater and literature? What do you do with those degrees? You sit at home and read books because you have no friends or life to experience and then you watch TV all day. You watch the history channel, huh? You watch shit for TV and your brain is SHOT. You come off like an illiterate retard when people meet you. Complete strangers find it uncomfortable to be around you because you're so out of it, drugged up, smelly, and depressing as fuck. I've never been around you ONCE where you didn't threaten suicide. What a pathetic life. You should be in jail getting raped by other nasty ass criminals like yourself. If I wanted to, I could put you there for all that you've done. Along with your spineless husband. You try to sit here and tell me I have no worth. That I'm unlovable? That I'm unattractive. That I have no ambition? Bitch, I'm beautiful, ambitious, lovable, and I do things for myself. Not for other people. I love myself and I love others. What do you do?

Don't fuck with me.