I hate mess. I hate, hate, hate it! I hate dirty bathrooms, unwashed laundry, messy piles, dusty rooms, un-vacuumed areas, and clutter. I hate dirt feet touching my bed, messy hand writing, and things that aren't color coded. Some days I'm better than others but if I'm having a high stress day or I'm in an emotional, sad place and I come home to my room being a mess (even if I made the mess) I flip out. It makes me anxious and angry and itchy and I feel unclean. I feel trapped.
It took me a while, I think, to either become this way or realize I felt more at ease when things were neat and organized. I recognize that it's a function of control....or maybe being controlling. My boyfriend knows if I come home and I have this certain look on my face, like, "Holy shit, a train may as well have run me over because I feel awful today," that I'm going to start getting antsy and upset if I don't clean my room and cuddle, STAT. I don't know if this is something I should work on or something I should learn to accept or tone down or whether I just need to be more organized in general? It's like I have two people inside of me, sometimes. I have this messy, inconsistent, forgets-to-do-things-all-the-time little being inside me, and then this super clean, super organized, super on top of everything person inside me and they're CONSTANTLY fighting.
I wonder if it comes from the fact that I was sexually abused. Or maybe just the abuse in general. I hear from people that, once you go through abused, in some way or another you have issues with control and constantly feeling like you lack control. This totally applies to me! I've always been a slightly bossy, things-on-my-terms kind of girl and I think it's good for me at this stage in my life. I need to know that I rule my own life and my own personal space and I do. Sometimes I think my neat-freak tendencies come from the fact that my mom was always so damn messy and collected so much crap and was essentially a hoarder. (Think those shows where cats get crushed under all the random ebay shit and tissues!) Maybe it wasn't that bad.....but we had over 40 full sized persian rugs in our 4,000 sq ft beautiful home and they were just rolled up behind couches. It got so bad, we had rats for years! It was disgusting and I hated being anywhere but in my neat, very tidy, very organized room.
I rearrange my furniture in my room, on average, once a month. Before I moved out it used to be more often. I clean my room twice a week. I hate to leave the house without a shower. Even to go to the grocery store. If those things aren't done- I feel gross about myself. Maybe I do need to work on it.
I HATE baths. Can't stand them. I was sexually abused by my mom in a tub and one of the things I always remembered was that the tub was always scummy. There'd be like, nasty ass hairs from my dad, some pubic hairs stuck to the walls, and this weird brown scum. It grossed me out. Obviously it's one of those triggers I have from the abuse I experienced, but now I just in general can't stand baths and the thought of baths. I get catatonic.
I think my reason for posting this is I wonder- do any of you get this way? Does any one else have things they get controlling about in their own environment? How do you choose to work through it or accept it as a part of your make-up?
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