Love and Companionship

   I recently went through a breakup. It wasn’t at all how I imagine breakups to be. We’d been together for two and a half years, we were bonded like family, we lived together, and we definitely looked like a happy couple. He was sweet, intelligent, creative, thoughtful, and had substance. I’d like to list MY positive qualities when it came to me as a partner, but I can’t think of many. I go back and try to figure out- at which point did things start going poorly? Unfortunately, I’ve come to the conclusion that, separately, we are two great people, but together- as we are now- we’re terrible together. I was jealous of his loving and supportive family, how “easy” he had it, and how “figured out” his life was. I was resentful and angry and just plain unsupportive.

   One of the last things he said to me before we realized things weren’t going to get better was, “You’re the most selfish, unsupportive person I know. No…wait…..I take that back. You’re giving and supportive towards everyone else BUT me and you’re supposed to love me.” Major ouch. Hurtful but true! Damn coping mechanisms.

   I think, more than anything, I was crushed to be told I was less than perfect. I thought I had been so loving, supportive, and available.  It hurts to admit defeat and walk away from someone you told yourself and everyone else you wanted to spend your life with. It hurt worse to walk away from the one person who promised me love and companionship. I wouldn’t take back my relationship or do things differently. I loved living with him, sharing moments with him, and having an adventure. We learned an incredible amount about ourselves and I’m genuinely grateful for the lessons I’ve learned and the stability and kindness he provided for me.

   I realize now, in hindsight, I don’t fall in love with people- I fall in love with the fact that someone loves me. I also realize now, that’s not at all what I want and that’s not what I, or my future partner, deserves. When you come from a place of feeling just shocked that any person could love YOU and like YOU, it makes it hard to step back and think, “Can this person really give me what I want and need? Are we truly compatible?” You accept what is given to you because you just can’t get over how good it feels to finally have some positive attention and affection. I’m learning now how to separate what feels like love and what is actually just companionship.  I’m also realizing that being selfish and jealous and hurtful, just because you hurt and have been hurt by your partner doesn’t fly. I’m excited to focus on what it feels like to be me and to discover who I am and what I really like. It’s great to be in a position where you can ask yourself: What do I want