Do You Like Me?

I'm fantastic at reading people. I enjoy it. I love to listen and support and analyze and I just, plain and simple, love people (mostly). I, however, cannot master reading what people think of me. I have a lot of anxiety and expectations of myself and this ridiculous notion that if I am not your ABSOLUTE favorite person on this Earth, I'm your least.

I have this complex where I feel like when people meet me, they see all the flaws I know to exist within myself. They think I act to young and silly, they think I'm unattractive and full of myself, they think I'm unintelligent and lazy, they think I'm to judgmental and cold. Or they just plain don't like me. I think I'm pretty good at first impressions- seeming confident, established and kind- but after that, it's all a big ol' downward spiral. In an attempt to please everyone, I kind of lose sight of the big picture. Who am I and what do I want to convey about myself? I have no idea! Who I am is rather jumbled and kind of terrified and mostly exhausted.

I feel like a grown-brat sometimes because I realize in a group setting, if I don't feel acknowledged and noticed (enough), I feel invisible and upset with everyone else for not liking me or including me. Someone can tell me an hour prior that they love all sorts of things about me and that I'm their favorite person to be around and I'll still end up unsure that they even really enjoy seeing me. I get anxious seeing even my closest of friends! I always show up 10 minutes late, kind of frazzled and apologetic and I just wish it wasn't super clingy and needy to ask at the beginning of every get together "Do you still like me?" Because I have no idea.

I've lost so many friends and relationships as of late and it always ends with the other person choosing to leave me. Why is that? What do I do? Why am I so unlikable? Am I mean?....Insensitive......Not funny? Am I not worth a friendship? These are things I wish I could mash up into a survey and have everyone answer on a daily basis. It would be rather helpful.