Bound to be Crazy

Holiday Greetings All,

   Sometimes, I assess my life and all the "parts" that make up me and I feel like there's no way I'm NOT cukoo-for-cocoa puffs, or at least bound to be. My life is messy, largely in part by choice. I still rent from my ex-love's parents, I'm still estranged from my parents, I still beat myself up every day, and I'm still a roller coaster of "will" and "won't." Yes, I will try. No, I won't get past this. Yes, I will come out on top. No, I won't make it through today. Yes, I will repair myself. No, I won't ever be proud of what I've become. Yes, I will find peace. No, I'll never figure out how to love and be loved.

   Sometimes, I get so wrapped up in analyzing, re-analyzing, and over-analyzing who I am and how I react to things and I end up getting, just, so sick of myself! I can't imagine how the people around me manage to be around me! I'm bossy, demanding, and unappreciative. I'm the opposite of fun. I'm a people repellent. Then I feel stupid for saying such negative things. I'm a million miles a minute.

  I made it through the holidays...I think? Worse for wear. I cried all through Christmas day. I cried all through my birthday. I watched my ex boyfriend be happy and functional in his new found relationship. It made me feel embarrassed about myself and how far I...maybe haven't come. I just spent the majority of December in tears and I don't know why I do it to myself. Being rejected by my family still gets me every time and I feel dumb for not being able to accept that I am without family. But then I think, "Well why am I alone? Maybe it's me. Of course it's me. What have I done?"

   The holidays and my birthday turns me into the biggest brat. I don't know how to be grateful. I don't know how to be quietly giving. I don't know how to "go with the flow." I need order, attendance, and timeliness around the holidays and my birthday. I need smiles, compliments, and meaningful gestures. I need and undying, unlimited amount of love. And it still ends up leaving me feeling empty and unseen, come Christmas morning. I have so much back-tracking, and making up for what I didn't have I still feel like I need to do. I just need so much. Too much?

   I feel like parents give you the tools to develop healthy relationships, plan well for yourself, and they teach you how to be one of your biggest support systems.....Healthy parents anyway. Growing up, I don't think I ever once saw my mom support herself. She had no confidence. She wasn't ever happy. And she never truly understood what it felt like and meant to be loved. I didn't grow up with any of the right kind of modeling and I certainly never really felt supported. My mom used to take pictures of my tears, amplify my failures, and remind me why friends and boyfriends must have chosen to leave me. I fight really hard to be positive and supportive of myself and others but sometimes I feel like the behavior that was modeled to me as a child sticks and I get a little nasty and pretty negative when I really just need someone to step in and be my support system.