(The age at which they were abused, the severity of how they were abused, and the gender of their abuser affects how survivors react and handle sex and intimacy. Note that I was abused when I was pretty young-before puberty, I was abused by a female (my mom), and it was on multiple accounts rather than just one- not that that means it was more or less painful than anyone else's experience. It just affects understanding how someone from my background would respond versus someone who was, say, abused by a male during or after puberty, by a stranger rather than a family member.)
- I was abused before puberty and I was abused by my mom so the way that I understand how that's affected me is- I often view sex, when I'm uncomfortable or afraid, like child would. I feel violated, dirty, guilty, and ashamed. I have really touchy boundaries that sometimes sneak up on me and I don't like sexual jokes, innuendo, violent and heavily sexual movies, or crazy weird shit. I know a few other women who were abused as children by women and they also revert to a childish state when their boundaries have been pushed. I think the reasoning behind that is when you're abused before you really are ready to actually be interested in sex, sex is kind of introduced to you in this violent, unhealthy, scary way and you feel gross because you know, even though you're a kid, that something about being exposed to what you're being exposed to is wrong. When you're abused by your mom, or a woman you are supposed to trust to nurture you, you kind of crave nurturing and a maternal figure that much more because you wish that a mom figure would have stepped in and protected you- but instead, that's who hurt you. The fix for me is always a snuggle with Ethan, a stuffed animal, warm milk with sugar, and a colorful cartoon. See? Kid stuff. Ha, he's my mama when I need......
- Tendency to bolt. Survivors of sexual abuse, or abuse of any sort for that matter, don't feel safe. They find it hard to trust people, especially the people the care for, and they'll often panic and leave. Over and over again, if you let them. All it is, is a test. They want to know if you can handle the fears they have and all the pain they know how to dish out. They were left, emotionally or literally, so they're going to see if you can handle feeling that too- if you can handle the "monster" that they are. Stick around and stay consistent. It's a control issue for them- because they feel they have so little that they can actually control. Always say things like "I'm not leaving, you can't change how I feel about you, I love you, and it's not okay to leave whenever things get tough. " Unless of course, you don't feel that way. In which case, you're better off leaving now- rather than building something up just to tear it down.
- Being over sexualized. I went through a phase kind of like this but I think it's more common for people who have been abused during or after puberty. For me, for a while I made sex into a mission and I felt like if I didn't have sex and sexual attention all the time, I wasn't worth anything.
- The weepies. Plain and simple, things hit out of nowhere- a reaction to something small that reminds us of something bad, a memory we had repressed, a comment that hurt us more than others would be hurt because we've been abused and wear our pain on our sleeves.....Learn how to be a snuggler and a listener.
- Anger. I get really really angry sometimes when someone tries to comfort me because I'm so damn proud and so afraid that someone will "figure me out" and not like me after who I am "clicks" for them. All that is is a lack of self acceptance. Just snuggle harder or give them a little space and wait it out if that's what they're saying they need. Ask open ended questions and make your angry-survivor reflect on what they're actually upset about, instead of letting them lash out at you. (I lash out at Ethan a lot sometimes.......)
No comments:
Post a Comment