Therapy Is Not So Scary: Finding The Right Therapist And Learning To Trust Them

(This photo was taken from www.postsecret.com)

   I've been through a lot of therapy and will always swear by it. Just because I've been through a lot of therapy doesn't mean all my therapists were great. If you're the type of person who's been through some shit, knows they probably need therapy of some sort, but can't seem to hop on the "therapy-train" then you probably have said one or more of these things:

"It takes a lot for me to trust someone and I'm not just going to share my personal life with some stranger for an hour."


"They're paid to listen to my problems. They don't really care about me. I feel stupid in therapy."


"My therapist doesn't really seem to understand what I'm saying or how I'm feeling. I don't click with therapists."


"I want to go to therapy but because I'm under 18 or around someone who has abused me or done something illegal, I can't talk about what's really hurting me and stressing me out. I don't want them to go to jail or get in trouble. I just want to talk."


   I get you. I've had those thoughts too. But here's the thing- when you feel insecure or you lack trust, that's the type of noise that's in your head all the time, anyway!

 "My friend doesn't want to hear about MY problems."


 "I don't really connect with anyone." 


"I feel stupid and ridiculous."


   If you want to stop hearing so much crap from within yourself, you're going to have to do the work to find someone, and let someone, help you stop being so damn negative and in your own way. I'm sure the only reason why you're struggling with hearing negative thoughts is because you have someone or something in your life, or had someone or something, who instills those thoughts in you- and you need help learning how to talk back to them.

   That's what therapy is for.

Some Things to Keep In Mind About Therapy

1. Gender matters. If you're threatened by women (like I am) A female therapist may not be for you. If men feel scary or too dominant- a male therapist may be too much for you to start off with. Be kind to yourself- don't set up obstacles for yourself where they aren't needed.
2. People grow out of therapists. I've grown out of therapists. Just because you feel like a specific therapist is no longer helping you or hitting as hard on what you need to work on, doesn't mean they didn't do you good in the past. Either try a new approach in therapy or ask for suggestions for a new therapist.
3. You need to be honest in therapy. Lying won't get you far. You don't need to feel guilty or ashamed or embarrassed if you feel like you need to talk about something. Whether it's you sex life, your past, sexual abuse, or something funkity going on with your body that you don't like- you're going to need to learn to feel comfortable enough to be open if you want help conquering it or better understanding where your feelings are coming from. That doesn't mean you need to rush telling your therapists something you're not ready for QUITE yet. Feel free to ease in to things.
4. If you're a shy person or a topic you need to broach is touchy for you- Write it down. Get your therapists' email address! Send an email before your session about what you want to talk about, something that's happened to you, or something you've seen. Take notes, even! I used to write in to my therapist before my session and then come with notes on my iPhone about the things I felt were most important to discuss, as well as what happened the past week (because sometimes I'd forget!)
5. Picking a therapist is like picking a friend. You have to test the waters, and move on when it's not a good fit. Not all therapists are right for everyone, and there are even some, dare I say, bad therapists out there. Go for a session or two and if you feel like it's not working out, politely bow out and move on to a new person.
6. Don't give up. If you're struggling figuring out a way to communicate with your Ther-Bear, think about it. Brainstorm ideas with and without your therapist. Don't be afraid to ask your therapist to try a different approach with you.
7. When a therapist has to move, can no longer see you because of a professional conflict (like he's seeing your mom in therapy as well or something) or their grandma died and they have to go on leave or whatever- it is NOT an act made intended to break your trust, hurt you, or make you feel like you are not a priority (like you've probably been told so many times before.) Life happens, even for therapists. Try not to take things personally, though I know, it can be really really tough. If they have to leave and it's planned, maybe ask them if they can connect you with a new therapist and have a session with all three of you- catching the newbie up on what you've worked through already so it's not a rehashing of all the painful stuff you've already, mostly, covered. 
8. If it's a legal issue and you can't directly discuss what's happened or what's going on because it will have to be reported- either realize: it needs to be reported for your own safety, or: tell your therapist without telling them. Ask them first what's reportable and what's not and what you can and cannot discuss. Leave out names or family relations if that helps. (Though I prefer being able to say WHO did WHAT and I know having to omit some of the truth sucks for now. Eventually you'll be able to say everything.)