Respect

I'm trying to get better about establishing a set of boundaries for not only myself but with the people I choose to surround myself because I'm realizing it's really important to promote general feelings of respect consistently with people. I feel like when you say self deprecating things about yourself in front of other people or you allow people to insult you or push your boundaries all in "good fun" it gets out of hand way too fast. I love my friends but we're 20 and they just don't seem to understand sometimes that when I say "No, that jokes not okay around me," or "No, it's not okay to make those gestures and play around with me in that way," I really truly mean it. And no, it's not me being sensitive, it's me being self aware and setting boundaries because I respect my boundaries and I respect you enough (for now) to tell you to please stop and alter your behavior when you're around me. It gets difficult because I really would hate nothing more than to make people feel like they have to walk on eggshells with me but unfortunately, sometimes they do, because I am sensitive and I do have unique triggers and you do need to treat me a little differently than you may treat some of your other friends. I try to be as easy going, direct, and forgiving as I possibly can be. I also try to be as consistent as I know how to be. If it's not okay with me today, I'm not going to laugh it off tomorrow. If I'm joking about it today, I'm not going to tell you it's off limits next week. Well.....no guarantees, but I try to be conscious of it and stick to what I say.

Another set of boundaries that I feel is important to set as a woman is the way people view and refer to me physically. My past relationship had several issues, many of them my fault, but one I'm still working  through is the way I was treated and viewed physically. It wasn't okay and I wasn't respected and never again will I put myself in a position where I allow disrespect like that to go on. When you have a partner, it's important to remember that they are there to support and love and prioritize you. No, you're not they're "world" but you are a large, important chunk of it and if they don't treat you like you deserve to play that role, then they don't deserve to be a part of your world anymore either. I still wrestle with how I am supposed to view myself physically because it's a balance of being honest about what you can improve upon and whether or not you find it important to be a certain size or look a certain way and then just loving who you are and what you look like naturally, without an agonizing amount of effort. To be honest, having gained weight in my past relationship single handedly ruined my already damaged self esteem. Not because I felt bigger and less attractive (though that is true) but because my then boyfriend essentially refused to be physical with me and couldn't see or love me the way he used to. All because I gained 15 pounds. For 15 pounds to ruin and rule such a huge chunk of my life....it's just upsetting and I don't even understand to this day- why was the effort I put in trying to eat healthier and go to the gym more often not enough for him? Not enough for me?

I got to the point where I would sneak food, have to justify my rationale in deciding to buy a chocolate bar or a burger or some hot cheetos on a weekday when I hadn't even gone to the gym, where I would have to remind him we handn't been physically intimate in over a month...yet again...and that I promised if he paid more attention I'd go to the gym more. He'd nit pick my eating habits in public, praise me like a child when I chose to forgo the shake I so wanted with my burger, stare at me in dismay when I'd get dressed, and grab my sides the morning after a workout to see if I'd gotten smaller. I couldn't breathe in my own home and I couldn't feel okay. I certainly couldn't feel beautiful or wanted. It breaks my heart even now, not just for myself, but for women who go through having to feel this kind of pressure. You know what, I'm single and I eat french fries at two in the morning and some weeks I go without even seeing a piece of fruit and I go to the gym pretty often but that's because I enjoy it...not because I feel obligated to go! Yes, I would like to eat healthier, but I feel beautiful almost constantly and that wasn't true for my relationship days and I don't think that's a testament to my then-partner's character, but a testament to the treatment I allowed. I have a rule for people now- You're not allowed to comment on my weight, what I eat, how often I eat, what kind of workouts you think I should do, or whether you think I've gained or lost weight. You can call me beautiful, or you can get out. I deserve respect and appreciation because I work way too hard on myself to let you try and bring me down or make me feel like less than what I am.

Ladies, please demand respect, love, and support. You deserve the world.