For those of you who don't know, abuse victims have things called "triggers. They're moments, phrases, smells, and actions that 'trigger' horrible terrible awful memories and visceral reactions. Sometimes they bring flashbacks but most of the time they just make us feel....really gross and upset. I have several.
This is for those of you who have requested a formal list of no-no's around Tara.
-Baths. I don't want to talk about them. I don't want to hear about them. I certainly don't want to have one.
-Dirty bathrooms. Can't deal.
-That weird moisture in the air after a bath/shower mixed with cold....cold air...cold water....no.
-Don't joke about me being dirty, not having showered, being smelly, or anything closely related.
-Puking and gagging noises. Also cannot deal. Obviously if you have to throw up, I totally understand, but don't make joke-gagging noises, don't show me "funny vomit" videos, and please try not to drink excessively then vomit on me. Bad memories will be had.
-Messiness. Again, obviously, your house your rules and I'm not OCD or anything but....I can't handle excessively dirty or messy spaces.
-Female on female aggression. If it's in person, if it's in a video, if it's on TV- I don't want to hear or see it. I don't mean to say if you're female and you're in a fight with another female and you need help, I won't help you (because I will be the first to get in there and save you!) but please just don't make me sit there and watch something violent with you. It's not okay. Please just respect that I can't deal.
-Sex scenes that are non consensual, violent, or unhappy. Only happy romantic sex can be had.
-Rape. Rape jokes. "Rape" being used as a term in place of something that IS NOT RAPE. You're not funny. You're not cool. I don't like you more for making your witty little rape jokes.
-Don't joke about threesomes with me.
-Don't joke about "dominating" me, me being "kinky," or making me do anything even kind of sexual.
-Don't ever use the word "squeal" around me.
- Don't call me selfish unless you really genuinely feel I am being selfish because it KILLS me.
- Don't call me poor, ghetto, or homeless.
-Don't joke about "licking my tears."
-Don't joke about molestation. Or incest. Ever. You guys are fucking morons if you think that's funny.
-Don't tell me how to process my emotions, tell me about how useless therapy is, or tell me to "just get over it." You just get over it. I'm a strong, intelligent woman and I will deal how I deal. You can sit there and love me or you can walk away with your unwanted advice.
-Don't speak to me like I'm an unintelligent child.
-Don't come up to me from behind. NEVER EVER playfully choke me. Never pull my hair. Never yell at me.
-No joking about cannibalism
-Never call me unlovable.
-Never just walk away from me and leave me somewhere,
-Never say "You're being just like you're mom." or "Your mom was right." Just, why would you do that?
-Never belittle my art, my blog, or things I am proud of. You don't have to like it or what I do but there's no need to put me down.
-Don't throw, damage, or disrespect my things.
-Don't threaten to push me down stairs or escalators.
-Don't you EVER joke about suicide, slitting wrists, being emo, or being depressed.
-Don't make masturbation jokes.
-Don't make "walking in on your parents" jokes.
-Don't ever make stabbing motions at me. Never play with knives or scissors around me. Definitely NEVER threaten me with knives.
-Don't tell me I didn't "have it that bad" that I'm using my past as "a crutch" that I need to "suck it up" and that it's important not to "dwell on things." You don't know me or where I've come from well enough to be allowed to say those things.
-Don't force me to do math.
-Don't force me to read.
-Don't call me lazy, fat, chubby, chunky, or imply I lack self control when it comes to food. Just don't make fun of my work ethic or eating habits.
-Don't imply I have no friends and never say "No one likes you."
-Never tell say "just go kill yourself" around or to me.
-Don't make fat people + sexual jokes
-Don't make sex noises
-Don't imply having sex with me would be a horrible thing or in any way shape or form a "chore"
-Don't give me a gift then expect some huge reaction and gesture in return....then get upset when my reaction is wrong......the whole gift process terrifies me and overwhelms me as it is
-Do not take my food without asking. Sharing is hard for me and it's not funny.
.....there's more I'm sure......
damn, so many everyday occurences. Good luck.
ReplyDeleteya ya i accidentally spelled occurrence wrong. mistakes happen, don't feel the need to play teacher with me i got it covered. so i hear ur back from
ReplyDeleteboston hows that coming along?
The funny thing, while these all may happen often within our society, that doesn't make any of them very ok, at all, from what I read, most of them are based in either immaturity or a serious lack of respect for another human being.
ReplyDeleteYet, this society has become so jaded that these things are considered fine by most, and people should be so sensitive. Forget that. People need to learn to be polite again, and men need to find chivalry again in every way.
Tara, you're completely in the right for having whatever "Triggers" you have, you are your own wonderful individual, and with that comes things you don't like, and none of these dislikes are remotely beyond reason, people simply need to learn to be better people.
Honestly it's sad that you've even remotely felt the need to post these things since I'm certain these boundaries have all been crossed, repetitively, likely by the same folks.
You keep doing you, and keep being awesome. Everyone that has a serious issue with that, can DIAF ;)
-GA