Aspects of a Mom

    Yesterday was Mother's Day, and I have some bitter-sweet feelings. My mom and I aren't on speaking terms and I have to say, I'm glad. I'll admit, I checked her Facebook to see if she was missing her children, doing something special with my brother or sister maybe, but I didn't see any signs of celebration. For a moment, I felt sad and incredibly guilty. I even thought about driving out to see her and wish her a Happy Mother's Day, but I quickly decided against it.


   I think Mother's Day is a fantastic idea. Great mom's should be celebrated. I think they should be spoiled, and snuggled, and showered with love every day, especially on Mother's Day. But let's face it, not all mom's deserve a "celebration." My mom's favorite phrases are, "kill me now" and "nobody loves me" and she often liked to tell me how she miscarried two children and one of them should have been me. She also was wildly inconsistent, was an angry drunk, molested me, and to this day, makes me feel less than deserving of anything when I'm around her. It's no secret that I find next to nothing about my mom "mother like" and ever since I was small, I always wished for someone different to come along and snatch me up.


   I ended up spending the day honestly feeling pretty sad. It felt like a day meant to remind me of all the things my mom wasn't and all the things I wish I had gotten from her emotionally. Although I recognize I deserve better than what she could give me, it still sucks knowing I have to avoid my own mom to protect myself. 


   Over the past year and a half, I have lost my entire family. (No, they didn't die.) But, because of my actions-my decision to move away unexpectedly and leave my parent's toxic house, I am now labeled "the dysfunctional, unhappy, misguided, dishonest one."My dad often says to me, "We're not interested in seeing you until the 'old-Tara' is back." Or sometimes he tells me how Ethan's family (the family that's taken me in and showed me what it means to be a family) has brainwashed me.


   I don't want the "old-Tara" back. She was a scared, low-self-esteem, suicidal girl. I like me now. So why don't my parents? Why doesn't my family like independent, happy me? 


   Well, I don't have the answers to those things and I'm really not brave enough to tell them this is who I am and they should love me for it. But, what I have decided is that my biological mom doesn't deserve the title "mom" anymore. I'm taking it from her. All she is, is my past. And I'm glad to leave her behind.


Aspects of a Mom


   Since I left my parents' home, I've realized there are A LOT of great moms out there! Moms who have enough love in their hearts to share with children who may not be related to them biologically, but who are just as related to them emotionally as their own children. A lot of the women I hang out with today and go to for advice possess aspects of a mom that I've always wished for and needed. 


Here are a few shout outs to my much loved mamas who shape me today: 


Elizabeth: You've given me a stable home, consistency, a home for my crazy kitty cat, and all the love I could ever ask for. You're beyond wise, incredibly patient, and you put up with my lack of dish-washing (just like a real mom!) You accept my flaws, cherish my strengths, and guide me every day. You've helped me heal over the past year and a half and you've taught me what it means to be part of a fierce family. I love you and you'll always be a big part of my life.

Laura: You got me out of a bad place and into a wonderful one. You pushed me through tough times, held my hand when I needed it, and never failed to tell me what makes me great, even when I felt like I was anything but. You make me grilled cheese, invite me into your super cozy adorable home, make me nests (literal and otherwise) and accept my flaws. You saved me in so many ways and I am so grateful to you. Sometimes, I wish I had that time machine so you could snatch me up and we could do life together, Mathilda style. Sometimes, I'm sad you aren't my mama. I'm lucky to have you and your wonderfully big heart in my life.

Pam: We've had our struggles and you're not always my biggest fan, and though you probably will never read this, you've taught me that it's okay to pamper myself and put myself first sometimes. You've taught me how to have girly fun and be a Starbucks-snob. You've taught me how to feel fabulous and empowered. When it comes to learning how to empower yourself after years of constantly putting yourself and your needs in the back seat, you know what you're doing. I'm proud of what you've done for yourself and I'm happy to have had you around.

Marta: You were around as often, if not more as my mom when I was a kid. I think you always knew something was wrong in my household and you took me in and practically raised me. A lot of my really great childhood memories come from times at your house and being around you. You were my snuggly mom when I didn't have one. You were my shoulder to cry on. You were often my rock and stability when I had no one to turn to and nowhere to go. I love your eternal hopefulness, your incredible work ethic, your creativeness, your compassion, your acceptance, your snuggliness, your love of animals, and how you always watch home improvement shows. I remember, when I was little, sometimes I would just sit with you and watch with you. I remember it was always so relaxing and comforting to me, no matter how simple it was to me. You took me for ice cream with your children, brought me on family vacations, and treated me like one of your own. I still feel safe and at ease when I'm around you. You're an inspiration.

Anjuli: We don't talk now and I'm pretty sure you think I'm a failure or at least selfish but when I needed you, you were there. You were my role model when I was young and you taught me what compassion was. You were the glue to our family and you protected me with a fierceness I've never seen in anyone else. You taught me right from wrong. You were my mom when I was little and I was always so proud to have you around. The way you've grown and made your life, just, so positive makes me feel so hopeful and happy for people who come from trying backgrounds. I love the way you love your kitty, how committed you are, how passionate you are, how professional you are, your goofy smile, your silly dances, your sense of humor, how we have similar birth marks, and how much everyone loves you. You're the most beautiful person I know and you are my sister. I love you and I miss you.