This is a story sent into me. To send your story, email me at stargee@me.com
What young child wouldn’t want to fit in? I just happened to be chubby and awkward. I found acceptance among a small group of boys. I didn’t think anything of the fact that the other kids generally avoided us, or that these boys weren’t really kind to me, or anyone else. Snake tongued teasing turned into pushing and shoving, and later, punches and kicks. I was at the bottom of the proverbial totem pole. I told myself it was better than having no friends, I just bowed my head and hid my tears.
Through middle school and my early high school years, I tried numerous times to break away, but always found rejection amongst my peers, or harassment from the other boys in the group at my attempt to leave. I felt useless, ugly, and unwanted. To no surprise, these people didn’t last long through high school, and by the virtue of high school drop outs, I was free from their clutches, but the damage was done. I was a poorly adjusted high school sophomore with absolutely no self confidence.
When I was committed to the adolescent mental health ward at St. Mary’s Hospital in San Francisco after staring down a train and talking myself out of it at the last second, they diagnosed me with acute clinical depression.
Senior year in high school was a whirlwind of therapy, medications, and mental health facilities. To this day I look back on graduating as a major accomplishment for me. Since that time, I’ve spent a great deal reflecting on my life, and how it’s led to who I am today. Depression for me is like a fog, like having weights strapped to your legs. It prevents you from really enjoying life, from feeling joy and satisfaction in life. Having it kicked and beaten into you that you are ugly, worthless, and useless, isn’t something that you can shake off after a round in therapy. Depression is something that is something that affects you down to your very core, it is a virus that consumes it’s host. On my “bad” days, I feel as if I have no friends. I feel that I am ugly, and worthless, and sometimes I feel as if no one would miss me if I were gone.
Depression isn’t a simple malady as it’s made out to be on those cheesy antidepressant commercials. If you are truly depressed it is a merciless beast, a ball and chain wrapped around your neck.. High school was definitely the worst for me, those were my darkest days. I feel as if the worst is over, I am working professional photographer, I love my job, and have a great relationship with my parents whom I live with. I’m in the homestretch now, but I still have a long, day to day struggle ahead of me. I can see, for the first time in my life, a light at the end of the tunnel.
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