The Jealous Brat In Us Survivors

   Coming from abuse often makes you feel a lot like a child, especially if you were abused when you WERE a child. You feel vulnerable, unsure, and unsafe. I can't speak for everyone else, but I know that I've carried that into my adult life, hence the title "Feeling Young and Being Grown." When I get scared or I'm placed in a situation that makes me feel like I did when I was a kid, I turn into a child. I talk like one, I cry like one, I cuddle my stuffed animal, Peanut, and I curl up in a ball. 



   Last night, while I was writing my piece about sexual abuse and where I come from, I felt pretty good. It felt cathartic to get it out. When I finished, it was four in the morning- my boyfriend was fast asleep in bed next to me. The quiet made it real and I started to tear up. I nudged Ethan awake and he rolled out of bed to do what he always does in these situations: he went down and made me a mug of warm milk with sugar, came back and handed me Peanut, and put on a family guy and snuggled me to sleep. He's good to me that way. 


   It wasn't just remembering my own experiences that made me cry. It was hearing all of yours. To know that so many people suffer and feel, in many ways, exactly the same way I do can be overwhelming. It's a good-overwhelming, but I was honestly so shocked. Then it hit.....the insecurities....The jealous brat in me. 

   I don't know how many of you get this way, but I've talked it over with several of my sparkly-survivor friends and the feeling seems mutual: we don't like to hear when someone has gone through something we perceive as worse than what we've been through. It hurts! We think: "My pain can't possibly be valid now. What I went through was nothing. No one will believe my pain is pain, now that they've heard this person's story. Where does this leave me?" I'm going to call this part of us "the jealous brat."


   Sometimes we get stuck identifying ourselves by our abuse and it's all we feel like we have. We feel like there couldn't possibly be something inside of us, besides our pain and our past, that's worth knowing about....that's interesting. 


    Sometimes, I find myself trying to "one up" people when it comes to the abuse. I know. Totally terrible of me, right?! But we all do it. It's really just our insecurities telling us our lives and our own experiences must not matter. 


   I had someone tell me today that they wanted to share their story about their childhood, but after reading my story- they felt their experience paled in comparison. I'm sorry, but bullshit! Pain is pain and if you felt it, I care. We all care. I think we all can agree the "I was only raped once" or "it was by a woman so it doesn't count" or the "I think it may have all been in my head" cards cannot be used....it's just not cool with me anymore. I don't want to hear another person tell me one person's past was more or less painful than another's. It's time to stop being a jealous brat and recognize everyone's feelings are valid. Including yours.