This was a story sent into me. To send your story, email me at stargee@me.com
I am a survivor of drugs and rape. My sister got into drugs first after my parents split up during their divorce, ( I happened to find poems from the man that my mother was having a affair with and showed them to my father ) which then began 8 years of hell...
Anyways with the drug problems and the divorce going on at the same time, I noticed that life was going to become different forever. First, I started off with pot and cigarettes, following in my sister's footsteps. It became a non-stop thing of do this to mask the pain of life and my family breaking apart. It was a downward spiral of slowly caring less and less about school, getting in fights every week, having sex after being raped at a party for being too plastered and not knowing why my pants were at my ankles and a used condom was on my dick.
I stopped caring about the little things in life. Not looking both ways when I crossed the street, deteoriating friendships, failing grades.... Eventually because of financial hardships and my sister running away from home ( I'd think of her everynight and wonder if she was dead or alive, this created inter-personal turmoil in my life for years ) There was one day while at my mother's house, with my cat and I all alone, I found nothing in the fridge but two pieces of cheese, one of which I shared with my cat. I slowly was starving away and my mother was gone from 5 AM to 1 AM everyday and did not care if there was food around.
I began to drug deal to get by.. First it started off with pot then ectasy then cocaine then LSD then shrooms. Eventually the whole drug dealing thing got me in trouble with gangs- selling in their territory and all. I had to leave or get killed... so I fled the state. While out of state I realized that drugs are not a way to mask pain. If you want to live past troubling times, exercise until you feel safe with yourself and you can have confidence with your body and the feeling of safety in the ability to defend yourself. If the thoughts of suicide pass your head, believe that doing that will create a viscious cycle for the people around you. It will create more pain and more anguish than you escaping it.
I had thoughts of suicide before and was even very close to it until I found something worth living for. My father..
Now in terms of healing and finding yourself again after so much grieving and suffering, you need to learn to love yourself, be confident, even cocky, dont give a fuck about anything. Learn to love again, do something as a hobby like art or poetry. These things have saved me from suffering and my past. Pouring my emotions out on paper is more theraputic than any therapist or friendship I've had. Also smoking cigarettes has helped. ( I feel a sense that they will never leave me, as others have in the past ).
Remember, time heals all wounds. As for relationships, realize that you must find someone who you can sit down and talk to and have that chemistry of love AND attraction. Your life will change from the everyday mundane tasks to truly BEING happy, because they are the reason why you go on week to week. Yet, this is puppy love. You absolutely need to realize that they need space and don't be a stalker! Let them be their own person, and you be yourself. Being a survivor means nothing, you are still the same as everyone else yet you have a history now. You know you can survive anything that comes your way, just remember that it takes time to heal and be free of your wounds on your heart. Be free. Go live life. Love.
As my dad once said, "Do not ask for a lighter load, but ask for broader shoulders."
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