Dating me is like dating a barrel of monkeys....but 9 out of 10 monkeys have rabies. Also the 10th monkey pisses on your rug and laughs at you when you try to correct said behavior. Okay, maybe it's not that bad.
I have this terrible habit of warning any and all people interested in me that they couldn't have picked worse. Once they announce they're interested in me, I sit them down every time and have the same exact talk.
"You don't know me very well. You seem perfectly lovely and I wish you the best but I am a whole lot to deal with and you just don't understand what it takes. You don't have to tools or the patience or the self confidence to survive all o' this. Being with me is like running a marathon, where at the end, instead of being celebrated and feeling fitter, faster, and fabulous…..you get punched in the face…by me. And somehow end up fatter. I don't possess redeemable qualities, I'm selfish and self involved, I'm not very attractive, I'm inconsistent, constantly emotional and in need of attention and love and reassurance, I get very jealous and scared, nearly everything you do will be called wrong at some point, and it's just not even half worth it. The only reason you're attracted to me is because of your own dysfunctions and attraction to being mistreated and feeling inadequate." I know. Best sales pitch ever. Also totally rude, totally pessimistic, and totally inappropriate. But I set it up! You KNOW there's a lot of alarms going off and this is not probably what you're looking for. On my end, I'm not teaching myself anything positive by repeating some pretty negative and self deprecating comments just to scare men away because men being interested in me scares ME. But the whole deal is a mess.
If I were my own friend (separate of myself) I would sit me down and slap me a couple times. Give me some bear hugs. And tell myself to learn to hush up, listen a bit more than I yammer, and try not to self sabotage myself by using insults as a way of insulating myself.
Tuesday, May 27, 2014
Trauma Focussed CBT
So, I'm of course a huge therapy advocate. I've been seeing this therapist since October and I'm appreciating being further into "young adulthood" and getting to sift through my still in-progress but more developed thoughts on my utter dysfunction. I like that, with age, I can tell I actually have trained myself (and healed myself) enough to become slightly less sensitive, and slightly more aware. Though, the more I figure out, the more I realize I still have a very long way to go.
I like my current therapist because she's a lot younger than therapists I've had in the past. Which makes her more relatable and less intimidating. She's also a "no bullshit" kind of person which I dig, because I don't really enjoy being coddled or half listened to.
Despite the fact that I feel a lot of progress has been made, I still feel totally enmeshed in my day to day anxiety and bummed-outness about feeling inherently unlovable and gimpy. A lot of the PTSD stuff gets in the way of me having a functional day and feeling like and be fun and interesting and not exhausting to people. Trips to the gyno are way too traumatizing, people who sneak up from behind me to hug me terrify the shit out of me, and I have this assumption that eventually….I'm just going to get kidnap-rape-murdered. It's all very upsetting and unsexy.
People frequently recommend I do something other than talk therapy. Which, honestly I always take as an insult because I find therapy useful and don't feel like I'm some plateaued asshole who likes to listen to someone tell me I'm constantly right and fine and valid. I participate, ponder, and try to change behaviors. I don't always succeed, but I'm 22, so fuck it! I'm still doing pretty alright. EMDR is something that's usually recommended, which is a method of retraining your brain to reduce triggers. That weirds me out, probably in part because I'm unhealthily bonded with my triggers. They're like my freckles. Also, if I earned the triggers, I want to earn the right to say I healed myself….not that some mumbo jumbo weird overly simplified stuff did. Then I'd just feel silly. Hypnotism has also been recommended to me. That also sounds just plain awful and insulting. Though perhaps valid to some people, I'm not ready to hop on that train quite yet.
My therapist recommended something called "trauma focussed CBT" which is cognitive behavioral therapy…..with a focus on trauma. My understanding of CBT was that it was all very low intensity and focussed just on thought patterns and behaviors- not the stories behind them. With this therapy, it sounds a bit like the opposite. What I'm supposed to do is go in each week with my current therapist (because she's trained in this type of therapy) and we sit together and first create a timeline of all the traumatic events that have ever occurred in my life. That I can remember. Then, we go back and pick one memory for the week and I write down/explain every single detail I can remember, down to the weather and the smells and whatever other horrific senses are involved. Then I read it back to her. She reads it back to me. We discuss it. Then I go home and read it to trusted (pre selected) friends and "family" over and over every day for a week. Then I go back and repeat the same process with the next memory. Until I run out of memories to discuss. It sounds both horrifically awful and gloriously relieving. I'm figuring word-vomit blogging out the process may be constructive, or at least sort of calming. Prepare yourself.
Saturday, September 7, 2013
Life is Scary...And There's so Much More of It
Here's some word vomit for you:
Dating sucks. School sucks. Work sucks. Friendship sucks. Parents suck. Society sucks. People suck. Life's journey sucks..........oh boy. Is anyone else in a funk about...life? I can't think of one thing I feel truly thankful for or not overwhelmed by. Also concerned I may potentially be BPD....or bipolar....or just a permanently difficult and down person. Also wishing I had a million dollars to buy friends. And a boyfriend who could put up with my totally damaged and odd ways and still find a way to enjoy my company and still interact with me.....Oh, to be in your 20's.
Love, Silly-Sulky-Sally
Dating sucks. School sucks. Work sucks. Friendship sucks. Parents suck. Society sucks. People suck. Life's journey sucks..........oh boy. Is anyone else in a funk about...life? I can't think of one thing I feel truly thankful for or not overwhelmed by. Also concerned I may potentially be BPD....or bipolar....or just a permanently difficult and down person. Also wishing I had a million dollars to buy friends. And a boyfriend who could put up with my totally damaged and odd ways and still find a way to enjoy my company and still interact with me.....Oh, to be in your 20's.
Love, Silly-Sulky-Sally
Saturday, June 1, 2013
It Really Bugs Me When.....
It really bugs me when my boyfriend swears too much, or talks too loud, or spits in public, or makes those weird mucous-y sounds, or farts in my direction when he's sleeping. It really bugs me when he laughs along with me when I make fun of myself, or calls my love handles small after I admitted I currently have love handles (you're supposed to lie and say I have the body of a goddess!). It really bugs me when he makes plans with someone else after I've told him, casually, I don't really think I'll be seeing him today (because I'm mad and he doesn't know it). It bugs me when he makes me share my favorite foods I was going to share....if he hadn't asked me for a bite. It bugs me when he takes my side of the bed. It bugs me when he doesn't ask me to sleep over, but sometime is bugs me when he asks me to sleepover too. It bugs me when he messes all the covers up on my super perfect pretty takes-too-long-too-make-bed. It bugs me when he laughs at how flustered about it I get. It bugs me when he eats messy, or leaves trash in my car. It bugs me that he always has some sort of counter argument to my complaints. It bugs me when other girls say hello to him and he's nice back and chooses not to punch them in the face instead.
Then I realize....I need to calm the fuck down! I realize this a lot. But it's kind of ridiculously hard. Maybe I need medication. Or maybe I just become one of those AWFUL girls when I date and actually like the guy! Or maybe I pick people that I get in this dynamic with? Maybe I create this dynamic. Maybe I like being an agonizing-jerk! Or maybe I just need to calm the fuck down. Sometimes I think to myself, hey boyfriend, you should be upset with me a lot more! Can somebody give this guy a pat on the back? But then that realization makes me totally sad. If I were to make a list, from what I believe should be his perspective, it would go something like this:
"It really bugs me when my girlfriend is just a totally inexplicable bitch! Or when she nags at me every two seconds for having a good time. Or when she smiles at me and says she loves me for doing THE EXACT SAME THINGS. It really bugs me when I can't predict how she will feel that day, that hour, that moment, and I can predict even less about how she'll react to my attempts at resolving said problems. It really bugs me how indecisive she is. It really bugs me how aggressively jealous she can be, while she's consciously trying to make sure I get jealous about something she's doing. It really bugs me how I can't treat her how she treats me. It really bugs me how down she is all the time. It really bugs me how the more loving I act, the more pissed off at the world she gets. It really bugs me how ungrateful she is. It really bugs me how often she suggests we should break up. It really bugs me how much she seems like she dislikes me, and then how upset she gets when I decide to leave and stop dealing with her stupid shit. It really bugs me how anxious and nervous and irrational she gets. It really bugs me how I do all sorts of things for her and she does nothing for me in exchange. It really bugs me how isolated she makes herself. It really bugs me how she never picks me back up, but I always pick her up when she's in pieces. It really bugs me how inflexible she is. It really bugs me how hard it is to make her happy."
*sigh* Relationship guru's......please appear to me! I'm hopeless at this stuff!
Then I realize....I need to calm the fuck down! I realize this a lot. But it's kind of ridiculously hard. Maybe I need medication. Or maybe I just become one of those AWFUL girls when I date and actually like the guy! Or maybe I pick people that I get in this dynamic with? Maybe I create this dynamic. Maybe I like being an agonizing-jerk! Or maybe I just need to calm the fuck down. Sometimes I think to myself, hey boyfriend, you should be upset with me a lot more! Can somebody give this guy a pat on the back? But then that realization makes me totally sad. If I were to make a list, from what I believe should be his perspective, it would go something like this:
"It really bugs me when my girlfriend is just a totally inexplicable bitch! Or when she nags at me every two seconds for having a good time. Or when she smiles at me and says she loves me for doing THE EXACT SAME THINGS. It really bugs me when I can't predict how she will feel that day, that hour, that moment, and I can predict even less about how she'll react to my attempts at resolving said problems. It really bugs me how indecisive she is. It really bugs me how aggressively jealous she can be, while she's consciously trying to make sure I get jealous about something she's doing. It really bugs me how I can't treat her how she treats me. It really bugs me how down she is all the time. It really bugs me how the more loving I act, the more pissed off at the world she gets. It really bugs me how ungrateful she is. It really bugs me how often she suggests we should break up. It really bugs me how much she seems like she dislikes me, and then how upset she gets when I decide to leave and stop dealing with her stupid shit. It really bugs me how anxious and nervous and irrational she gets. It really bugs me how I do all sorts of things for her and she does nothing for me in exchange. It really bugs me how isolated she makes herself. It really bugs me how she never picks me back up, but I always pick her up when she's in pieces. It really bugs me how inflexible she is. It really bugs me how hard it is to make her happy."
*sigh* Relationship guru's......please appear to me! I'm hopeless at this stuff!
To My Secret Readers
Dear readers,
I know there are a few of you out there who read my blog and really resonate with some of the stuff I've talked about or what some of my reader's have written in about. If you'd like a chance to share your story too, please message me on the Facebook page (linked on the tab to the right) or email me at:
stargee@me.com.
As always, I am comforted by those of you who have taken the time to reach out and share with me.
I know there are a few of you out there who read my blog and really resonate with some of the stuff I've talked about or what some of my reader's have written in about. If you'd like a chance to share your story too, please message me on the Facebook page (linked on the tab to the right) or email me at:
stargee@me.com.
As always, I am comforted by those of you who have taken the time to reach out and share with me.
Monday, February 4, 2013
Life is a Balance, and I'm not Balanced
Dearest Virtual Friends,
So, I'm in my early twenties, I'm juggling school, work, friends, dating, and figuring out who I am. Normal stuff, right? Incorrect. Those are all normal things, it seems, for most (okay probably not most) everyone except me. You see, I'm juggling school (which I never quite learned how to actually DO because I was battling an alcoholic/suicidal/very much so in need mother from the age of five instead of learning my proper ABC's and multiplication tables and getting praised for 'what a good job I was doing.) I'm juggling work (which has never been just WORK to me because from the age of fifteen, work meant loaning what I could to my parents for our $8,000 monthly mortgage and saving whatever else I could because being poor and homeless has always been a very real fear to me.) I'm juggling friends (which I have none of because I apparently have the social skills of a rat....or something far less social if rodents turn out to be more social animals than I am.) I'm juggling dating (which proves to be evermore difficult for me because I start out confident and unattached and end up very much so self-esteemless and very very attached and, FYI, I am the planet's worst girlfriend.) And lastly, I'm juggling figuring out who I am, which basically, these days, entails me sitting around in tears wondering "Why ME? Why do I exist?"
As you can see, I'm really great at list making and talking and elaborating, but the older the get, the less I feel I have figured out about myself and what works. Okay, okay- so everyone realizes as they become "wiser" that they know very little. I know very little, and I'm less and less wise as the years go by it seems.
I understand that life is a balance and that I need to BE more balanced in the way that I live my life, but I am feeling fundamentally very unbalanced.
Here is a List of Some of the Things I'm Trying to Balance
So, I'm in my early twenties, I'm juggling school, work, friends, dating, and figuring out who I am. Normal stuff, right? Incorrect. Those are all normal things, it seems, for most (okay probably not most) everyone except me. You see, I'm juggling school (which I never quite learned how to actually DO because I was battling an alcoholic/suicidal/very much so in need mother from the age of five instead of learning my proper ABC's and multiplication tables and getting praised for 'what a good job I was doing.) I'm juggling work (which has never been just WORK to me because from the age of fifteen, work meant loaning what I could to my parents for our $8,000 monthly mortgage and saving whatever else I could because being poor and homeless has always been a very real fear to me.) I'm juggling friends (which I have none of because I apparently have the social skills of a rat....or something far less social if rodents turn out to be more social animals than I am.) I'm juggling dating (which proves to be evermore difficult for me because I start out confident and unattached and end up very much so self-esteemless and very very attached and, FYI, I am the planet's worst girlfriend.) And lastly, I'm juggling figuring out who I am, which basically, these days, entails me sitting around in tears wondering "Why ME? Why do I exist?"
As you can see, I'm really great at list making and talking and elaborating, but the older the get, the less I feel I have figured out about myself and what works. Okay, okay- so everyone realizes as they become "wiser" that they know very little. I know very little, and I'm less and less wise as the years go by it seems.
I understand that life is a balance and that I need to BE more balanced in the way that I live my life, but I am feeling fundamentally very unbalanced.
Here is a List of Some of the Things I'm Trying to Balance
- Time management
- Dating
- Sex
- School
- Friendships
- Social Media Usage
- TV Usage
- Learning How to Enjoy Reading
- Staying on top of Current Financial Responsibilities
- Saving
- Educating Myself About Basic Life Skills (I.E. Cars, Being Financially Savvy, Study Skills, Nutrition Skills, Basic Computer Applications, etc)
- Preparing Myself to Move out and be 100% Independent Within 1 Year
- Feeling Suicidal and Depressed
- Guilt About How I am a Financial and Emotional Burden, Feeling Guilt About How Behind in School I am, Feeling Guilt about How Unfit I am, Feeling Guild about How bad of a Friend I Must be, Feeling Guilt that Someone is Dating ME, Feeling Guilt that I Own a Car-Go to School-and Have Freedom and Still have Depression, Feeling Guilt that I Don't Speak to my Family, Feeling Guilt that I Still Have Trouble with Sex, and Feeling Guilt that I Don't Have Two Jobs and Several More Classes.
- Fitness- Losing Weight and Being Consistent but Also not Being Obsessive and Unhealthy about Fitness (Which is difficult for me...)
- Not Being Obsessive
- Being "OCD" When Stressed
- Being Whiny and Sad around Others
- Missing my Family and Feeling Sad about Loss
- Being Afraid for my Future
- Work- Not Being Capable or Intelligent Enough to Work
- "Looking" Pretty
- Understanding What a Healthy Relationship with Alcohol is for me
- (And several other things.....)
Wednesday, January 2, 2013
I'm Kinda Dating an Emotional Virgin
I've been accidentally dating this guy for close to 9 months and now I think I may really like him. The problem is, he started out as a rebound 3 weeks after I moved back from breakup-Boston and now I'm needing to adjust my frame of mind around him and us. I don't know if I've properly healed from my breakup, I don't feel very "finished" as a product/person, and he's kind of an emotional virgin. I feel like, to grossly simplify things, I come from a dark creepy horror-scene of a forest and my strengths are things like being analytical and aware and deep and emotional and he comes from a gingerbread house, complete with chirping birds and visiting grandmas and his strengths are things like......being young and not caring about what other people think. In a way, he forces me not to take myself so seriously. But I take myself so seriously! I get so wrapped up in worrying about what people might think (because not everyone is his biggest fan). I worry about what my ex's parents think (they don't like him so much and I live with them! Can't step on anyone's toes!) I KNOW my parents would hate him but who cares about them. Lots of my friends.....well used to be his friend before I was and they are no longer fans of his. I like dating people who are able to just blend and mesh and get along with everyone without upsetting anyone. But he makes me laugh, cheers me up accidentally, and treats me like an equal-not a cripple. He moves heaven and earth for me and genuinely loves to spend time with me. He calls me "beautiful" every chance he gets and I think he means it. He listens to me and TRIES every time I ask for something different from him. I think he'd be happy to get the best OR the worst of me. He admits (most) of his faults and never "punishes" me for the mistakes I make. He knows how to say sorry. He incorporates me in anything he does. He never brings me down. He knows how to defend himself AND me. He grows and I kinda love it.
Here's the age old question: As someone who comes from abuse and a dark past, do you date someone who comes from a similarly messed up past or do you date someone who has come out relatively unscathed by life? Date someone who's damaged- drown together/better support each other with a deeper understanding. Date someone who's all whole and naive- feel alone in your problems and feel like the "difficult" one/have someone with more energy to pick you up or stand by you when you're struggling. I haven't figured it out yet. I lean towards dating older guys with similar pasts but I tend to end up with younger guys who have not one clue how to even approach the most basic of issues I struggle with.
I live in fear of commitment. Let's be honest, I did the commitment thing, as I often do- moved in with my boyfriend, then moved all the way out to Boston for him and his dreams and talked about marriage, and I got burned. I can admit, I'm a tough person to be with. I'm bossy, I'm emotional, I'm not always very consistent, I run away a lot, and I'm apparently a TERRIBLE communicator (says everyone I date.) I love to love and nurture but apparently I'm even better at neglecting my romantic partners. Believe you me, I will push you to your limits and then some. So dating worries me because once we arrive at this point in our relationship where I FINALLY decide to let my walls down enough to say "I like you," then there's this whole other very elaborate song and dance where I constantly am in a state of panic. "Will you eventually leave me?" "How am I supposed to trust you?" "Are you cheating on me?" "Of course you're cheating on me because you secretly hate me. You never actually liked me at all, did you?!" And then I work myself into a crazy tizzy. I don't trust people. I don't respect people because I'm always afraid they don't respect me. I always assume things are temporary so I never get to a point where I mellow out and enjoy the person I'm with. Obviously, I'm hoping to work on those things and I hope I've improved over the years, but past and current relationships tell me I have quite a ways to go. I just hope I don't break this boy.
Here's the age old question: As someone who comes from abuse and a dark past, do you date someone who comes from a similarly messed up past or do you date someone who has come out relatively unscathed by life? Date someone who's damaged- drown together/better support each other with a deeper understanding. Date someone who's all whole and naive- feel alone in your problems and feel like the "difficult" one/have someone with more energy to pick you up or stand by you when you're struggling. I haven't figured it out yet. I lean towards dating older guys with similar pasts but I tend to end up with younger guys who have not one clue how to even approach the most basic of issues I struggle with.
7 Rules for Living With Your Ex-Boyfriend
Now, I know most of you out there (luckily) will never have to live with your ex-boyfriend/girlfriend but here's a few facts about what it's like. I'm sure you'll have a laugh or two. I know I didn't.
1) Remember to act like you feel AWESOME. Wear your highest heels. Put on your favorite perfume. Dress like you're getting laid EVERY DAY! Do squats and pushups real fast before he comes home. Casually toss your hair like you ooze sex appeal and have not ONE worry in the world. Strut yo' stuff.
2) Remind yourself he is your EX boyfriend for a reason. Sure he smells great, looks better than he did before, and for some stupid ass reason walks around the house shirtless. He still forgets to flush, makes you insecure because he's insecure, and is boring as all hell. Remember that bigger and better things await you and you don't need to be taking steps backwards just because he's presenting his best self.
3) Cry very quietly when your ex is within earshot! I learned this the hard way. Getting caught sobbing over what used to be and could have been is rather embarrassing. Especially when he requests you quiet down so he can call his new girlfriend....
4) For God's sake, don't stay in. Living with your ex-boyfriend is a total mind fuck. All of the sudden you think you wish he'd notice you, you start hoping he'll engage in conversation with you. Maybe he'll say you look pretty today! Maybe you'll have some sort of movie moment where he catches a glimpse of you out of the corner of his eye and he walks up to you, grabs you, and gives you the most firework-y kiss of your life and says something like, "I made a mistake. I don't want her. I want you. It's always been you. Please take me back!" Psshtt.....Woman, not only are you dreaming, but you're setting yourself up for several teary-eyed dates with Ben & Jerry's because if he didn't know you were the one when you were together, he's certainly not going to come to the realization now. Remember, he's not the one who doesn't want you back. YOU don't want HIM back! Go out, have some fun, have a good cry in your car, and surround yourself with people who CURRENTLY know how to appreciate a good woman when they have one.
5) Feel free to make fun of your ex as much as you want. Go for it! Have fun, I know I do. Okay, be fair and appropriate and don't make it a habit but confide in a close girlfriend or two and laugh at that poor boy's expense. Come on, it'll make you feel better.
6) Be honest with yourself. Being around an ex boyfriend can make you feel all sorts of things. Some of those feelings are valid, and some of those are feelings that have been created because of the environment you're in. Yes, you probably miss parts of his personality and some of what you two were like as a couple but was it really as glamorous as you're making it out to be now that you're broken up? Odds are, he wasn't all that and a bag of chips and you're probably relieved to be moving on. Keep moving on!
7) Try not to live with your ex boyfriend. It sucks.
1) Remember to act like you feel AWESOME. Wear your highest heels. Put on your favorite perfume. Dress like you're getting laid EVERY DAY! Do squats and pushups real fast before he comes home. Casually toss your hair like you ooze sex appeal and have not ONE worry in the world. Strut yo' stuff.
2) Remind yourself he is your EX boyfriend for a reason. Sure he smells great, looks better than he did before, and for some stupid ass reason walks around the house shirtless. He still forgets to flush, makes you insecure because he's insecure, and is boring as all hell. Remember that bigger and better things await you and you don't need to be taking steps backwards just because he's presenting his best self.
3) Cry very quietly when your ex is within earshot! I learned this the hard way. Getting caught sobbing over what used to be and could have been is rather embarrassing. Especially when he requests you quiet down so he can call his new girlfriend....
4) For God's sake, don't stay in. Living with your ex-boyfriend is a total mind fuck. All of the sudden you think you wish he'd notice you, you start hoping he'll engage in conversation with you. Maybe he'll say you look pretty today! Maybe you'll have some sort of movie moment where he catches a glimpse of you out of the corner of his eye and he walks up to you, grabs you, and gives you the most firework-y kiss of your life and says something like, "I made a mistake. I don't want her. I want you. It's always been you. Please take me back!" Psshtt.....Woman, not only are you dreaming, but you're setting yourself up for several teary-eyed dates with Ben & Jerry's because if he didn't know you were the one when you were together, he's certainly not going to come to the realization now. Remember, he's not the one who doesn't want you back. YOU don't want HIM back! Go out, have some fun, have a good cry in your car, and surround yourself with people who CURRENTLY know how to appreciate a good woman when they have one.
5) Feel free to make fun of your ex as much as you want. Go for it! Have fun, I know I do. Okay, be fair and appropriate and don't make it a habit but confide in a close girlfriend or two and laugh at that poor boy's expense. Come on, it'll make you feel better.
6) Be honest with yourself. Being around an ex boyfriend can make you feel all sorts of things. Some of those feelings are valid, and some of those are feelings that have been created because of the environment you're in. Yes, you probably miss parts of his personality and some of what you two were like as a couple but was it really as glamorous as you're making it out to be now that you're broken up? Odds are, he wasn't all that and a bag of chips and you're probably relieved to be moving on. Keep moving on!
7) Try not to live with your ex boyfriend. It sucks.
Bound to be Crazy
Holiday Greetings All,
Sometimes, I assess my life and all the "parts" that make up me and I feel like there's no way I'm NOT cukoo-for-cocoa puffs, or at least bound to be. My life is messy, largely in part by choice. I still rent from my ex-love's parents, I'm still estranged from my parents, I still beat myself up every day, and I'm still a roller coaster of "will" and "won't." Yes, I will try. No, I won't get past this. Yes, I will come out on top. No, I won't make it through today. Yes, I will repair myself. No, I won't ever be proud of what I've become. Yes, I will find peace. No, I'll never figure out how to love and be loved.
Sometimes, I get so wrapped up in analyzing, re-analyzing, and over-analyzing who I am and how I react to things and I end up getting, just, so sick of myself! I can't imagine how the people around me manage to be around me! I'm bossy, demanding, and unappreciative. I'm the opposite of fun. I'm a people repellent. Then I feel stupid for saying such negative things. I'm a million miles a minute.
I made it through the holidays...I think? Worse for wear. I cried all through Christmas day. I cried all through my birthday. I watched my ex boyfriend be happy and functional in his new found relationship. It made me feel embarrassed about myself and how far I...maybe haven't come. I just spent the majority of December in tears and I don't know why I do it to myself. Being rejected by my family still gets me every time and I feel dumb for not being able to accept that I am without family. But then I think, "Well why am I alone? Maybe it's me. Of course it's me. What have I done?"
The holidays and my birthday turns me into the biggest brat. I don't know how to be grateful. I don't know how to be quietly giving. I don't know how to "go with the flow." I need order, attendance, and timeliness around the holidays and my birthday. I need smiles, compliments, and meaningful gestures. I need and undying, unlimited amount of love. And it still ends up leaving me feeling empty and unseen, come Christmas morning. I have so much back-tracking, and making up for what I didn't have I still feel like I need to do. I just need so much. Too much?
I feel like parents give you the tools to develop healthy relationships, plan well for yourself, and they teach you how to be one of your biggest support systems.....Healthy parents anyway. Growing up, I don't think I ever once saw my mom support herself. She had no confidence. She wasn't ever happy. And she never truly understood what it felt like and meant to be loved. I didn't grow up with any of the right kind of modeling and I certainly never really felt supported. My mom used to take pictures of my tears, amplify my failures, and remind me why friends and boyfriends must have chosen to leave me. I fight really hard to be positive and supportive of myself and others but sometimes I feel like the behavior that was modeled to me as a child sticks and I get a little nasty and pretty negative when I really just need someone to step in and be my support system.
Sometimes, I assess my life and all the "parts" that make up me and I feel like there's no way I'm NOT cukoo-for-cocoa puffs, or at least bound to be. My life is messy, largely in part by choice. I still rent from my ex-love's parents, I'm still estranged from my parents, I still beat myself up every day, and I'm still a roller coaster of "will" and "won't." Yes, I will try. No, I won't get past this. Yes, I will come out on top. No, I won't make it through today. Yes, I will repair myself. No, I won't ever be proud of what I've become. Yes, I will find peace. No, I'll never figure out how to love and be loved.
Sometimes, I get so wrapped up in analyzing, re-analyzing, and over-analyzing who I am and how I react to things and I end up getting, just, so sick of myself! I can't imagine how the people around me manage to be around me! I'm bossy, demanding, and unappreciative. I'm the opposite of fun. I'm a people repellent. Then I feel stupid for saying such negative things. I'm a million miles a minute.
I made it through the holidays...I think? Worse for wear. I cried all through Christmas day. I cried all through my birthday. I watched my ex boyfriend be happy and functional in his new found relationship. It made me feel embarrassed about myself and how far I...maybe haven't come. I just spent the majority of December in tears and I don't know why I do it to myself. Being rejected by my family still gets me every time and I feel dumb for not being able to accept that I am without family. But then I think, "Well why am I alone? Maybe it's me. Of course it's me. What have I done?"
The holidays and my birthday turns me into the biggest brat. I don't know how to be grateful. I don't know how to be quietly giving. I don't know how to "go with the flow." I need order, attendance, and timeliness around the holidays and my birthday. I need smiles, compliments, and meaningful gestures. I need and undying, unlimited amount of love. And it still ends up leaving me feeling empty and unseen, come Christmas morning. I have so much back-tracking, and making up for what I didn't have I still feel like I need to do. I just need so much. Too much?
I feel like parents give you the tools to develop healthy relationships, plan well for yourself, and they teach you how to be one of your biggest support systems.....Healthy parents anyway. Growing up, I don't think I ever once saw my mom support herself. She had no confidence. She wasn't ever happy. And she never truly understood what it felt like and meant to be loved. I didn't grow up with any of the right kind of modeling and I certainly never really felt supported. My mom used to take pictures of my tears, amplify my failures, and remind me why friends and boyfriends must have chosen to leave me. I fight really hard to be positive and supportive of myself and others but sometimes I feel like the behavior that was modeled to me as a child sticks and I get a little nasty and pretty negative when I really just need someone to step in and be my support system.
Wednesday, October 10, 2012
Do You Like Me?
I'm fantastic at reading people. I enjoy it. I love to listen and support and analyze and I just, plain and simple, love people (mostly). I, however, cannot master reading what people think of me. I have a lot of anxiety and expectations of myself and this ridiculous notion that if I am not your ABSOLUTE favorite person on this Earth, I'm your least.
I have this complex where I feel like when people meet me, they see all the flaws I know to exist within myself. They think I act to young and silly, they think I'm unattractive and full of myself, they think I'm unintelligent and lazy, they think I'm to judgmental and cold. Or they just plain don't like me. I think I'm pretty good at first impressions- seeming confident, established and kind- but after that, it's all a big ol' downward spiral. In an attempt to please everyone, I kind of lose sight of the big picture. Who am I and what do I want to convey about myself? I have no idea! Who I am is rather jumbled and kind of terrified and mostly exhausted.
I feel like a grown-brat sometimes because I realize in a group setting, if I don't feel acknowledged and noticed (enough), I feel invisible and upset with everyone else for not liking me or including me. Someone can tell me an hour prior that they love all sorts of things about me and that I'm their favorite person to be around and I'll still end up unsure that they even really enjoy seeing me. I get anxious seeing even my closest of friends! I always show up 10 minutes late, kind of frazzled and apologetic and I just wish it wasn't super clingy and needy to ask at the beginning of every get together "Do you still like me?" Because I have no idea.
I've lost so many friends and relationships as of late and it always ends with the other person choosing to leave me. Why is that? What do I do? Why am I so unlikable? Am I mean?....Insensitive......Not funny? Am I not worth a friendship? These are things I wish I could mash up into a survey and have everyone answer on a daily basis. It would be rather helpful.
I have this complex where I feel like when people meet me, they see all the flaws I know to exist within myself. They think I act to young and silly, they think I'm unattractive and full of myself, they think I'm unintelligent and lazy, they think I'm to judgmental and cold. Or they just plain don't like me. I think I'm pretty good at first impressions- seeming confident, established and kind- but after that, it's all a big ol' downward spiral. In an attempt to please everyone, I kind of lose sight of the big picture. Who am I and what do I want to convey about myself? I have no idea! Who I am is rather jumbled and kind of terrified and mostly exhausted.
I feel like a grown-brat sometimes because I realize in a group setting, if I don't feel acknowledged and noticed (enough), I feel invisible and upset with everyone else for not liking me or including me. Someone can tell me an hour prior that they love all sorts of things about me and that I'm their favorite person to be around and I'll still end up unsure that they even really enjoy seeing me. I get anxious seeing even my closest of friends! I always show up 10 minutes late, kind of frazzled and apologetic and I just wish it wasn't super clingy and needy to ask at the beginning of every get together "Do you still like me?" Because I have no idea.
I've lost so many friends and relationships as of late and it always ends with the other person choosing to leave me. Why is that? What do I do? Why am I so unlikable? Am I mean?....Insensitive......Not funny? Am I not worth a friendship? These are things I wish I could mash up into a survey and have everyone answer on a daily basis. It would be rather helpful.
Saturday, October 6, 2012
Just Don't Call Me Beautiful
So I'm single and I'm officially learning how to mingle. Mind you, I'm not typically a mingler...or single so I'm in the land of scary and unknown. Or maybe just different....
I envision it like this:
So here I am in the jungle, stomping around with my "Hey, I'm not trying to be in a committed relationship" machete of bullshit and my "I can totally be casual and cool and flirty and non emotional" survival pack and, dude, I'm pretty sure I've been nearly eaten by tigers like.....three fucking times already. When I first started this single+mingle thing, I was originally in the jungle sauntering around like some sort of Angelina Jolie super-star, somehow managing to sport lipgloss and perfect hair as I nonchalantly fended off...mummies and snakes and all sorts of other terrible shit and.....well basically I've never seen Tomb Raider and mummies don't live in jungles but I was kicking ass at being single. And then I wasn't.
I did the dating thing and it was pretty amazing to feel wanted and sought after and beautiful and I felt like, all of the sudden, I was fixed. No more feeling ugly, no more feeling unlovable, no more feeling like I'll never find someone who can "deal" with me and my problems. I was desirable and I was a downright catch! Who knew?! But then, as I always do, I got attached to some people, I got overwhelmed by the positive attention, I said the wrong things, I felt really guilty, I made people upset, some voice in my head was calling me a whore for dating, people realized they actually didn't really like my personality all that much, or worse, people realized they did like me. What's this? You want to date me? You want to be in a committed relationship? Oh, no no no....I'm still...somewhat....newly single and feeling pretty gimpy from my last relationship and I don't think I can put myself back in the meat grinder of punishment that is "love" and "monogamy" just yet. And also, million dollar question: why would you want to date ME? Think about it.
So I'm trying the casual dating thing and things are fine and fun and lighthearted and I'm in bed with this man I've been seeing.......And that's been going all fine and dandy, and then mid-deed, out comes the dreaded phrase. "You're beautiful."
IN WHAT ALTERNATE UNIVERSE DO YOU THINK IT'S APPROPRIATE TO CALL ME BEAUTIFUL MID-SEX?! What a turn-off, right?
So, I'm pretty sure I made it out of there faster than a Kenyan can run a 100 meter dash. I'm pretty sure I maybe yelled at him? I'm definitely sure I cried the whole car-ride home. I'm 100% certain I was a total jerk and very mystifying, as all he was guilty of was being super sweet, super understanding, and maybe not quite as fast as a Kenyan runner. This poor boy, right?
Okay, let me explain to those of you who may be confused. Every woman loves to hear she's beautiful. That's she's pretty. That she's sexy. And that she's loved. Basic ladies 101 right? Wrong! In theory, I eat that stuff up. It's really cute and I love to know when you're attracted to me but, believe it or not, it sounds and feels like an insult when we're really close and I like you. I feel like you're trying to trick me into feeling better about myself, when in reality, you don't think I'm all that great at all. You just feel badly for me and my hideousness. Just don't call me beautiful. (But really, please do. Just be prepared for tears and yelling and me storming out of your house/a restaurant/me kicking you out of my house.) I'm pretty sure this kind of reaction is totally common for those of us who have been through any kind of abuse, sexual abuse, or just shitty ass relationships.
Oh, intimacy, we're not quite friends yet.....
Saturday, July 28, 2012
Triggers
For those of you who don't know, abuse victims have things called "triggers. They're moments, phrases, smells, and actions that 'trigger' horrible terrible awful memories and visceral reactions. Sometimes they bring flashbacks but most of the time they just make us feel....really gross and upset. I have several.
This is for those of you who have requested a formal list of no-no's around Tara.
-Baths. I don't want to talk about them. I don't want to hear about them. I certainly don't want to have one.
-Dirty bathrooms. Can't deal.
-That weird moisture in the air after a bath/shower mixed with cold....cold air...cold water....no.
-Don't joke about me being dirty, not having showered, being smelly, or anything closely related.
-Puking and gagging noises. Also cannot deal. Obviously if you have to throw up, I totally understand, but don't make joke-gagging noises, don't show me "funny vomit" videos, and please try not to drink excessively then vomit on me. Bad memories will be had.
-Messiness. Again, obviously, your house your rules and I'm not OCD or anything but....I can't handle excessively dirty or messy spaces.
-Female on female aggression. If it's in person, if it's in a video, if it's on TV- I don't want to hear or see it. I don't mean to say if you're female and you're in a fight with another female and you need help, I won't help you (because I will be the first to get in there and save you!) but please just don't make me sit there and watch something violent with you. It's not okay. Please just respect that I can't deal.
-Sex scenes that are non consensual, violent, or unhappy. Only happy romantic sex can be had.
-Rape. Rape jokes. "Rape" being used as a term in place of something that IS NOT RAPE. You're not funny. You're not cool. I don't like you more for making your witty little rape jokes.
-Don't joke about threesomes with me.
-Don't joke about "dominating" me, me being "kinky," or making me do anything even kind of sexual.
-Don't ever use the word "squeal" around me.
- Don't call me selfish unless you really genuinely feel I am being selfish because it KILLS me.
- Don't call me poor, ghetto, or homeless.
-Don't joke about "licking my tears."
-Don't joke about molestation. Or incest. Ever. You guys are fucking morons if you think that's funny.
-Don't tell me how to process my emotions, tell me about how useless therapy is, or tell me to "just get over it." You just get over it. I'm a strong, intelligent woman and I will deal how I deal. You can sit there and love me or you can walk away with your unwanted advice.
-Don't speak to me like I'm an unintelligent child.
-Don't come up to me from behind. NEVER EVER playfully choke me. Never pull my hair. Never yell at me.
-No joking about cannibalism
-Never call me unlovable.
-Never just walk away from me and leave me somewhere,
-Never say "You're being just like you're mom." or "Your mom was right." Just, why would you do that?
-Never belittle my art, my blog, or things I am proud of. You don't have to like it or what I do but there's no need to put me down.
-Don't throw, damage, or disrespect my things.
-Don't threaten to push me down stairs or escalators.
-Don't you EVER joke about suicide, slitting wrists, being emo, or being depressed.
-Don't make masturbation jokes.
-Don't make "walking in on your parents" jokes.
-Don't ever make stabbing motions at me. Never play with knives or scissors around me. Definitely NEVER threaten me with knives.
-Don't tell me I didn't "have it that bad" that I'm using my past as "a crutch" that I need to "suck it up" and that it's important not to "dwell on things." You don't know me or where I've come from well enough to be allowed to say those things.
-Don't force me to do math.
-Don't force me to read.
-Don't call me lazy, fat, chubby, chunky, or imply I lack self control when it comes to food. Just don't make fun of my work ethic or eating habits.
-Don't imply I have no friends and never say "No one likes you."
-Never tell say "just go kill yourself" around or to me.
-Don't make fat people + sexual jokes
-Don't make sex noises
-Don't imply having sex with me would be a horrible thing or in any way shape or form a "chore"
-Don't give me a gift then expect some huge reaction and gesture in return....then get upset when my reaction is wrong......the whole gift process terrifies me and overwhelms me as it is
-Do not take my food without asking. Sharing is hard for me and it's not funny.
.....there's more I'm sure......
This is for those of you who have requested a formal list of no-no's around Tara.
-Baths. I don't want to talk about them. I don't want to hear about them. I certainly don't want to have one.
-Dirty bathrooms. Can't deal.
-That weird moisture in the air after a bath/shower mixed with cold....cold air...cold water....no.
-Don't joke about me being dirty, not having showered, being smelly, or anything closely related.
-Puking and gagging noises. Also cannot deal. Obviously if you have to throw up, I totally understand, but don't make joke-gagging noises, don't show me "funny vomit" videos, and please try not to drink excessively then vomit on me. Bad memories will be had.
-Messiness. Again, obviously, your house your rules and I'm not OCD or anything but....I can't handle excessively dirty or messy spaces.
-Female on female aggression. If it's in person, if it's in a video, if it's on TV- I don't want to hear or see it. I don't mean to say if you're female and you're in a fight with another female and you need help, I won't help you (because I will be the first to get in there and save you!) but please just don't make me sit there and watch something violent with you. It's not okay. Please just respect that I can't deal.
-Sex scenes that are non consensual, violent, or unhappy. Only happy romantic sex can be had.
-Rape. Rape jokes. "Rape" being used as a term in place of something that IS NOT RAPE. You're not funny. You're not cool. I don't like you more for making your witty little rape jokes.
-Don't joke about threesomes with me.
-Don't joke about "dominating" me, me being "kinky," or making me do anything even kind of sexual.
-Don't ever use the word "squeal" around me.
- Don't call me selfish unless you really genuinely feel I am being selfish because it KILLS me.
- Don't call me poor, ghetto, or homeless.
-Don't joke about "licking my tears."
-Don't joke about molestation. Or incest. Ever. You guys are fucking morons if you think that's funny.
-Don't tell me how to process my emotions, tell me about how useless therapy is, or tell me to "just get over it." You just get over it. I'm a strong, intelligent woman and I will deal how I deal. You can sit there and love me or you can walk away with your unwanted advice.
-Don't speak to me like I'm an unintelligent child.
-Don't come up to me from behind. NEVER EVER playfully choke me. Never pull my hair. Never yell at me.
-No joking about cannibalism
-Never call me unlovable.
-Never just walk away from me and leave me somewhere,
-Never say "You're being just like you're mom." or "Your mom was right." Just, why would you do that?
-Never belittle my art, my blog, or things I am proud of. You don't have to like it or what I do but there's no need to put me down.
-Don't throw, damage, or disrespect my things.
-Don't threaten to push me down stairs or escalators.
-Don't you EVER joke about suicide, slitting wrists, being emo, or being depressed.
-Don't make masturbation jokes.
-Don't make "walking in on your parents" jokes.
-Don't ever make stabbing motions at me. Never play with knives or scissors around me. Definitely NEVER threaten me with knives.
-Don't tell me I didn't "have it that bad" that I'm using my past as "a crutch" that I need to "suck it up" and that it's important not to "dwell on things." You don't know me or where I've come from well enough to be allowed to say those things.
-Don't force me to do math.
-Don't force me to read.
-Don't call me lazy, fat, chubby, chunky, or imply I lack self control when it comes to food. Just don't make fun of my work ethic or eating habits.
-Don't imply I have no friends and never say "No one likes you."
-Never tell say "just go kill yourself" around or to me.
-Don't make fat people + sexual jokes
-Don't make sex noises
-Don't imply having sex with me would be a horrible thing or in any way shape or form a "chore"
-Don't give me a gift then expect some huge reaction and gesture in return....then get upset when my reaction is wrong......the whole gift process terrifies me and overwhelms me as it is
-Do not take my food without asking. Sharing is hard for me and it's not funny.
.....there's more I'm sure......
Peanut
Growing up, I didn't really have friends. I lived in the Country Club where it was more important to be wearing the right shoes than to be caring for the right people. Ambulances, cop cars, and firetrucks were always over at my house either scooping my mom up pawning her right back off on us and my family was just a big embarrassment. Not to me but to the "Country Club." People talked about our family and my mom all the time and speculated about what was wrong but the consensus was "Stay away from that family and stay away from Tara." I didn't help my case much, either. I never did very well in school, I cheated a lot on math tests, and I faked my way through most of my homework. I was what they call "the class clown" and people looooved my sense of humor until I went one joke too far, as I always did, and people realized I was one big awkward try hard who always managed to piss off the teacher. It'd be the same thing every year- I'd be exceedingly polite and intelligent and helpful in class, I'd do the best on all my projects and turn all my homework in on time. Teachers would EAT ME UP! It was the best. As stuff would progressively get worse at home, as they always did, I would get progressively more flakey in class. I'd bond more with the teacher, associate them more as my parental figure, and the lines would always get blurred for me, as they still do. I'd assume because the teachers loved ME so much and treated specifically ME so kindly, that we had this special "bond." Because I didn't have the bonds at home I so desperately wanted, I tried to make them with my teachers...with my friend's parents.....with any adult figure I could bump into and show I could be lovable too. I'd always get myself into trouble because I'd get too chummy, cross some boundary and make some joke that was too familiar, and end up on yet another persons' shit list.
Besides my lack of social graces, my mom was out there waving our "We're not normal!" flag all too loudly for me to even stand a chance. I remember all the awkward inappropriate moments at school where I would realize....at home I can at least keep this hidden and pretend like home is okay but when you come to school and show everyone just how not okay we are, I'm just fucked. Back to School Night was just a nightmare for me. My mom would show up drunk and spill drinks on people. She'd walk around telling my friends' moms to "be careful" because I was a lesbian and she was "worried" for their daughters. For the record, I was not a lesbian in the third grade, and am still not a lesbian now... She'd talk about how awful my dad was, how he never made enough money. She'd just sit there and immaculate him. She'd talk about what an ungrateful child I was or my sister was and how she wished she had miscarried me or "kept her legs shut" or how AMAZING I was and what I blessing I ended up being. How I was the only child she really liked. It's a wonder I'm not more confused about my identity than I already am. I could go on and on about all the mommy-faux-pas my mom made (which I do) but the point I try to make is she gave me LITERALLY absolutely no tools to understand what it means to make and maintain relationships, what it means to value yourself, what it looks like to be loved in a healthy unconditional way.....just nothing.
Because all my friends' moms thought I was either a lesbian, incredibly disturbed, or had a highly dysfunctional family (which was accurate), I spent a lot of time by myself. I drew a lot, played with blocks, watched a whole lot of Little Bear (my ideal family model) and snuggled Peanut- my blue stuffed Elephant. I don't know why he's my favorite or why he stuck because I had precisely two other favorite stuffed animals- one's name was Bun-Bun (a skinny white rabbit with floppy ears my mom bought me from Goodwill) and Angel Bear. Angel Bear is something I really really wish I still had because it's just so symbolic and indicative of my relationship with my mother. My mom, obviously, had a drinking problem, and would not only forget to pick me up from school, but would be too busy getting her drank on and listening to our sweet ass Bose system to realize I had walked myself home (at age five) and was waiting on the front doorstep....just ringing the doorbell over and over again, going, "Mommy? Are you okay? I'm home." And I would sit. And wait. For hours. I tell this story over and over again in person and on my blog because this image of this little sweet five year old girl with, sitting on her front doorstep, locked out, waiting for her mom to remember she exists long enough to let her in is so burned into my head. I just don't understand......I watch children for a living and I could never.....just ever put someone through that. In any case, she realized when sober one day, that she had maybe locked little five year old me out one too many times for it to go unnoticed so she bought me this bear named Angel Bear and I remember every time my mom would get far too plastered and end up in the hospital and every time my mom would get far too plastered and would end up ripping my room apart and calling me selfish and ugly and unwanted and unlovable....I would just cling to this stupid little bear like it meant my mom didn't mean any of it. That she really actually loved me. Honestly, my mom can go die in a fire. I think after a certain point, my mom had passed this boundary with me where something snapped inside and I had no more unconditional love to offer her because she had never offered me any. I used to give and give and give and love just hoping she'd love herself one day but no child can give faith in yourself. You have to be strong enough to give it to yourself. You have to be selfless enough. I think I started to understand and resent my mom for all that she wasn't and therefore resent this little bear. Child logic, I know.
Peanut, my blue elephant, is not my original Peanut. Peanut 1.0 was lost at a concert I went to- my dad's concert. It was kind of a fond memory. I went with my dad to watch him play drums in downtown San Jose at the convention center and I remember just sitting there in the front row in my little dress with my little pigtails, a coloring book, crayons, a purse, and Peanut. When the concert was over, I got up to go see my dad and we walked around. I didn't realize you were supposed to take your things with you when you left your spot and so all my things were stolen. I was distraught. My dad stayed for maybe an extra hour just to look and look and look for Peanut and I remember feeling really....looked after and defended when my dad put that effort in. He and my mom got me a replacement Peanut a few weeks later.....Peanut 2.0.
Peanut, as I often say, is my ideal parent. Actually, he's the closest thing I have TO a parent (don't judge.) He loves me, he listens when I cry, and he just snuggles. There are so many memories I have of just horrendous, not okay things happening at home where I would get yelled at, or assaulted, or punished for absolutely no reason other than "Mommy's an alcoholic and mommy and daddy have a dysfunctional dynamic where you get pit against us and your siblings" and I would just go to my room, shut and lock the door, and cry into Peanut and he was basically all that I had to rely on. Peanut is the one rock I have had in my life and I love him like he's people. It's pretty ridiculous.
Peanut now gives me relationship advice, sits with me when I NEED to eat ice cream, comes with me in the car and sits in the passenger seat when I'm having a rough day, and sleeps with me every night. He also makes appearances at close friends houses. If I love you, you've met Peanut.
11 Rules When Trying to Date a Woman
Okay, boys, I'm going to help you out. I've seen what you've had to offer when it comes to trying to woo a woman and it's pretty fucking appalling. If you're looking to get legitimate with a lady, please read on. Girls, I know you know what I'm talking about.
Rule # 1) When you meet a girl and realize she's all that and a bag of chips, DON'T FUCK AROUND. Don't text her a bunch of nothing every few days. Don't make fun of her in hopes that she'll respond like a 12 year old, tease you too, then tell you she likes you back. Don't try and make her jealous by telling her about all these other girls you're talking to/who you have boned/who want to bone you. Basically, don't leave that bitch unattended. In the real, adult, world- we ask for her number, we CALL her that day, we make plans ON A WEEKEND (not a weekday, because you're going to set legitimate time aside for her and show her some respect) and we follow through.
Rule # 2) Come with good intentions. Don't be acting like you're genuinely interested in what this girl has to offer if all you want from her is a physical relationship. You're better off telling her right off the bat that that's all that you want otherwise she may just cut your dick off when she falls for you and finds out you weren't at all invested.
Rule # 3) Be attentive. Just be mother fucking attentive! Listen to her likes, her dislikes, and do and act on what you've learned. She says she loves foreign films? Take her to one. She said she loves to visit San Fran and she also loves chocolate? Take that bitch to a San Franciscan chocolate shop! People, it's not hard to please a woman. You just have to be listening and care enough to deliver.
Rule # 4) Be around. I cannot tell you how much this bothers me. If you say you're interested, if you say you want to take me on a date- act like it. Make plans with me, follow through, and be around consistently. I would say there's at least an "every other day" rule for this when you're just getting to know a girl. Call her and talk to her for a while, go grab coffee real quick together, go on a morning run together, bring her bagels! Avoid late night contact....which brings me to rule number 5.
Rule #5) Don't call me/text me/FB message me past 8PM if we don't have an established comfortable relationship and you haven't talked to me all day. Just don't. I know what you're doing. I see what you're trying to get. Don't pull the "I'm busy during the day" or "You seem so busy I didn't want to bother you" bullshit card out on me. I'm 20 and I have a smartphone...it's attached to my hand and I'm pretty sure your phone is attached to yours. Contact me at a decent hour and remember I exist during the day because if you only remember I exist at night time, you're thinking you can put me on your booty call list and you cannot.
Rule # 6) Don't get me stuffed animals unless we go to a carnival together. I don't want it. I don't understand it. Yes, I have a stuffed animal. One. I have one for a reason- it's special. I'm not five- I'm a grown ass woman. How about you try flowers next time?
Rule # 7) Be a gentleman. No, better yet, be a MAN. You WILL open doors for me, let me order first, ask me if I'm cold, offer me a drink when I come over, and walk outside of me closest to the cars because that's what you'll do. I'm all for going dutch in relationships but the first three dates- you pay. If it's a crazy expensive adventurous date and you're not rolling in dough- you go dutch for the activities but you pay for the meal. We're adults and you have a job. You have a job..... right?
Rule #8) Be polite not only to your new lady friend but to the people you interact with. This includes strangers, waiters, cab drivers, her friends, your friends...and just everyone, okay? You don't need to chat it up with everyone everywhere you go, but you do need to show that you're a kind, gentle, good person. No woman wants to date someone who's an asshole. It's embarrassing and I don't want to be seen with you.
Rule #9) Always bring her up, never down. It's not okay to poke fun at, tease, raz, or pick on your potential girlfriend. It's not a good sign. She may laugh, it may be fun sometimes, but at some point you're going to say something that strikes a nerve and it's going to be bad. Or, heaven forbid, she gets into the whole teasing thing and she says something YOU don't like. Establish a foundation of trust and respect before you start going at each other, please. A woman wants to hear what you love about her, not what you hate. She deserves that, don't you think?
Rule #10) Kiss her! Don't friend zone yourself. If you go on a real date with her (you called in advance during the day, you asked her to go out on a Friday Saturday or Sunday, you dressed appropriately, you paid, and you had a fabulous time) then chances are she's hoping for an end-of-date kiss before you friend zone yourself. Kisses (and lack there of) are indicative of how you'll be with her. Make it tender, strong, don't linger too long, and for god's sake...don't make it sloppy. Girls like to be romanced- that doesn't mean stay away, that means respect my boundaries and read the signals I'm putting out. Guys always make the first move. It's nice and masculine.
Rule #11) Share. Share your life with her, tell her about you and what you love. Talk about your family, your goals, your dreams. Just share. If you two are compatible, she'll only like you more. I don't want to go into a date feeling like it's a one-woman-show and I've spilled my guts and still know nothing about you. It makes me feel like you don't want to share and you're planning an escape route as I speak.
Rule # 1) When you meet a girl and realize she's all that and a bag of chips, DON'T FUCK AROUND. Don't text her a bunch of nothing every few days. Don't make fun of her in hopes that she'll respond like a 12 year old, tease you too, then tell you she likes you back. Don't try and make her jealous by telling her about all these other girls you're talking to/who you have boned/who want to bone you. Basically, don't leave that bitch unattended. In the real, adult, world- we ask for her number, we CALL her that day, we make plans ON A WEEKEND (not a weekday, because you're going to set legitimate time aside for her and show her some respect) and we follow through.
Rule # 2) Come with good intentions. Don't be acting like you're genuinely interested in what this girl has to offer if all you want from her is a physical relationship. You're better off telling her right off the bat that that's all that you want otherwise she may just cut your dick off when she falls for you and finds out you weren't at all invested.
Rule # 3) Be attentive. Just be mother fucking attentive! Listen to her likes, her dislikes, and do and act on what you've learned. She says she loves foreign films? Take her to one. She said she loves to visit San Fran and she also loves chocolate? Take that bitch to a San Franciscan chocolate shop! People, it's not hard to please a woman. You just have to be listening and care enough to deliver.
Rule # 4) Be around. I cannot tell you how much this bothers me. If you say you're interested, if you say you want to take me on a date- act like it. Make plans with me, follow through, and be around consistently. I would say there's at least an "every other day" rule for this when you're just getting to know a girl. Call her and talk to her for a while, go grab coffee real quick together, go on a morning run together, bring her bagels! Avoid late night contact....which brings me to rule number 5.
Rule #5) Don't call me/text me/FB message me past 8PM if we don't have an established comfortable relationship and you haven't talked to me all day. Just don't. I know what you're doing. I see what you're trying to get. Don't pull the "I'm busy during the day" or "You seem so busy I didn't want to bother you" bullshit card out on me. I'm 20 and I have a smartphone...it's attached to my hand and I'm pretty sure your phone is attached to yours. Contact me at a decent hour and remember I exist during the day because if you only remember I exist at night time, you're thinking you can put me on your booty call list and you cannot.
Rule # 6) Don't get me stuffed animals unless we go to a carnival together. I don't want it. I don't understand it. Yes, I have a stuffed animal. One. I have one for a reason- it's special. I'm not five- I'm a grown ass woman. How about you try flowers next time?
Rule # 7) Be a gentleman. No, better yet, be a MAN. You WILL open doors for me, let me order first, ask me if I'm cold, offer me a drink when I come over, and walk outside of me closest to the cars because that's what you'll do. I'm all for going dutch in relationships but the first three dates- you pay. If it's a crazy expensive adventurous date and you're not rolling in dough- you go dutch for the activities but you pay for the meal. We're adults and you have a job. You have a job..... right?
Rule #8) Be polite not only to your new lady friend but to the people you interact with. This includes strangers, waiters, cab drivers, her friends, your friends...and just everyone, okay? You don't need to chat it up with everyone everywhere you go, but you do need to show that you're a kind, gentle, good person. No woman wants to date someone who's an asshole. It's embarrassing and I don't want to be seen with you.
Rule #9) Always bring her up, never down. It's not okay to poke fun at, tease, raz, or pick on your potential girlfriend. It's not a good sign. She may laugh, it may be fun sometimes, but at some point you're going to say something that strikes a nerve and it's going to be bad. Or, heaven forbid, she gets into the whole teasing thing and she says something YOU don't like. Establish a foundation of trust and respect before you start going at each other, please. A woman wants to hear what you love about her, not what you hate. She deserves that, don't you think?
Rule #10) Kiss her! Don't friend zone yourself. If you go on a real date with her (you called in advance during the day, you asked her to go out on a Friday Saturday or Sunday, you dressed appropriately, you paid, and you had a fabulous time) then chances are she's hoping for an end-of-date kiss before you friend zone yourself. Kisses (and lack there of) are indicative of how you'll be with her. Make it tender, strong, don't linger too long, and for god's sake...don't make it sloppy. Girls like to be romanced- that doesn't mean stay away, that means respect my boundaries and read the signals I'm putting out. Guys always make the first move. It's nice and masculine.
Rule #11) Share. Share your life with her, tell her about you and what you love. Talk about your family, your goals, your dreams. Just share. If you two are compatible, she'll only like you more. I don't want to go into a date feeling like it's a one-woman-show and I've spilled my guts and still know nothing about you. It makes me feel like you don't want to share and you're planning an escape route as I speak.
How Women Perceive Women
I'm not the warmest or the kindest or the most thoughtful. I'm certainly not the most compassionate or the most aware or even the most patient but I'm becoming much more aware of the bad habits we have as women. Because of my recent breakup, I feel like I've entered a new "era." A more confident era. I now realize that I am in fact an attractive woman and I do actually have desirable qualities. I'm strong, I work hard, I'm charming, I'm beautiful, and I try my best to try my best. It's easier to see those things as a single person. Being confident is great and super handy for attracting boys! It's not so great for making and maintaining female relationships....especially at my age. I'm very conscious of how I portray myself. I try my best not to come across as cocky, full of myself, down on myself, too lighthearted, too Debbie-Downer, too materialistic, too deep, too kind, or too harsh. Sometimes, it gets overwhelming and difficult to just "be." I'm sure a lot of women feel this way! It's hard to be honest with people and be able to say "I feel beautiful most of the time, ugly a lot of the time, proud of myself most days, and ashamed some days. I'm happy a lot and I'm sad a lot and I just feel overwhelmed but I fight each and every day." I find that most people don't know how to take me. People like to label me as "too sensitive" or flighty or "dark" but I don't feel like any of those are accurate assessments.
I'm realizing that women receive me better when I'm in a more sad and less confident place. Men receive me better when I'm in a more confident, happy place. This is because happiness is attractive, I think, and the more happy and confident I become, the more attracted men are to me. But unfortunately, even though I try my very hardest NOT to make life a competition and come across as threatening or as if I'm trying to one up my female friends, several women perceive me very negatively now that I feel and behave more confidently. Having girlfriends is important and I need and love them. I love to be that friend who takes you in, supports you, makes you cookies when you're sad, and celebrates you when you're happy. I just love to be the best friend that I can be but I think my excessive effort combined with the way that everyone else perceives my very positive-go-getter-attitude I wear most days tends to scare my girlfriends away? Maybe I'm too honest? Too complimentary? Not attentive enough? Maybe I'm TOO attentive? Maybe I actually do act very competitively? I've admitted on more than one occasion to feeling threatened by my fellow lady-friends. I feel like I'd rather hear someone tell me they feel a little threatened and intimidated (which they shouldn't at all!) then have them just start treating me nastily and throwing me under the bus. I've been getting thrown under the bus a lot lately.
I also think it's really interesting how a few minor changes in appearance totally alters the way strangers treat me. When I go out in glasses, flats, and jeans, people either ignore me or treat me pleasantly. When I'm out in a dress, heels, and my new crazy hairstyle people just flip out on me. Guys are more aggressive and complimentary (of course), girls I don't even know and haven't even made eye contact with will say just AWFUL things about me and I understand the whole dynamic- you're all just saying I look nice today and it makes you uncomfortable. But can we all just be nice and be big enough to say to people, even if they're strangers "You look really amazing today!" instead of "Oh god...here comes Miss America -____-"? I have feelings. I get hurt by what you say and how you perceive me and I think YOU look nice today. I just want to be friends.
I think as women, we need to learn to be more direct. If I don't like you, I'll try to tell you in the most straightforward, non-manipulative way I know how and see if we can improve upon our situation. If I think you're beautiful and just have it going on and you make me feel maybe less than beautiful when I'm around you- I'm going to try to remind myself I'm gorgeous and I have it going on too and treat you with respect and admiration. I'm not going to call you nasty names, randomly disappear on you, and make snide remarks about you to your friends while you're in the room. We owe it to each other to support one another. If you can't do that, please step away.
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