Recognizing Bullshit

    Just this past weekend, I visited my family (probably) one last time. You can read my post soon that talks all about it. I think the easiest way to describe me is probably "hopeful." Maybe even too hopeful. I'm one of those people who expects people to behave rationally and consistently and with compassion. My parents, specifically my mom, don't really possess that whole "rational" or "consistent" or "compassionate" vibe and I'm always disappointed. I think maybe my problem may just be that I'm unable to recognize bullshit.

   My mom, I'm convinced, neither hates nor loves us children and her family. What we are to her are pawns. She manipulates whoever sticks around long enough to get attention and make anyone but her look like a "bad person." I don't believe that she feels remorse or guilt or compassion. She just lives for her own short term goals. Unfortunately, I haven't quite learned how to recognize when she's setting us up for another one of her manipulative mind games. She wrote this nasty (incoherent) email to me the morning after my horrifying family-get together.

"To Tara:

Soon you will be 20. Will you have a degree? Only the cream of the cream get a job. Cute and delusional doesn't work forever. Only family will love you for who you were. Once people see through you,in 5 years,in 10,you will still be a slightly aging,uneducated,unaccomplished,half-white,oddity. How soon my baby boy became 33 and unmarried,bragging about who he was. By that time,we had 2 kids,our 2nd house,and a lovely life. Stare though the fog. Even The Hyenas will move on-and-how much do you really like jazz?? It-is going to school with female students too. They will share his interests and you share his-bed? Sellout. Fail. Nanny for life. Rich people will always have kids. But even they want college -educated nannies. Your up a creek without a Trader Joe. Don't wear out your tires. There is not one Ganguly or Voith  on the planet-or DiGiuseppe or Zeiser,that believes you anymore. You have no family. Do you know why? Because you are a liar. All of us,each one,to some extent,loved you. Over,done. Finished. Goodbye.

So sad."

   After I read this email, I was a little bit hurt. Her mean digs got to me.  "I'm going to amount to nothing, my family hates me, no one is proud of me, I'm so stuck." Then it occurred to me, as it usually does after a good cry- all these emails mean are that my mom is angry. Mostly with herself but also at the fact that she knows I don't really give a shit about her and I don't like her. If anything, it means she wants MY attention. 

   So then I sent her this:


"Helga: Here's what I have to say about all of this mess:

  You're a fat, ugly, selfish, prescription drug addict. You act like a child, you're essentially a retard, socially and functionally. No one likes you. No one likes to be around you. You're verbally abusive, you were physically and sexually abusive and you're just a big fuck up. You know it. You hate yourself so damn much because no one loves you. You don't deserve love. Frankly, you don't deserve to be alive. Where's your success? Where's your "close knit" family? Where's your loving husband? Where's all this respect you MUST have from your family, all your friends, and yourself? You have nothing. Oh, I forgot. You have tons of worthless, hideous collectible shit in your house, foreclosure on your hands, television, and essentially a live in servant you call your husband. Let me ask you this: how often do you get off the couch? How often do you leave your bedroom? How often do you leave the house?

  You're a sad sack of shit and I laugh when I think I came from you. You and I are nothing alike. You live to tear people down because you feel so shitty about yourself. Every day you wake up and think to yourself "How can I make more people cater to me and feel sorry for me? How can I bring others down to make myself feel more powerful? How can I get more attention?" You're a fucking loser. I'm shocked you're even still alive, what with all the "suicide attempts" and, you know, the fact that you barely move, let alone exercise or eat right. You're nasty. People like you serve no purpose. I can say in all honesty- I don't love you, I don't care about your well being, and I don't respect you. I have several mom's in my life but you're not one of them. You're lucky to have Anjuli in your life. She's still scared enough of you or worried enough that she'll somehow become you that she still pays any attention to you. Or maybe she just has to pretend to want to be around you, sort of, so she can spend time with baba. He may be weak and dis loyal, but at least he's pleasant. But even he is a waste of time because he really has no personal opinions or beliefs. He just agrees with whoever's around. Must be great for you!

  You are a rapist. You fondled me, you made out with me, you made me do sexual favors for you, and you insulted me and berated me while you did it. I'm a liar? You're an alcoholic with a fucked up background. It's not your fault? You were raped by your brother? Or so you say sometimes? I believe you were abused, I really do, and I sympathize. But you had no right to have children if you knew you still were fucked up and had issues of your own to tackle. Oh that's right, you have no insight when it comes to you. You just think you fan-fucking tastic. I talked with my cousin, and you know what? She's a lovely person, we get along, and turns out her dad- part of YOUR family- is just as fucked up and sick as you. He  abused his kids, he's an angry mean and nasty person, and he tears down everyone around him. Sound familiar? I'm not the delusional or unhappy or unsuccessful or unlovable one here. It's you and it's always been you and all the hurtful things you say to everyone around you is just a projection of yourself.

  I hope you know that when you die, and I'm sure it'll be coming up soon, I'm not coming to your funeral. It would be dishonest. You mean nothing to me. What you are for me is a stepping stone. You have made me a great, strong, independent and compassionate woman because YOU personally put me through so much shit. You made me grow up fast and learn what NOT to do for my children, to my loved ones, and to my partner. You taught me what NOT to do with my money.

  Let me tell you about me, since you obviously are unclear on who I am. I work four jobs. I'm a nanny , I work at Macy's, I work for a dog business, and I babysit regularly. I am a hard worker and I have a great work ethic. I have ambition. I am a positive person. I save my money and I think about the next steps I'm going to take- career wise, financially, and emotionally. I progress. I have six months worth of rent (Boston rent) saved, health insurance, a vet bill fund, a furniture fund, money for a new laptop for college, a college fund, a plane ticket fund, an emergency fund, and I'm setting up my retirement fund this month. I save. I'm responsible. I make more money than anyone my age. And I am going to go to school. What'd you do at college? You took fucking theater and literature? What do you do with those degrees? You sit at home and read books because you have no friends or life to experience and then you watch TV all day. You watch the history channel, huh? You watch shit for TV and your brain is SHOT. You come off like an illiterate retard when people meet you. Complete strangers find it uncomfortable to be around you because you're so out of it, drugged up, smelly, and depressing as fuck. I've never been around you ONCE where you didn't threaten suicide. What a pathetic life. You should be in jail getting raped by other nasty ass criminals like yourself. If I wanted to, I could put you there for all that you've done. Along with your spineless husband. You try to sit here and tell me I have no worth. That I'm unlovable? That I'm unattractive. That I have no ambition? Bitch, I'm beautiful, ambitious, lovable, and I do things for myself. Not for other people. I love myself and I love others. What do you do?

Don't fuck with me."

   But then she posts shit all over Facebook about how much she loves and worships my sister and how successful her and her boyfriend are and how proud she is of them. And you know what? It HURTS. It makes me so angry to have to admit that I am so beyond jealous that, somehow, in my mom's eyes- my sister is better than me. What did I do wrong? What do I have to do for my own mom to love ME? Just read it.

   "We just spent the weekend sending our daughter Anjuli,off to her new life in Shreveport,La. Stephen is starting his Phd. program at LASU.He earned a full ride and a stipend. Amazing in this economy. Friday,her dad helped with packing and Goodwill runs whill I cooked dinner. Saturday,we both went over and dug in. Dumpsters had a busy day. These 2 are fitting everything in their 2 sub-compacts.What they couldn't sell or give away was dumped. There are some really happy homeless people in Belmont today,LOL. It was really heartwarming to see the few things she did make room for. I spotted the "Cabby Patch" doll I made her when she was little and we couldn't afford a real one but I'd found a kit and bought an antique red velvet jumper and white gauze blouse to dress it in. Pots and pans they threw out. Cabby Patch and Pooh and her ghagra dresses she kept. We went home on Saturday night they said they'd follow us and catch a quick nap. Youthful optimism.When they showed up,they went straight to bed. We were happy to tuck them in, cat and ferret included, knowing they would now be able to drive in a straight line. Today's Anjuli's birthday and they are in Vegas. Happy Birthday sweetheart!"


   Who IS this person? Is she mean and nasty, is she mommy-dearest? Am I just a bad kid, doing things wrong and missing out on my much-craved mom-attention? Oh, that's right. It's all just bullshit. It takes some serious mental and emotional strength from my part to re-direct my thinking and remind myself that she is, in fact, a crazy person and I do much better without her and my family's influence. Why do people like my parents even exist? 


   Needless to say, I was in a somewhat emotional place after my interaction with my mom and her stupid email. Not catatonic, but bummed for sure. I just want to share (because it makes me all warm and fuzzy inside) two lovely emails two of my very awesome Pseudo Moms wrote to my mom. Their like my little support-warriors or something. 

   "When Tara was placed in my class a few years ago, I thought to myself, wow, what an articulate, funny, sweet, caring, talented, stunning young woman. She reached out to other students who were having a difficult time. She had intelligent ideas to contribute to class. She produced great artwork. I was delighted to get to teach this student since she was such a positive addition to our class.

It was only after knowing her for over a year that I learned of her struggles at home. When I began to realize the scope and scale of issues she was dealing with, I was shocked (and impressed) that she had managed to come to school each day, keep up with her challenging classes, and maintain a positive attitude. I wanted to report her case to Child Protective Services, but she had just turned 18 a week before and no longer qualified for their intervention.

I have been an educator for over 20 years. It is my personal and professional opinion that a parent’s number one responsibility must always be to love and protect one’s child. The things Tara has had to endure while under your “care” are horrific. And the failure of Tara’s father to remove his children from this abusive nightmare makes him just as guilty in my mind.

In case you feel Tara has misrepresented you, let me say this, I have personally read a few of your emails/texts/facebook posts to Tara (your own words). You manage to say more toxic and cruel statements in one paragraph than my mother has said to me in a lifetime. Even during my most awkward, scrawny, pimply-faced, teenaged years, my mother made me feel beautiful. She still tells me regularly. When I didn’t know what to do with my life, she made me feel like I could do anything. Her love and support has been unwavering. That love and consistency has been the solid foundation on which I have built my life.

So, even if I knew none of the history between you and Tara, other than what I gleaned from your writings, I would know that you are cruel. When Tara tells me what she had to endure, I believe her because she has always been straight with me, her stories have been consistent, and your own toxic writings tell me that there is something going on under your roof that is horribly disturbing.

I wish you and your daughter didn’t have this terrifying, dysfunctional history, because if you could see her as a loving mother would, you would be so proud of her. I have worked with over 3000 children. Tara is one of the most resilient, tough, determined, responsible people I know.

The silver lining to the dark cloud of Tara’s childhood is that I get to have this amazing young woman in my life. Tara is family to me and I know the Heyengas feel the same way. How lucky for us that we get this strong, fun, talented, charming, hardworking, smart, fierce person in our worlds.

I recognize that you are incapable of having a loving, healthy relationship with Tara, so I would like to ask you politely to leave her alone. After all she has been through, it seems only fair that she be given a fresh start and an opportunity to heal."

"Helga -- Why do you continue to harangue Tara with these at-best obnoxious and pathetic, probably intended to be evil emails telling her what a loser she is??.   GIven where you are in your life, and what a failure of a life it appears to be, you have no soapbox to stand on, no high horse to look down from.  You don't model ANY good behavior as a mother or female figure.  You have defnitely taught her what NOT to do or behave like, so there is that.    What are you doing with your college degree?   what important and exciting work are you doing?  do you exercise daily?  do you eat thoughtfully and carefully?   did you raise your kids well or do they all have major issues with you?    You have a lot of nerve throwing this stuff at Tara when your own house is in such disrepair.  Could you support yourself if your husband came to his sense

 

Tara is going to Boston in part because of Ethan of course, but also because she wants to be brave enough to learn a new and exciting city and grow as a person.  She will definitely go to college, and while we don't have much money we will help her out a bit as best we can.   I don't think young women attach themselves to college jazz musicians thinking she will be rich and have a free pass.   I am quite sure Tara is aware that Ethan will meet girls in college -- just as Tara will meet guys (men find her extremely beautiful and flirt with her a lot, and to her credit she doesn't buy into it because she has a boyfriend and doesn't play those games to boost her self-esteem).  They are young and may well "take a break" or not last as partners.  If they are meant to be together it will happen.  Ethan and Tara both know that Tara is part of our family now regardless of their status as boyfriend & girlfriend.  They have a strong friendship and the "worst case" scenario is that they become friends and family, and ensure their mutual partners like each other so that they will both have richer lives with more people to "connect the dots" should their romance end, as will Tom and myself.      Either way our circle of family and people we love grows.   How is your family growing?  been getting visits from your baby boy much?  does he call just to say hello because he enjoys chatting with you?

 

You have been such a toxic influence to Tara, but you don't hold power over anyone outside of your family.  You are able to prey on small children and now that Tara has seen how healthy people live, that daily life can be constant and fun and supportive and normal, there is no going back for her.   You did your best to break her but she is strong and smart and you were not able to break her spirit.  She can heal and have a positive life.  

 

I feel sorry for you because you will never have those things, and did not get the help you desperately and clearly needed to make yourself emotionally well when it was a possibility.

 

I don't know why Tara reads your emails frankly.... but expect at some point she will put a block on them or just delete them without reading them."

   After I read their emails, I got this super awesome vision of hundreds of emails from all sorts of people being sent to my mom about how lame she is. And it made me happy. And then I thought about egging her! It's mature, I know. 

   

A Letter From my Mom

To Tara:

Soon you will be 20. Will you have a degree? Only the cream of the cream get a job. Cute and delusional doesn't work forever. Only family will love you for who you were. Once people see through you,in 5 years,in 10,you will still be a slightly aging,uneducated,unaccomplished,half-white,oddity. How soon my baby boy became 33 and unmarried,bragging about who he was. By that time,we had 2 kids,our 2nd house,and a lovely life. Stare though the fog. Even The Hyenas will move on-and-how much do you really like jazz?? It-is going to school with female students too. They will share his interests and you share his-bed? Sellout. Fail. Nanny for life. Rich people will always have kids. But even they want college -educated nannies. Your up a creek without a Trader Joe. Don't wear out your tires. There is not one Ganguly or Voith  on the planet-or DiGiuseppe or Zeiser,that believes you anymore. You have no family. Do you know why? Because you are a liar. All of us,each one,to some extent,loved you. Over,done. Finished. Goodbye.

So sad.

Aspects of a Mom

    Yesterday was Mother's Day, and I have some bitter-sweet feelings. My mom and I aren't on speaking terms and I have to say, I'm glad. I'll admit, I checked her Facebook to see if she was missing her children, doing something special with my brother or sister maybe, but I didn't see any signs of celebration. For a moment, I felt sad and incredibly guilty. I even thought about driving out to see her and wish her a Happy Mother's Day, but I quickly decided against it.


   I think Mother's Day is a fantastic idea. Great mom's should be celebrated. I think they should be spoiled, and snuggled, and showered with love every day, especially on Mother's Day. But let's face it, not all mom's deserve a "celebration." My mom's favorite phrases are, "kill me now" and "nobody loves me" and she often liked to tell me how she miscarried two children and one of them should have been me. She also was wildly inconsistent, was an angry drunk, molested me, and to this day, makes me feel less than deserving of anything when I'm around her. It's no secret that I find next to nothing about my mom "mother like" and ever since I was small, I always wished for someone different to come along and snatch me up.


   I ended up spending the day honestly feeling pretty sad. It felt like a day meant to remind me of all the things my mom wasn't and all the things I wish I had gotten from her emotionally. Although I recognize I deserve better than what she could give me, it still sucks knowing I have to avoid my own mom to protect myself. 


   Over the past year and a half, I have lost my entire family. (No, they didn't die.) But, because of my actions-my decision to move away unexpectedly and leave my parent's toxic house, I am now labeled "the dysfunctional, unhappy, misguided, dishonest one."My dad often says to me, "We're not interested in seeing you until the 'old-Tara' is back." Or sometimes he tells me how Ethan's family (the family that's taken me in and showed me what it means to be a family) has brainwashed me.


   I don't want the "old-Tara" back. She was a scared, low-self-esteem, suicidal girl. I like me now. So why don't my parents? Why doesn't my family like independent, happy me? 


   Well, I don't have the answers to those things and I'm really not brave enough to tell them this is who I am and they should love me for it. But, what I have decided is that my biological mom doesn't deserve the title "mom" anymore. I'm taking it from her. All she is, is my past. And I'm glad to leave her behind.


Aspects of a Mom


   Since I left my parents' home, I've realized there are A LOT of great moms out there! Moms who have enough love in their hearts to share with children who may not be related to them biologically, but who are just as related to them emotionally as their own children. A lot of the women I hang out with today and go to for advice possess aspects of a mom that I've always wished for and needed. 


Here are a few shout outs to my much loved mamas who shape me today: 


Elizabeth: You've given me a stable home, consistency, a home for my crazy kitty cat, and all the love I could ever ask for. You're beyond wise, incredibly patient, and you put up with my lack of dish-washing (just like a real mom!) You accept my flaws, cherish my strengths, and guide me every day. You've helped me heal over the past year and a half and you've taught me what it means to be part of a fierce family. I love you and you'll always be a big part of my life.

Laura: You got me out of a bad place and into a wonderful one. You pushed me through tough times, held my hand when I needed it, and never failed to tell me what makes me great, even when I felt like I was anything but. You make me grilled cheese, invite me into your super cozy adorable home, make me nests (literal and otherwise) and accept my flaws. You saved me in so many ways and I am so grateful to you. Sometimes, I wish I had that time machine so you could snatch me up and we could do life together, Mathilda style. Sometimes, I'm sad you aren't my mama. I'm lucky to have you and your wonderfully big heart in my life.

Pam: We've had our struggles and you're not always my biggest fan, and though you probably will never read this, you've taught me that it's okay to pamper myself and put myself first sometimes. You've taught me how to have girly fun and be a Starbucks-snob. You've taught me how to feel fabulous and empowered. When it comes to learning how to empower yourself after years of constantly putting yourself and your needs in the back seat, you know what you're doing. I'm proud of what you've done for yourself and I'm happy to have had you around.

Marta: You were around as often, if not more as my mom when I was a kid. I think you always knew something was wrong in my household and you took me in and practically raised me. A lot of my really great childhood memories come from times at your house and being around you. You were my snuggly mom when I didn't have one. You were my shoulder to cry on. You were often my rock and stability when I had no one to turn to and nowhere to go. I love your eternal hopefulness, your incredible work ethic, your creativeness, your compassion, your acceptance, your snuggliness, your love of animals, and how you always watch home improvement shows. I remember, when I was little, sometimes I would just sit with you and watch with you. I remember it was always so relaxing and comforting to me, no matter how simple it was to me. You took me for ice cream with your children, brought me on family vacations, and treated me like one of your own. I still feel safe and at ease when I'm around you. You're an inspiration.

Anjuli: We don't talk now and I'm pretty sure you think I'm a failure or at least selfish but when I needed you, you were there. You were my role model when I was young and you taught me what compassion was. You were the glue to our family and you protected me with a fierceness I've never seen in anyone else. You taught me right from wrong. You were my mom when I was little and I was always so proud to have you around. The way you've grown and made your life, just, so positive makes me feel so hopeful and happy for people who come from trying backgrounds. I love the way you love your kitty, how committed you are, how passionate you are, how professional you are, your goofy smile, your silly dances, your sense of humor, how we have similar birth marks, and how much everyone loves you. You're the most beautiful person I know and you are my sister. I love you and I miss you.

Sex+Sexual Abuse: A Survivor's Story- Anonymous (Female)

This was a story sent into me. To send your story, email me at stargee@me.com

   Fortunately enough, I have always had a very close relationship with my mother. She has always been someone I can tell anything to.

   I remember coming home from school one day, and asking my mom what a "virgin" was because some kid on the playground asked me if I was one (and thinking it was some sort of name-calling) I said no. Next thing I knew, the whole class was laughing at me and I had no clue why. So she had the sex talk with me and I was somewhat aware of what it was after the said discussion.

   Several weeks later, a family friend was babysitting me and decided to abuse me. Fortunately, that talk I had several weeks earlier, came in handy. I knew SOMETHING was wrong, but didn't exactly know what to do. I hid in the family friend's bedroom and got on the phone when he asked me to take off my clothes. I called my mom and she told me to put him on the phone. I remember walking to him and he talked to my mom. He told her exactly what he was doing and how he felt that there was nothing wrong with watching pornography and masturbating in front of a 10 year old.

   He eventually finished up what he was doing...with himself, and took me home. When he took me home, I remember my mom crying and freaking out. She called the police and they actually arrested him later on that day. I remember spending lots of time talking to police officers, school psychologists, etc. It turned out that he had been sexually abused as a child, and had actually molested his own children as well. He spent 6 months in jail and I'm not sure what happened to him after that.

   The key to healing for me was being able to talk about it right after it happened. I count myself lucky that I was immediately able to open up about what had happened because I knew it was wrong somehow at that age. I spent lots of time in therapy, I think my mom was scared I was going to have a lot of problems for the rest of my life because of it. Art therapy always helped me through it. I had this awesome therapist for a year who asked me to draw everything, every thought, emotion, dream, etc. It really got everything out.

   When I entered high school and I started liking guys, I didn't know how I would deal with sex or relationships in general. My first "boyfriend" asked me out and I freaked out about the thought of even kissing, so I ended things two days later. I realized, then, that it was time to go back to therapy to deal with this situation that I thought I had taken care of in the past.

   Eventually I worked through the anxiety of relationships and the thought of any kind of sexual situation. I just knew that I was going to have to wait a long time until I was "ready." So I waited...and waited...and finally met someone I was comfortable with in late high school. He was willing to wait and deal with my anxiety, insecurities, emotions, everything, for 2 1/2 years, until I was ready for anything sexual. It was great, and even though that relationship never worked out past early college, it still meant a lot that someone was willing to wait for me that long. I think once I got through the first relationship, the anxiety of relationship stuff actually didn't scare me anymore and since then I've been pretty much fine. I've always been open about the molestation as well, in all my relationships, and most guys have taken it pretty well. I haven't had any of them running in the other direction (for that reason anyway), so it gave me a lot more confidence.

   All in all my key to healing was communication. Lots of communication about the situation, and lots of therapy...and just waiting for time to pass.