I'm Kinda Dating an Emotional Virgin

   I've been accidentally dating this guy for close to 9 months and now I think I may really like him. The problem is, he started out as a rebound 3 weeks after I moved back from breakup-Boston and now I'm needing to adjust my frame of mind around him and us. I don't know if I've properly healed from my breakup, I don't feel very "finished" as a product/person, and he's kind of an emotional virgin. I feel like, to grossly simplify things, I come from a dark creepy horror-scene of a forest and my strengths are things like being analytical and aware and deep and emotional and he comes from a gingerbread house, complete with chirping birds and visiting grandmas and his strengths are things like......being young and not caring about what other people think. In a way, he forces me not to take myself so seriously. But I take myself so seriously! I get so wrapped up in worrying about what people might think (because not everyone is his biggest fan). I worry about what my ex's parents think (they don't like him so much and I live with them! Can't step on anyone's toes!) I KNOW my parents would hate him but who cares about them. Lots of my friends.....well used to be his friend before I was and they are no longer fans of his. I like dating people who are able to just blend and mesh and get along with everyone without upsetting anyone. But he makes me laugh, cheers me up accidentally, and treats me like an equal-not a cripple. He moves heaven and earth for me and genuinely loves to spend time with me. He calls me "beautiful" every chance he gets and I think he means it. He listens to me and TRIES every time I ask for something different from him. I think he'd be happy to get the best OR the worst of me. He admits (most) of his faults and never "punishes" me for the mistakes I make. He knows how to say sorry. He incorporates me in anything he does. He never brings me down. He knows how to defend himself AND me. He grows and I kinda love it.

   Here's the age old question: As someone who comes from abuse and a dark past, do you date someone who comes from a similarly messed up past or do you date someone who has come out relatively unscathed by life? Date someone who's damaged- drown together/better support each other with a deeper understanding. Date someone who's all whole and naive- feel alone in your problems and feel like the "difficult" one/have someone with more energy to pick you up or stand by you when you're struggling. I haven't figured it out yet. I lean towards dating older guys with similar pasts but I tend to end up with younger guys who have not one clue how to even approach the most basic of issues I struggle with.

   I live in fear of commitment. Let's be honest, I did the commitment thing, as I often do- moved in with my boyfriend, then moved all the way out to Boston for him and his dreams and talked about marriage, and I got burned. I can admit, I'm a tough person to be with. I'm bossy, I'm emotional, I'm not always very consistent, I run away a lot, and I'm apparently a TERRIBLE communicator (says everyone I date.) I love to love and nurture but apparently I'm even better at neglecting my romantic partners. Believe you me, I will push you to your limits and then some. So dating worries me because once we arrive at this point in our relationship where I FINALLY decide to let my walls down enough to say "I like you," then there's this whole other very elaborate song and dance where I constantly am in a state of panic. "Will you eventually leave me?" "How am I supposed to trust you?" "Are you cheating on me?" "Of course you're cheating on me because you secretly hate me. You never actually liked me at all, did you?!" And then I work myself into a crazy tizzy. I don't trust people. I don't respect people because I'm always afraid they don't respect me. I always assume things are temporary so I never get to a point where I mellow out and enjoy the person I'm with. Obviously, I'm hoping to work on those things and I hope I've improved over the years, but past and current relationships tell me I have quite a ways to go. I just hope I don't break this boy.

7 Rules for Living With Your Ex-Boyfriend

Now, I know most of you out there (luckily) will never have to live with your ex-boyfriend/girlfriend but here's a few facts about what it's like. I'm sure you'll have a laugh or two. I know I didn't.

1) Remember to act like you feel AWESOME. Wear your highest heels. Put on your favorite perfume. Dress like you're getting laid EVERY DAY! Do squats and pushups real fast before he comes home. Casually toss your hair like you ooze sex appeal and have not ONE worry in the world. Strut yo' stuff.

2) Remind yourself he is your EX boyfriend for a reason. Sure he smells great, looks better than he did before, and for some stupid ass reason walks around the house shirtless. He still forgets to flush, makes you insecure because he's insecure, and is boring as all hell. Remember that bigger and better things await you and you don't need to be taking steps backwards just because he's presenting his best self.

3) Cry very quietly when your ex is within earshot! I learned this the hard way. Getting caught sobbing over what used to be and could have been is rather embarrassing. Especially when he requests you quiet down so he can call his new girlfriend....

4) For God's sake, don't stay in. Living with your ex-boyfriend is a total mind fuck. All of the sudden you think you wish he'd notice you, you start hoping he'll engage in conversation with you. Maybe he'll say you look pretty today! Maybe you'll have some sort of movie moment where he catches a glimpse of you out of the corner of his eye and he walks up to you, grabs you, and gives you the most firework-y kiss of your life and says something like, "I made a mistake. I don't want her. I want you. It's always been you. Please take me back!" Psshtt.....Woman, not only are you dreaming, but you're setting yourself up for several teary-eyed dates with Ben & Jerry's because if he didn't know you were the one when you were together, he's certainly not going to come to the realization now. Remember, he's not the one who doesn't want you back. YOU don't want HIM back! Go out, have some fun, have a good cry in your car, and surround yourself with people who CURRENTLY know how to appreciate a good woman when they have one.

5) Feel free to make fun of your ex as much as you want. Go for it! Have fun, I know I do. Okay, be fair and appropriate and don't make it a habit but confide in a close girlfriend or two and laugh at that poor boy's expense. Come on, it'll make you feel better.

6)  Be honest with yourself. Being around an ex boyfriend can make you feel all sorts of things. Some of those feelings are valid, and some of those are feelings that have been created because of the environment you're in. Yes, you probably miss parts of his personality and some of what you two were like as a couple but was it really as glamorous as you're making it out to be now that you're broken up? Odds are, he wasn't all that and a bag of chips and you're probably relieved to be moving on. Keep moving on!

7) Try not to live with your ex boyfriend. It sucks.

Bound to be Crazy

Holiday Greetings All,

   Sometimes, I assess my life and all the "parts" that make up me and I feel like there's no way I'm NOT cukoo-for-cocoa puffs, or at least bound to be. My life is messy, largely in part by choice. I still rent from my ex-love's parents, I'm still estranged from my parents, I still beat myself up every day, and I'm still a roller coaster of "will" and "won't." Yes, I will try. No, I won't get past this. Yes, I will come out on top. No, I won't make it through today. Yes, I will repair myself. No, I won't ever be proud of what I've become. Yes, I will find peace. No, I'll never figure out how to love and be loved.

   Sometimes, I get so wrapped up in analyzing, re-analyzing, and over-analyzing who I am and how I react to things and I end up getting, just, so sick of myself! I can't imagine how the people around me manage to be around me! I'm bossy, demanding, and unappreciative. I'm the opposite of fun. I'm a people repellent. Then I feel stupid for saying such negative things. I'm a million miles a minute.

  I made it through the holidays...I think? Worse for wear. I cried all through Christmas day. I cried all through my birthday. I watched my ex boyfriend be happy and functional in his new found relationship. It made me feel embarrassed about myself and how far I...maybe haven't come. I just spent the majority of December in tears and I don't know why I do it to myself. Being rejected by my family still gets me every time and I feel dumb for not being able to accept that I am without family. But then I think, "Well why am I alone? Maybe it's me. Of course it's me. What have I done?"

   The holidays and my birthday turns me into the biggest brat. I don't know how to be grateful. I don't know how to be quietly giving. I don't know how to "go with the flow." I need order, attendance, and timeliness around the holidays and my birthday. I need smiles, compliments, and meaningful gestures. I need and undying, unlimited amount of love. And it still ends up leaving me feeling empty and unseen, come Christmas morning. I have so much back-tracking, and making up for what I didn't have I still feel like I need to do. I just need so much. Too much?

   I feel like parents give you the tools to develop healthy relationships, plan well for yourself, and they teach you how to be one of your biggest support systems.....Healthy parents anyway. Growing up, I don't think I ever once saw my mom support herself. She had no confidence. She wasn't ever happy. And she never truly understood what it felt like and meant to be loved. I didn't grow up with any of the right kind of modeling and I certainly never really felt supported. My mom used to take pictures of my tears, amplify my failures, and remind me why friends and boyfriends must have chosen to leave me. I fight really hard to be positive and supportive of myself and others but sometimes I feel like the behavior that was modeled to me as a child sticks and I get a little nasty and pretty negative when I really just need someone to step in and be my support system.