Dysfunction and Rebuilding: Ruining Children

I'm a nanny. I work with children. I LOVE kids. Well, part of me does. They're great when they love you back, snuggle up close, or learn new things but they scare the he'll out of me when they kick and scream, tell me who's boss, or have any sort of tantrum. Children overwhelm me sometimes. I internalize what people say, and little people do not have sensors.

Not only do children overwhelm me, I overwhelm myself when I'm around kids or think about having kids of my own! What if I screw them up? What if I say the wrong thing? What was I supposed to say in that meaningful pep talk about failure or boys or doing the right thing? What if I was too strict, or inappropriate, or took my issues out on this little precious innocent being? What if I don't like kids, I just think I do? Am I too selfish to nurture children?

What if I hurt them?

I notice a lot of women who come from sexual abuse, dysfunctional families, or have just generally been abused feel the way I do. They love and want children and children play an important role in their lives, but they're afraid they're too screwed up to love their own child. I often wonder if I'll turn into my mom if and when I have a baby. Am I more like her now than I care to think? When you damage a child, it's too late to go back and rethink your parenting style, or whether or not you're even prepared for one.

Now let's step back. So having a child is far into the future when you're nineteen and not trying to have a baby. Besides, not everyone has children. Its not a written law. But the skills that go along with raising a child are still so, so important. Being selfless, planning ahead with someone else in mind, being patient, being maternal, being loving, being a good example. So many aspects of being a strong, loving mom apply to being a strong, loving person (which is what I strive to be). Am I those things? Will I ever be those things? If I appear to be those things, is it genuine?

I work with children and I often think to myself- what did I get myself into?! I suck at this job. Kids hurt my feelings, they bring up bad memories of my own childhood, I find myself feeling jealous when a child I know and care for gets better treatment than I did, whether it be because their parent doesn't treat me well or my parents didn't treat me as well as their parents treat them and I feel as though I've missed out big time.... I'm a mess! I over react when a child "defies" me and tells me one thing and does another (as preteens often do). My expectations are too high and inappropriate for the kids ages and abilities. I take things personally. And I hold grudges. When I'm in new babysitting-territory and things get tough and foreign- my default reaction is to act the way my parents would have reacted if that child was me. I know that default is wrong, I try to correct it, but I see myself making the same mistakes over and over again. Am I improving? Does it getting better with age? Will it be different if thats my own child? Am I normal? Will I ever learn? How can people let me be around them when I'm so damn toxic? These are the question I have.

Then there's genetics. Now I don't know if I always but the whole nature over nurture thing- I'm definitely a "it's all about nurture and how you were raised" kind of person but....I have to say. My genes are pretty fucked up! We have a lot of crazy, emotional, depressed, angry, addictive personalities in my family. Is that because of how we were all raised or is there something to be said for my crazy ass genes? If so- I sure as fuck don't want to be passing that on. So then adoption? That's a whole NEW can of worms.

Oh boy, is all I can say. Thank god I have time to think it out and get my shit together.

The Official Unveiling of "Feeling Young and Being Grown"

 Hey everybody!

   I want to start off by saying thank you for stopping by my blog and supporting me! I'm really excited about working on putting some of what I have to say and ask into words. As you can see, the site is already "officially" up but I'll have 10 clickable-pages and a few articles up by Friday the Thirteenth of May (I know, funny to pick Friday the Thirteenth of all days!)

   You can go ahead and read 1 of 10 pages to be posted now, entitled "Admitting Who I Am." Just go to the very top of the page and click!

Here's what's coming up:

Admitting Who I Am
Being honest about all that I am, where I come from, and what I want to work on


Getting Fit and Less Obsessed
Tips, recipes, routines, and habits for getting in shape while avoiding making it all you're about and hating yourself before you get there


When Working With Children (and Their Parents)
My experiences nannying and babysitting and how to figure out what to charge, how to bond with the kids you work with, and how to stay on the parents' good sides


Chic for Cheap
Places to go, things to think about, and what to buy or make for your home


Sex+Sexual Abuse
My experiences with healing from sexual abuse,how to go about sex now that you're an adult, and advice for those with loved ones who are survivors


Professional and Emotional
Learning how to be professional while emotional, tricks for reducing your stress and worries when it comes to work, and how to tell good fit from a bad fit when decided whether or not to quit


What Works for You
Tune ups for yourself and how to treat yourself well


Dysfunction and Rebuilding
How to break the cycle of dysfunction, recognizing your own patterns you share with your dysfunctional family, building self-worth, and what re-parenting is all about


Relationships: Tips, Signs, Quotes, and Stories
Collaborative advice on how to have a happy, healthy relationship.


The Money Diet
Being independent, being an "over compensator" when it comes to spending, learning when, what, and how to save, and learning how to stop letting money control you.