(My favorite picture of my dad. It's of him with my brother)
There were a lot of bad times for me as a kid, but part of letting go and moving on is recognizing that there were some good times too, and potentially, I was loved. (I still don't really know, though....)
FYI: I haven't completely moved on OR let go. I don't forgive my parents.
The Good Times
- One of my favorite places to go in the whole wide world is to a tide pool. Any tide pool. I have a really vivid, really powerful memory of my mom dad and I going out to this beach in Washington with black stones instead of sand and lots of amazing, breath taking creatures out in the water, clinging to the mossy (or something else?) rocks. My dad would take my hand, walk carefully with me over the big rocks, and show me all the creatures in the water and tell me all about them. He's a really smart science-guy. He showed me that when you put your hand near a sea anemone, they close up and feel really cool. I felt so safe and so loved and so in awe. I'll never forget that.
- One time, there was an earthquake I think in Washington-nothing too big. I was on the "potty" and I....well I fell in. There I was, stuck inside a toilet, pants down, legs and arms flailing. There was a quiet pause after the earthquake and my dad shouted out to ask if everyone was okay. "I fell in!" I shouted. He came in and got me out and didn't tease me. It's a really funny memory I like to tell often.
- One time, I got my head stuck between two wooden railings when I was probably 4 and my mom found me and got me out with butter and gave me kisses and cuddles.
- One time, my parents had tons of bubble wrap and they laid it all out in the hall at our house in Washington. My sister and I jumped on it and giggled for what felt like hours.
- I wore ankle bracelets with bells, like most Indian kids do so that parents can keep track of their kids wherever they are in the house, and sometimes I used to play with my mom. I'd go hide, hoping she'd catch me. Which she always did. I'd always give myself away with a giggle or little jingle and the pitter patter of my excited feet. She'd always giggle too when she found me.
- My mom wears bangles on her arms, always, and I always knew where my mom was because they were so jingly. In a store, in the backyard, around the house, at school...It always made me so happy. Now, I just get scared and shut down when I hear anything that sounds similar.
- When I was being potty trained, my family would stand outside the door and clap for me when I used the potty. After my dad would go to the bathroom, I'd always stand outside the door and clap for him. My family thought it was really cute and tell the story often.
- My dad can't really cook anything except sunny side up eggs and this thing called Keema. I always eat sunny side up eggs when I'm sad and I miss his Keema a lot. I'm an emotional eater.
- My mom sometimes made me this thing called "milk rice" that had rice, milk, cocoa powder, and sugar-for when I was sick. I don't know that I really liked the taste but I always ate it all up because it was such a maternal thing for her to do.
- My dad used to take me to Mcdonalds sometimes as a special treat and we'd talk forever. He'd ask me how my day was and how I was feeling.
- I always went grocery shopping with my dad. It was my favorite time of the day. We always got to talk.
- My dad sometimes, when I was older, would take me to Starbucks before school or after school. It was his special treat for me and our special bonding time as I got older. Starbucks and going to Starbucks with friends always makes me feel fantastic and snuggly. I still ask my dad to coffee now, to talk and bond, but he always says no.
- One time, when we had just moved in to our house in California, my brother was sitting with me and helping me count my coins. I'd sit in his lap and we'd just count. That's all I remember but I loved it.
- In our old house in Washington, my brother would flip me upside down and carry me all around the house and show me what things looked like upside down. It was so fun.
- I used to watch my brother play video games. He was the coolest and the best at all video games.
- My sister used to pick me up from school- middle school mostly- in her blue Beetle and she'd roll up with blasting music, dancing away. I would always feel SO cool and so lucky to get to be around her and have her as my sister. I loved when she took my friends home too so they could see she was related to me. I still feel most confident when I'm rolling down the streets in my car with the windows down and the music blasting.
- My brother's always been really supportive of my art. It makes me feel guilty that I don't make more art because maybe then we'd talk more.
- My sister liked to have dance parties with me sometimes. I still have dance parties by myself, or sometimes with Ethan when I'm really sad or really happy. We love it.
- My dad LOVES Hot Cheetos. I introduced them to him. We'd eat a whole bag up together while I'd sit in his study and do work next to him. I eat Hot Cheetos way too much now when I miss my dad. (I have a bag in my car right now)
- My mom makes, or used to make, kick ass Indian food and I miss it all the time. It smelled great and made me feel at home. (See?! I'm an emotional eater!) I didn't like it when she made it while she was drunk though. It tasted gross and my dad always said it "wasn't made with love" so we would never eat it.
- My brother got me this gift when I probably turned four? It was a green, pink, and yellow plastic toy called a "bumble bee." It has these knobs on it and it shakes all around. If I still had that toy, I would play with it. No lie.
