Getting Fit and Less Obsessed: Monday, July 4th, 2011 (Beginning Week 8)

Hey, guys!

   Sorry I haven't posted my progress the past several weeks. It's always something- a trip to San Diego or a super big breakfast before I was supposed to shoot some pics and a "I'll do it later today"! I'll switch up the format since I've been doing things a little bit differently. The past 3 or 4 weeks, I've been focussing on just doing heavy duty hilly walks with toning exercises afterwards. I do this 5 mile loop with a good friend of mine and we stop at a park and do an hours worth of sprints, ab exercises, punches and kicks, squats, and other toning exercises. It seems to be helping a little bit but I still feel really discouraged about how slowly the process is going. I see little improvements- my butt is more toned and not so saggy, my thighs feel more muscular, my tummy is a little more firm- but I still feel like a gross size and I notice when I put old clothing on that I haven't worn in a while- I just don't fit anymore. Quite saddening! I'm trying to learn how to both be kinder to myself AND more consistent and hard working. These are things that are hard for me! I guess fitness is a life time process and being healthy is a lifestyle- not a timed program. I'm trying to just work on being more and more consistent and I'm better about working out MORE often (though I skip or half ass my workouts semi-frequently) but I'm still terrible about eating right. I'll eat healthy most of the day, but then I'll snag a coffee and some ice cream, or some chocolate milk and a donut, or a whole 2,000 calorie bag of hot cheetos. I notice the more strict I am with myself, the more unhealthy things I binge on. I'm going to have to find a balance because when I'm too tough on myself, I get emotional. When I get emotional, I over-eat. When I over-eat, I beat myself up about it. It's a nasty cycle. (Didn't weigh myself today! Forgot to hop on the scale before I did breakfast and all that jazz.) 

Self Assessment

 
 I've been doing a lot of thinking. I have my big move coming up (Boston, MA with the boyfriend!) and I am quaking in my boots, my friends. I'm so beyond stoked and so beyond ready to bail. I think that's kind of the way I tend to be about everything. I'm always all in or all out. I love Ethan, I love adventure, and I need a change, but boy is change scary.

   After a brief visit with my parents, I realized several things about myself. As hard and as far as I run from what I recognize as my parents or what my parents do, I'll never be able to stop. We have so many tendencies in common, I've lost count. Every time I meet with my mom or dad, I find new things I hate about them that I hate about myself (and didn't even realize).

   I'm brave, I'm a fighter, I'm ambitious. I'm beautiful, resilient, and I'm smart. But boy am I stubborn. Boy, am I a quitter. I shoot for the moon and end up in the water 9 times out of 10. I want things but I don't always know how to do the work to get those things. Most of the time, I don't even recognize my bad behavior. I can be mean, manipulative, sneaky, and hurtful and have no idea that all I'm doing is projecting my insecurities and mimicking my mom's bad behavior. You wouldn't know it, but I'm a really angry person. I piss and moan and judge people all day. In my head. Somehow, I thought saying those things in private or to myself meant I was a kinder, more thoughtful person. It just, unfortunately, makes me dishonest in addition to unkind and thoughtless.

   I often do the opposite of what I say. I'm on a diet. I eat ice cream and hot cheetos. I believe in fitness. I stay home and take a nap instead of my planned workout. I believe in being on time. I'm always late to everything. I believe in financial responsibility and saving. I make quick, ill planned purchases often. I believe in being compassionate and loving. I'm withholding and I take more than I give. These are the things I have to work on but I find my list growing! Realizing I have all of these fundamental, big things to be working on right before making the big leap in commitment (financially and romantically) by moving is so overwhelming to me, I don't think I can even explain. It's like I feel as though...if I don't fix all that's wrong with me now, in addition to my relationship, my financial status, and perhaps even my family relationships, they'll never get fixed and I'll end up some repeated version of all the bad aspects of my family.

   Maybe my main goal in Boston is to find a great therapist.