Sex+Sexual Abuse: Obsessively Compulsive

   I hate mess. I hate, hate, hate it! I hate dirty bathrooms, unwashed laundry, messy piles, dusty rooms, un-vacuumed areas, and clutter. I hate dirt feet touching my bed, messy hand writing, and things that aren't color coded. Some days I'm better than others but if I'm having a high stress day or I'm in an emotional, sad place and I come home to my room being a mess (even if I made the mess) I flip out. It makes me anxious and angry and itchy and I feel unclean. I feel trapped.

  It took me a while, I think, to either become this way or realize I felt more at ease when things were neat and organized. I recognize that it's a function of control....or maybe being controlling. My boyfriend knows if I come home and I have this certain look on my face, like, "Holy shit, a train may as well have run me over because I feel awful today," that I'm going to start getting antsy and upset if I don't clean my room and cuddle, STAT. I don't know if this is something I should work on or something I should learn to accept or tone down or whether I just need to be more organized in general? It's like I have two people inside of me, sometimes. I have this messy, inconsistent, forgets-to-do-things-all-the-time little being inside me, and then this super clean, super organized, super on top of everything person inside me and they're CONSTANTLY fighting.

  I wonder if it comes from the fact that I was sexually abused. Or maybe just the abuse in general. I hear from people that, once you go through abused, in some way or another you have issues with control and constantly feeling like you lack control. This totally applies to me! I've always been a slightly bossy, things-on-my-terms kind of girl and I think it's good for me at this stage in my life. I need to know that I rule my own life and my own personal space and I do. Sometimes I think my neat-freak tendencies come from the fact that my mom was always so damn messy and collected so much crap and was essentially a hoarder. (Think those shows where cats get crushed under all the random ebay shit and tissues!) Maybe it wasn't that bad.....but we had over 40 full sized persian rugs in our 4,000 sq ft beautiful home and they were just rolled up behind couches. It got so bad, we had rats for years! It was disgusting and I hated being anywhere but in my neat, very tidy, very organized room.

   I rearrange my furniture in my room, on average, once a month. Before I moved out it used to be more often. I clean my room twice a week. I hate to leave the house without a shower. Even to go to the grocery store. If those things aren't done- I feel gross about myself. Maybe I do need to work on it.

  I HATE baths. Can't stand them. I was sexually abused by my mom in a tub and one of the things I always remembered was that the tub was always scummy. There'd be like, nasty ass hairs from my dad, some pubic hairs stuck to the walls, and this weird brown scum. It grossed me out. Obviously it's one of those triggers I have from the abuse I experienced, but now I just in general can't stand baths and the thought of baths. I get catatonic.

  I think my reason for posting this is I wonder- do any of you get this way? Does any one else have things they get controlling about in their own environment? How do you choose to work through it or accept it as a part of your make-up?

Relationships: 11 Facts You Should Know About Living With Your Boyfriend

So, as most of you know: I live with my boyfriend (and I LOVE it!) But, um, needless to say- we do get on each other's nerves every now and then and he still manages to shock me. Here are some facts that may or may not apply to your guy and what it's like to live with boys.

Be prepared for lots of farts, weird crazy gross noises, and funky smells. 

1) If you are a neatfreak (like me) consider your lovely boyfriend to be your de-OCD bootcamp, because believe me, you're going to have to adapt.

2) Though I wish it did, living with your boyfriend does NOT mean 100% cuddles and snuggles at all times, whenever necessary or desired. Dudes need their "me time" too and they are not cuddle factories. Ethan always says he wishes he could make me a walking, talking Ethan-Robot to be there for cuddles when he needed to get shit done. Luckily, Ethan practices sax 6 hours a day, I have work 5-7 days out of the week, and that gives us enough space to miss each other and not want to punch each other out, most of the time. 

3) I thank GOD Ethan and I have our own rooms. He has his bedroom with his bed, computer, videogames, and sax-ness, I have my bedroom with my beautiful bed, freshly cleaned everything, writing/reading zone, and TV. I value my personal space and so does Ethan (and so does everyone). Some days, I just feel like doing my own thing, having some quiet time, and not being in girlfriend mode. On those days, Ethan does his stuff in his room or around the house or out and about with friends, and I do my things on my own. Sometimes, I'm a bad girlfriend and I nage Ethan about how messy his room gets. (I kid you not, there is dried avocado on his floor because he's such an avocado fiend.) But, technically, I believe you should let people treat their own space however it is and respect the sanctity of it. When Ethan's in my room, he knows not to wear shoes, to leave his dirty socks outside, and to help me make the bed. I'm totally anal about having a clean space, but he respects that. Personal space and respecting each other's personal space is so key. 

4) Fights you can put on pause when you live apart are a thing of the past. Many a time have we had stupid 3 in the morning fights and it's super exhausting but it definitely speeds up the resolution-process (unless you're like me and you clam up before you let anyone reach some sort of resolution.) Sometimes, I feel like the angry-married couple where he sleeps in his room for a few days, I sleep in mine, and we scowl at each other when we pass by one another. It's a whole new level of battle. 

5) Ethan sleeps in my room when we go to bed. We have our little routine. We watch some Futurama or some Southpark or maybe some Archer or Family guy and we turn the lights off, watch, snuggle, and fall asleep. It feels like a necessary part of the day for me. On nights where Ethan goes back to being his age and going out with friends, staying out til 3 in the morning or coming home the next day, I flip out. I can't sleep, I feel angry and worried- like maybe he's out cheating? But he's not. He's always doing what he said he was going to be up to and the insecure, mistrustful girl in me comes out. It takes a lot of adjusting to, first, get used to a relationship-routine, and then get used to the fact that you're not always going to be able to stick to your routine you made together. Because I cherish my time with him so much, I make sure to at least sneak in one meal with him every day, maybe a workout or a walk, and to go on a date every other week. That helps keep me sane, haha. When Ethan and I move to Boston, I'll have to readjust, flip shit a little bit, and come up with a new plan that fits both our schedules and needs. I told Ethan I'm making up a big white board bingo-chart, where we have to have X amount of things we make sure to do together during the week- that way he knows what I expect, and I don't get disappointed by the quality or how often we're spending time together. 

6) Maybe this happens in relationships, no matter what, but I have a birth control nag on my hands! Just in the middle of the day..... "Did you take your birth control?" or "You're taking it NOW? Aren't you supposed to take it in an hour?" or we'll be gettin' frisky and he'll pause and ask me, all panicked. No, boys. We do not want you to put a baby in us if we're on birth control. We've got it covered. (Well, hopefully you've got it covered.)

7) When you live with someone, they know EVERYTHING you do in the day. I mean everything. I like to be kind of mysterious and keep little secrets because I feel boring and sometimes gross if I don't but in a long term relationship where you live together- he knows. He knows when I overdraw my bank account, when I forget to shave my pits, when I have an upset tummy, and when I mope around all day feeling sorry for myself. Mostly, I've adjusted and I accept that I'm human-that shit happens- but sometimes I totally feel so much pressure to be perfect and girly and confident all the time and that's just not me. Not all the time, at least. 

8) You don't have sex every day! I thought, when you live together, that's just what's done but if anything, you do it less often. I kind of actually don't mind because I feel like if I'm over-sexed, I'll feel like that's all he's interested in, but I was totally shocked. I think when you do live together, you see each other more as a whole, and obviously, you don't get as much of a chance to miss each other and fantasize about what your relationship could be so sex doesn't tend to be the first thing on your mind. Or even the second. There's no mystery.

 "Did we remember to do our laundry?"

 "How was work?" 

"Let's cook together, I'm starving." 

"I know you had a really long day so I'm not even going to think of propositioning you."

 "We had sex 4 days in a row and I'm kind of burnt out. Let's read instead."

I feel like I sound like an old lady but I bet you anything, that's totally how it is for a lot of people. Plus, I have the added dynamic of being a freaker-outer sometimes during or after sex and that's a big turn off. Well, I shouldn't say that. I think it's more that I scare Ethan into staying away for awhile, because he's afraid he's hurt me somehow (which he never does.)

9) Money turns into an "ours" kind of thing rather than a "mine and his" dynamic. Again, I sound like a married old lady but I like to take care of Ethan when I can and he likes to take care of me and people don't tend to like to hear that we share each other's expenses, but whatever. It ends up being even. 

10) When you move in with a person, you find a lot more flaws in each other than you maybe would have cared to. Stupid flaws. "He forgets to flush" or "Her hair clogs the drain. That's totally gross." Or just any small personality-thing or habit- they're all a lot more obvious when you live together. I actually was never too bugged by any of Ethan's habits when I figured them out, but they're definitely a lot more obvious to me than they were before we moved in together- and I'm sure he could tell you loads of bad habits I have. 

11) When you live together (hopefully) your partner becomes your best friend. Ethan is my family, my best friend, where I go to when I need honest advice and criticism, and who I turn to when I'm at my lowest. It's pretty excellent.