Trauma Focussed CBT

So, I'm of course a huge therapy advocate. I've been seeing this therapist since October and I'm appreciating being further into "young adulthood" and getting to sift through my still in-progress but more developed thoughts on my utter dysfunction. I like that, with age, I can tell I actually have trained myself (and healed myself) enough to become slightly less sensitive, and slightly more aware. Though, the more I figure out, the more I realize I still have a very long way to go.

I like my current therapist because she's a lot younger than therapists I've had in the past. Which makes her more relatable and less intimidating. She's also a "no bullshit" kind of person which I dig, because I don't really enjoy being coddled or half listened to. 

Despite the fact that I feel a lot of progress has been made, I still feel totally enmeshed in my day to day anxiety and bummed-outness about feeling inherently unlovable and gimpy. A lot of the PTSD stuff gets in the way of me having a functional day and feeling like and be fun and interesting and not exhausting to people. Trips to the gyno are way too traumatizing, people who sneak up from behind me to hug me terrify the shit out of me, and I have this assumption that eventually….I'm just going to get kidnap-rape-murdered. It's all very upsetting and unsexy. 

People frequently recommend I do something other than talk therapy. Which, honestly I always take as an insult  because I find therapy useful and don't feel like I'm some plateaued asshole who likes to listen to someone tell me I'm constantly right and fine and valid. I participate, ponder, and try to change behaviors. I don't always succeed, but I'm 22, so fuck it! I'm still doing pretty alright. EMDR is something that's usually recommended, which is a method of retraining your brain to reduce triggers. That weirds me out, probably in part because I'm unhealthily bonded with my triggers. They're like my freckles. Also, if I earned the triggers, I want to earn the right to say I healed myself….not that some mumbo jumbo weird overly simplified stuff did. Then I'd just feel silly. Hypnotism has also been recommended to me. That also sounds just plain awful and insulting. Though perhaps valid to some people, I'm not ready to hop on that train quite yet. 

My therapist recommended something called "trauma focussed CBT" which is cognitive behavioral therapy…..with a focus on trauma. My understanding of CBT was that it was all very low intensity and focussed just on thought patterns and behaviors- not the stories behind them. With this therapy, it sounds a bit like the opposite. What I'm supposed to do is go in each week with my current therapist (because she's trained in this type of therapy) and we sit together and first create a timeline of all the traumatic events that have ever occurred in my life. That I can remember. Then, we go back and pick one memory for the week and I write down/explain every single detail I can remember, down to the weather and the smells and whatever other horrific senses are involved. Then I read it back to her. She reads it back to me. We discuss it. Then I go home and read it to trusted (pre selected) friends and "family" over and over every day for a week. Then I go back and repeat the same process with the next memory. Until I run out of memories to discuss. It sounds both horrifically awful and gloriously relieving. I'm figuring word-vomit blogging out the process may be constructive, or at least sort of calming. Prepare yourself.

Therapy Is Not So Scary: Finding The Right Therapist And Learning To Trust Them

(This photo was taken from www.postsecret.com)

   I've been through a lot of therapy and will always swear by it. Just because I've been through a lot of therapy doesn't mean all my therapists were great. If you're the type of person who's been through some shit, knows they probably need therapy of some sort, but can't seem to hop on the "therapy-train" then you probably have said one or more of these things:

"It takes a lot for me to trust someone and I'm not just going to share my personal life with some stranger for an hour."


"They're paid to listen to my problems. They don't really care about me. I feel stupid in therapy."


"My therapist doesn't really seem to understand what I'm saying or how I'm feeling. I don't click with therapists."


"I want to go to therapy but because I'm under 18 or around someone who has abused me or done something illegal, I can't talk about what's really hurting me and stressing me out. I don't want them to go to jail or get in trouble. I just want to talk."


   I get you. I've had those thoughts too. But here's the thing- when you feel insecure or you lack trust, that's the type of noise that's in your head all the time, anyway!

 "My friend doesn't want to hear about MY problems."


 "I don't really connect with anyone." 


"I feel stupid and ridiculous."


   If you want to stop hearing so much crap from within yourself, you're going to have to do the work to find someone, and let someone, help you stop being so damn negative and in your own way. I'm sure the only reason why you're struggling with hearing negative thoughts is because you have someone or something in your life, or had someone or something, who instills those thoughts in you- and you need help learning how to talk back to them.

   That's what therapy is for.

Some Things to Keep In Mind About Therapy

1. Gender matters. If you're threatened by women (like I am) A female therapist may not be for you. If men feel scary or too dominant- a male therapist may be too much for you to start off with. Be kind to yourself- don't set up obstacles for yourself where they aren't needed.
2. People grow out of therapists. I've grown out of therapists. Just because you feel like a specific therapist is no longer helping you or hitting as hard on what you need to work on, doesn't mean they didn't do you good in the past. Either try a new approach in therapy or ask for suggestions for a new therapist.
3. You need to be honest in therapy. Lying won't get you far. You don't need to feel guilty or ashamed or embarrassed if you feel like you need to talk about something. Whether it's you sex life, your past, sexual abuse, or something funkity going on with your body that you don't like- you're going to need to learn to feel comfortable enough to be open if you want help conquering it or better understanding where your feelings are coming from. That doesn't mean you need to rush telling your therapists something you're not ready for QUITE yet. Feel free to ease in to things.
4. If you're a shy person or a topic you need to broach is touchy for you- Write it down. Get your therapists' email address! Send an email before your session about what you want to talk about, something that's happened to you, or something you've seen. Take notes, even! I used to write in to my therapist before my session and then come with notes on my iPhone about the things I felt were most important to discuss, as well as what happened the past week (because sometimes I'd forget!)
5. Picking a therapist is like picking a friend. You have to test the waters, and move on when it's not a good fit. Not all therapists are right for everyone, and there are even some, dare I say, bad therapists out there. Go for a session or two and if you feel like it's not working out, politely bow out and move on to a new person.
6. Don't give up. If you're struggling figuring out a way to communicate with your Ther-Bear, think about it. Brainstorm ideas with and without your therapist. Don't be afraid to ask your therapist to try a different approach with you.
7. When a therapist has to move, can no longer see you because of a professional conflict (like he's seeing your mom in therapy as well or something) or their grandma died and they have to go on leave or whatever- it is NOT an act made intended to break your trust, hurt you, or make you feel like you are not a priority (like you've probably been told so many times before.) Life happens, even for therapists. Try not to take things personally, though I know, it can be really really tough. If they have to leave and it's planned, maybe ask them if they can connect you with a new therapist and have a session with all three of you- catching the newbie up on what you've worked through already so it's not a rehashing of all the painful stuff you've already, mostly, covered. 
8. If it's a legal issue and you can't directly discuss what's happened or what's going on because it will have to be reported- either realize: it needs to be reported for your own safety, or: tell your therapist without telling them. Ask them first what's reportable and what's not and what you can and cannot discuss. Leave out names or family relations if that helps. (Though I prefer being able to say WHO did WHAT and I know having to omit some of the truth sucks for now. Eventually you'll be able to say everything.)

Sex+Sexual Abuse: A Survivor's Story- Anonymous (Female)

This was a story sent into me. To send your story, email me at stargee@me.com

   Fortunately enough, I have always had a very close relationship with my mother. She has always been someone I can tell anything to.

   I remember coming home from school one day, and asking my mom what a "virgin" was because some kid on the playground asked me if I was one (and thinking it was some sort of name-calling) I said no. Next thing I knew, the whole class was laughing at me and I had no clue why. So she had the sex talk with me and I was somewhat aware of what it was after the said discussion.

   Several weeks later, a family friend was babysitting me and decided to abuse me. Fortunately, that talk I had several weeks earlier, came in handy. I knew SOMETHING was wrong, but didn't exactly know what to do. I hid in the family friend's bedroom and got on the phone when he asked me to take off my clothes. I called my mom and she told me to put him on the phone. I remember walking to him and he talked to my mom. He told her exactly what he was doing and how he felt that there was nothing wrong with watching pornography and masturbating in front of a 10 year old.

   He eventually finished up what he was doing...with himself, and took me home. When he took me home, I remember my mom crying and freaking out. She called the police and they actually arrested him later on that day. I remember spending lots of time talking to police officers, school psychologists, etc. It turned out that he had been sexually abused as a child, and had actually molested his own children as well. He spent 6 months in jail and I'm not sure what happened to him after that.

   The key to healing for me was being able to talk about it right after it happened. I count myself lucky that I was immediately able to open up about what had happened because I knew it was wrong somehow at that age. I spent lots of time in therapy, I think my mom was scared I was going to have a lot of problems for the rest of my life because of it. Art therapy always helped me through it. I had this awesome therapist for a year who asked me to draw everything, every thought, emotion, dream, etc. It really got everything out.

   When I entered high school and I started liking guys, I didn't know how I would deal with sex or relationships in general. My first "boyfriend" asked me out and I freaked out about the thought of even kissing, so I ended things two days later. I realized, then, that it was time to go back to therapy to deal with this situation that I thought I had taken care of in the past.

   Eventually I worked through the anxiety of relationships and the thought of any kind of sexual situation. I just knew that I was going to have to wait a long time until I was "ready." So I waited...and waited...and finally met someone I was comfortable with in late high school. He was willing to wait and deal with my anxiety, insecurities, emotions, everything, for 2 1/2 years, until I was ready for anything sexual. It was great, and even though that relationship never worked out past early college, it still meant a lot that someone was willing to wait for me that long. I think once I got through the first relationship, the anxiety of relationship stuff actually didn't scare me anymore and since then I've been pretty much fine. I've always been open about the molestation as well, in all my relationships, and most guys have taken it pretty well. I haven't had any of them running in the other direction (for that reason anyway), so it gave me a lot more confidence.

   All in all my key to healing was communication. Lots of communication about the situation, and lots of therapy...and just waiting for time to pass.