I'm an inconsistent person. I make a lot of grand plans, I have great ideas about how to better myself and better my world, and I'll spend ages in "the planning phase." If I could get hired somewhere and make the big bucks telling people what THEY should do to get shit done, I'd be set. The problem is, I want to be consistent. I want to be consistent for myself, for my future career, for my health, for my boyfriend and our relationship, and for the friends and family I have and want to keep.
I'm currently a big believer in telling people openly- this is what I suck at. Once it's out in the open, there's no hiding from the fact that you know you have something you need to be working on, and the people who care in your life will hold you accountable.
My boyfriend's a huge help to me when it comes to keeping me honest about myself. I wouldn't have it any other way (well, on days where I'm feeling weepy and not wanting to get out of bed...I sometimes feel like I'd prefer he NOT tell me to get out of bed, go for a run, and do something that makes me happy.) He knows how I feel about myself, he knows my weaknesses and my strengths, and he helps keep me focussed. Because I need that at this stage in my life. It's okay to recognize when you know you need someone to help keep you on track when it comes to certain things.
Let's also note that it's not exactly fun to be around someone who is inconsistent. One minute you're happy about some cute thing your partner did for you that made you really feel like one in a million, the next you're mad about how your boyfriend left his wet towels on the floor and your screaming at him about how he never considers your feelings and you think it may just be over. I've actually kind of been there. I was raised in a home with a lot of inconsistency. Alcohol abuse, constant lying, crazy waves of emotions....we saw it all. In a way, I taught myself that the way that you show someone love is by being crazy. I struggled a lot with my previous relationship- there 100% one minute, out the door the next. Mad, angry, feeling alone and misheard....it was awful! Sometimes, I couldn't even guess what was coming next from the box of Rollercoaster-Tara-Time. All it says about me, though, is that I never really felt secure or sure of myself. I didn't have a clear plan for how I was going to approach a problem I had with someone because I didn't really know if I deserved to be upset.
Now that I have a stable home, a loving, steady, and rational boyfriend who understands where I came from, and space from my past- I recognize that I can be irrational and inconsistent and I need to work on it to make a happier me.
Here are some things that I'm inconsistent with:
I go on diets and workout routines often, and rarely do I get past one solid week of commitment to my plan
I talk myself "down" from the ledge that is feeling unloved and potentially soon to be abandoned. I present the rational side of whatever may have happened and realize that I may just be overreacting to something my boyfriend, his mom, or my boss said and I feel better and calm. Then I revisit the issue and totally flip out. Ethan often still has to answer the, "Do you like being around me?" question. Of course, he says yes but it frustrates him to know that sometimes I still don't know the answers to very basic questions about our fundamentals.
I'm chronically late to things I set three and four alarms four. It's always something, and I always have a great excuse I pulled out of my ass.
I go back and forth between wanting to contact my parents, or at least my dad, hoping that he will want to spend time with me and cherish me as his wonderful, strong child. You'll hear me say "I know he comes from a dysfunctional place and I cannot change him" but it hasn't yet stopped me from treating him like he has the potential to be the greatest dad in the world. I'm wasting my time.
I often buy myself potted plants just because I know I'll have to remember to water them. I figure this will help me out with being less inconsistent.....all my plants have died. I have a succulent on it's way to the grave as we speak.
Here are some habits I'm trying to adopt:
I have a very detailed, color coded, very filled planner. It doesn't really allow me to forget my responsibilities and it helps me feel more sane and in control of my day, every day. If I get super lazy one day and don't finish everything on my checklist, I move it to the next day and get to feel like I'm starting fresh. I have purple post it notes on every monthly section, telling my my monthly $ earnings goal and where I should be at by the end of the month, savings wise. I have blue post it notes on every monthly section that tell me my top three overall goals for the month and when they need to be accomplished. I even schedule friend-hang out time responsibly. I know, I'm a nerd. But it works for me.
I have a big push-pin board hung up on my wall with all the possible workouts I ever would do. )When I actually plan and get committed) I set all the workouts I need to do the following day on the left side of the board, and with each workout I check off (100 squats, 10 bear crawls, a 15 minute run...) I move it to the right side of the board. I also add all the foods I need to make sure I'm eating, as well as all the glasses of water I should be drinking. The act of moving the stupid little cards over and seeing that I'm powering my way through a list of things that are helping me be healthier and slimmer makes me totally lame-excited. It's fantastic and I recommend it!
I plan ahead of time when I need to do things like clean my room, do my eyebrows, whiten my teeth- because they're important parts of my schedule that make me feel better about myself and my surroundings. I try to make as many things a routine as possible. That way, I won't get frazzled when I realize I have one more to-do to add to my list.
I make Sunday my weekly "regroup" day. I re-assess my financial situation, check my bank accounts and calculate how many additional hours I need to work, if any at all, and plan how much I need to set aside next week. I clean my room when I wake up. I do my laundry. I plan my week and contact my friends I want to make sure I get to see during the upcoming week. I have some me-time and read a girl magazine online or paint my nails. I treat every week like a new opportunity to do better. It helps me keep from getting depressed about the things I fucked up the week before and it helps keep me from repeating my mistakes.
I set an alarm anyway. Even though I'm chronically late, I'm less late than I used to be. I used to be 20-30 minutes late. Now I'm usually 5-10 minutes late. Hopefully, if I keep making being on time a priority, I'll learn to be 5-10 minutes early.
