(This story was written into me by a reader. To post your story to my blog, please email me at stargee@me.com)
Dating a survivor of sexual abuse doesn't seem so different to me from dating
someone who hasn't experienced abuse of any sort. People are still people and
after a point, "I was abused" is no longer a defining feature of someone's
personality, though it takes quite a bit of internal struggle to reach that
point. It's simply something that some people must deal with. Others are lucky
enough not to be afflicted with the burdens that abuse places on a person, but
they have their own struggles that they have to deal with, so I have never seen
it as making a person any great amount different than others are in the grand
arc of a human lifespan. I understand that abuse does completely derail the
lives of some people, which is unfortunate, but other people manage to derail
their lives or live in utter mediocrity without having had trauma to explain or
excuse it, so I think that the truth is that people are people and that even
though no one should have to experience abuse, everything ultimately comes down
to who we are and how we view and treat ourselves, whether we were beaten or
sexually abused or grew up with poverty or war or in a broken home, or were
among those blessed to be raised by a pair of loving parents.
Abuse and the healing process are nothing more or less than an additional obstacle in becoming who we all should feel we deserve to be, one that certainly shouldn't be treated
lightly, as it presents a lot of extra challenge for someone to live up to or
even recognize their potential, but though it seems frightening and huge and as
though it will affect an individual for life, I have always believed that
literally any obstacle short of death can be overcome by someone of sufficient
will with support and love from the people who want to support and love them (an
important thing to know since most abuse cases have little to no support from
their blood family, but just because people aren't related to you doesn't mean
that they wouldn't give you just as much as they would their own child or anyone
else important to them). It was because of that belief that I didn't even bat an
eye initially when my girlfriend told me she'd been abused. Did I find it
abhorrent that someone had done that to her? Yes, but I never have allowed
myself to think that because of her background she is any less capable than I or
any other man or woman of becoming and being as great as she can imagine herself
being, of doing anything she wants to do. With that said there are certainly
some challenges that come up in a romantic relationship with someone who's been
abused.
She was very shy at the outset of our relationship, and reacted very strongly to
physical contact and intimacy, for a long time in equal parts positive and
negative response. She would be extremely passionate and sexy and within the
same span of intimate contact end up crying and telling me how much she hated
herself or how ugly she felt. This sort of thing creeps into everyday
non-intimate interaction as well, it's difficult to pinpoint at what point
exactly she really changed for the better but she is in much greater emotional
control these days and has much greater clarity in terms of her views of herself
and her relationship to others, her friends, family etc. For a large portion of
our time together she really seemed to have no concept of her physical
appearance, the good or ill, she could never take compliments and spent a lot of
time talking about how fat she was even though she was in great shape.
Her views of herself have changed greatly in that she's actually capable of loving herself
now, I'd say that that's essentially what it's boiled down to. She had been
taught through abuse to hate herself and never see that anything she did was
good or see that it was possible for her to be loved no matter what she did,
regardless of her beauty or any of the great things about who she was. She would
wildly misinterpret simple things, I would have to go on at incredible length
when talking with her about anything pertaining to her because any holes in
explanation or presentation that I left were filled in with her own
insecurities.
She has for the most part gotten over all of this and can see what
is good about her and what she wants to change, and doesn't just fill in all the
blanks with self hatred anymore. And her improvement has been gradual and solid
despite the fact that I haven't treated her perfectly or dealt with her
insecurities perfectly, and one can't be expected to deal with someone else
flawlessly. It's a process of meeting one another halfway and being patient, and
those who are dating someone who has been abused, if you find you cannot deal
with their issues or you lack the patience to go through six months to a full
year (or more, every person and every case is different depending on a ton of
factors, and I'm no psychologist so I can't even begin to enumerate all of them)
would probably be better served on both sides of the relationship to end the
romantic relationship and either be friends or go separate ways, because it is
almost impossible to help someone heal if you are not very patient and willing
to sacrifice a lot for them. For those who are the one who's been abused, the
most important thing to realize is that (hopefully) everything your partner says
comes from a place of love and that they would not be dishonest with you nor say
something hurtful for kicks, they are trying to help and it does no one any good
to push them away, it wears down their stamina and may confuse them, so for both
parties' sakes try to keep that in mind.
On the central issues that have actually continued through this point in time,
most if any issues occur now when we're intimate, which makes sense. It's at the
times of strongest emotional and physical response that we're most apt to have
an unwanted intruding thought, and since sex is in this case the interaction
which abuse has hampered the most, this is also where most people really run
into trouble.
My girlfriend tells me that through talking to other sexual abuse
survivors she's found that they will have similar reactions during sex to her if
they start to be affected by the negative emotions their abuse fostered: it
starts with feeling uncomfortable, which can happen for any number of reasons
depending on the person: not enough foreplay, an uncomfortable
environment/lighting/even time of day, a position they don't like, a method of
stimulation they're uncomfortable with, and the list probably goes on, very
specific to the person. Generally this stuff is not really stoppable in the
moment once it starts, if you're having sex and your partner starts to feel
uncomfortable it is almost guaranteed to get worse if you keep going and end up
with them at best not really enjoying it and feeling down afterward, at worst
becoming nonresponsive and ending up crying or practically catatonic for a
little while with you freaking out and trying to comfort them while feeling like
you've damaged or abused them. So probably the most important thing you can
generally think about is just how you're both feeling, make sure your partner is
enjoying it, talk about it outside of intimate time to determine what they like
and what makes them uncomfortable and what sends them down a bad road and you
can reduce the occurrence of these episodes.
Reducing their intensity largely falls to the partner who has been abused, as once they start to feel frightened or uncomfortable they're the only ones who can quiet their minds, reassure
themselves that you don't want to hurt them and that they're safe with you. The
best way to aid that over time is to reassure them of that yourself the first
dozens of times they do freak out and end up crying; just hug them and tell them
those things, and make sure they know it's okay with you that it happened and
that you know that it'll get better, if that's not true, you shouldn't be in an
intimate romantic relationship because you'll do them more harm than good. It
takes a lot of patience, if crazy, frequent sex in a relationship is a big thing
for you then you should not be dating an abuse survivor because you will in all
likelihood just make sex even worse for them. For those with the patience for
it, the biggest thing is really just support and knowing when to stop. If you
screw up sometimes, it's okay, people make mistakes even when they know the
parameters. I've had problems before, tripped up a few times and done something
I shouldn't have done or even knew she didn't like, but at this point we've both
gotten better and she's become more communicative, a large problem can be the
ambiguity of your partner's enjoyment.
This could go on for a long, long time but it really boils down to this for
those whose partners have been sexually abused:
Communication and sensitivity: noting when your partner seems uncomfortable and
also developing a level of comfort with one another where you know and can state
what you do or don't like and whether something is alright with you.
Patience: overcoming trauma is all about the individual and in truth nothing you
can do will heal someone, they have to walk the path. You can offer
encouragement and company but you can't drag them down it, they have to go when
they are ready, and in the meantime you have to be emotionally made of steel in
order to withstand their repeated attempts to push you away in a panic, the
things that they say that they don't mean, and a lot of attention that feels
unrequited. Make sure you really feel that the person is worth it, it's the only
thing that will allow you to forget that stuff when they do start to heal and
not expect them to repay what you gave them and end up resenting them.
Willingness to give, but not too much: be there for your partner but don't give
up on the things that are important to you, find the balance between being
supportive, cuddling them late at night and spending time together during the
day and doing the stuff that's important to you, practicing your sport, hanging
out with friends, learning, and leisure time. Having a respectable chunk of time
each day to be on your own (and work does not count) and read or think or veg
out will make you a much better partner and person, so make sure you treat
yourself as well as you deserve to be treated and pursue your interests in
addition to being there for your partner, and encourage them to do the same. Not
only will their healing proceed along better, you'll both continue to grow as
people should rather than stagnating and devoting all time and all issues to the
issue of sexual abuse. Don't ever give it that much power. Each individual
person is born with unlimited potential and neither you nor your partner should
let this hamper you each in achieving the potential you possess. It is merely a
facet of life, not a defining point of your relationship or you as individuals,
so don't treat it like it is. Go and be great at what you want to do and live
meaningfully, and make room in that for the healing process and dealing with the
effects of abuse.
Don't get discouraged, things will get better.
