Life is Scary...And There's so Much More of It

Here's some word vomit for you:

Dating sucks. School sucks. Work sucks. Friendship sucks. Parents suck. Society sucks. People suck. Life's journey sucks..........oh boy. Is anyone else in a funk about...life? I can't think of one thing I feel truly thankful for or not overwhelmed by. Also concerned I may potentially be BPD....or bipolar....or just a permanently difficult and down person. Also wishing I had a million dollars to buy friends. And a boyfriend who could put up with my totally damaged and odd ways and still find a way to enjoy my company and still interact with me.....Oh, to be in your 20's.

Love, Silly-Sulky-Sally

It Really Bugs Me When.....

   It really bugs me when my boyfriend swears too much, or talks too loud, or spits in public, or makes those weird mucous-y sounds, or farts in my direction when he's sleeping. It really bugs me when he laughs along with me when I make fun of myself, or calls my love handles small after I admitted I currently have love handles (you're supposed to lie and say I have the body of a goddess!). It really bugs me when he makes plans with someone else after I've told him, casually, I don't really think I'll be seeing him today (because I'm mad and he doesn't know it). It bugs me when he makes me share my favorite foods I was going to share....if he hadn't asked me for a bite. It bugs me when he takes my side of the bed. It bugs me when he doesn't ask me to sleep over, but sometime is bugs me when he asks me to sleepover too. It bugs me when he messes all the covers up on my super perfect pretty takes-too-long-too-make-bed. It bugs me when he laughs at how flustered about it I get. It bugs me when he eats messy, or leaves trash in my car. It bugs me that he always has some sort of counter argument to my complaints. It bugs me when other girls say hello to him and he's nice back and chooses not to punch them in the face instead.


   Then I realize....I need to calm the fuck down! I realize this a lot. But it's kind of ridiculously hard. Maybe I need medication. Or maybe I just become one of those AWFUL girls when I date and actually like the guy! Or maybe I pick people that I get in this dynamic with? Maybe I create this dynamic. Maybe I like being an agonizing-jerk! Or maybe I just need to calm the fuck down. Sometimes I think to myself, hey boyfriend, you should be upset with me a lot more! Can somebody give this guy a pat on the back? But then that realization makes me totally sad. If I were to make a list, from what I believe should be his perspective, it would go something like this:

   "It really bugs me when my girlfriend is just a totally inexplicable bitch! Or when she nags at me every two seconds for having a good time. Or when she smiles at me and says she loves me for doing THE EXACT SAME THINGS. It really bugs me when I can't predict how she will feel that day, that hour, that moment, and I can predict even less about how she'll react to my attempts at resolving said problems. It really bugs me how indecisive she is. It really bugs me how aggressively jealous she can be, while she's consciously trying to make sure I get jealous about something she's doing. It really bugs me how I can't treat her how she treats me. It really bugs me how down she is all the time. It really bugs me how the more loving I act, the more pissed off at the world she gets. It really bugs me how ungrateful she is. It really bugs me how often she suggests we should break up. It really bugs me how much she seems like she dislikes me, and then how upset she gets when I decide to leave and stop dealing with her stupid shit. It really bugs me how anxious and nervous and irrational she gets. It really bugs me how I do all sorts of things for her and she does nothing for me in exchange. It really bugs me how isolated she makes herself. It really bugs me how she never picks me back up, but I always pick her up when she's in pieces. It really bugs me how inflexible she is. It really bugs me how hard it is to make her happy."

*sigh* Relationship guru's......please appear to me! I'm hopeless at this stuff!

To My Secret Readers

Dear readers,

I know there are a few of you out there who read my blog and really resonate with some of the stuff I've talked about or what some of my reader's have written in about. If you'd like a chance to share your story too, please message me on the Facebook page (linked on the tab to the right) or email me at:

stargee@me.com.

As always, I am comforted by those of you who have taken the time to reach out and share with me.

Life is a Balance, and I'm not Balanced

Dearest Virtual Friends,

  So, I'm in my early twenties, I'm juggling school, work, friends, dating, and figuring out who I am. Normal stuff, right? Incorrect. Those are all normal things, it seems, for most (okay probably not most) everyone except me. You see, I'm juggling school (which I never quite learned how to actually DO because I was battling an alcoholic/suicidal/very much so in need mother from the age of five instead of learning my proper ABC's and multiplication tables and getting praised for 'what a good job I was doing.) I'm juggling work (which has never been just WORK to me because from the age of fifteen, work meant loaning what I could to my parents for our $8,000 monthly mortgage and saving whatever else I could because being poor and homeless has always been a very real fear to me.) I'm juggling friends (which I have none of because I apparently have the social skills of a rat....or something far less social if rodents turn out to be more social animals than I am.) I'm juggling dating (which proves to be evermore difficult for me because I start out confident and unattached and end up very much so self-esteemless and very very attached and, FYI, I am the planet's worst girlfriend.) And lastly, I'm juggling figuring out who I am, which basically, these days, entails me sitting around in tears wondering "Why ME? Why do I exist?"

   As you can see, I'm really great at list making and talking and elaborating, but the older the get, the less I feel I have figured out about myself and what works. Okay, okay- so everyone realizes as they become "wiser" that they know very little. I know very little, and I'm less and less wise as the years go by it seems.

I understand that life is a balance and that I need to BE more balanced in the way that I live my life, but I am feeling fundamentally very unbalanced.

Here is a List of Some of the Things I'm Trying to Balance

• Time management
• Dating 
• Sex
• School
• Friendships
• Social Media Usage
• TV Usage
• Learning How to Enjoy Reading
• Staying on top of Current Financial Responsibilities 
• Saving 
• Educating Myself About Basic Life Skills (I.E. Cars, Being Financially Savvy, Study Skills, Nutrition Skills, Basic Computer Applications, etc) 
• Preparing Myself to Move out and be 100% Independent Within 1 Year
• Feeling Suicidal and Depressed
• Guilt About How I am a Financial and Emotional Burden, Feeling Guilt About How Behind in School I am, Feeling Guilt about How Unfit I am, Feeling Guild about How bad of a Friend I Must be, Feeling Guilt that Someone is Dating ME, Feeling Guilt that I Own a Car-Go to School-and Have Freedom and Still have Depression, Feeling Guilt that I Don't Speak to my Family, Feeling Guilt that I Still Have Trouble with Sex, and Feeling Guilt that I Don't Have Two Jobs and Several More Classes. 
• Fitness- Losing Weight and Being Consistent but Also not Being Obsessive and Unhealthy about Fitness (Which is difficult for me...) 
• Not Being Obsessive 
• Being "OCD" When Stressed 
• Being Whiny and Sad around Others
• Missing my Family and Feeling Sad about Loss
• Being Afraid for my Future
• Work- Not Being Capable or Intelligent Enough to Work 
• "Looking" Pretty 
• Understanding What a Healthy Relationship with Alcohol is for me
• (And several other things.....) 

I feel very overwhelmed, very anxious, and really just embarrassed by myself. These are fun times, people. Fun times. 

I'm Kinda Dating an Emotional Virgin

   I've been accidentally dating this guy for close to 9 months and now I think I may really like him. The problem is, he started out as a rebound 3 weeks after I moved back from breakup-Boston and now I'm needing to adjust my frame of mind around him and us. I don't know if I've properly healed from my breakup, I don't feel very "finished" as a product/person, and he's kind of an emotional virgin. I feel like, to grossly simplify things, I come from a dark creepy horror-scene of a forest and my strengths are things like being analytical and aware and deep and emotional and he comes from a gingerbread house, complete with chirping birds and visiting grandmas and his strengths are things like......being young and not caring about what other people think. In a way, he forces me not to take myself so seriously. But I take myself so seriously! I get so wrapped up in worrying about what people might think (because not everyone is his biggest fan). I worry about what my ex's parents think (they don't like him so much and I live with them! Can't step on anyone's toes!) I KNOW my parents would hate him but who cares about them. Lots of my friends.....well used to be his friend before I was and they are no longer fans of his. I like dating people who are able to just blend and mesh and get along with everyone without upsetting anyone. But he makes me laugh, cheers me up accidentally, and treats me like an equal-not a cripple. He moves heaven and earth for me and genuinely loves to spend time with me. He calls me "beautiful" every chance he gets and I think he means it. He listens to me and TRIES every time I ask for something different from him. I think he'd be happy to get the best OR the worst of me. He admits (most) of his faults and never "punishes" me for the mistakes I make. He knows how to say sorry. He incorporates me in anything he does. He never brings me down. He knows how to defend himself AND me. He grows and I kinda love it.

   Here's the age old question: As someone who comes from abuse and a dark past, do you date someone who comes from a similarly messed up past or do you date someone who has come out relatively unscathed by life? Date someone who's damaged- drown together/better support each other with a deeper understanding. Date someone who's all whole and naive- feel alone in your problems and feel like the "difficult" one/have someone with more energy to pick you up or stand by you when you're struggling. I haven't figured it out yet. I lean towards dating older guys with similar pasts but I tend to end up with younger guys who have not one clue how to even approach the most basic of issues I struggle with.

   I live in fear of commitment. Let's be honest, I did the commitment thing, as I often do- moved in with my boyfriend, then moved all the way out to Boston for him and his dreams and talked about marriage, and I got burned. I can admit, I'm a tough person to be with. I'm bossy, I'm emotional, I'm not always very consistent, I run away a lot, and I'm apparently a TERRIBLE communicator (says everyone I date.) I love to love and nurture but apparently I'm even better at neglecting my romantic partners. Believe you me, I will push you to your limits and then some. So dating worries me because once we arrive at this point in our relationship where I FINALLY decide to let my walls down enough to say "I like you," then there's this whole other very elaborate song and dance where I constantly am in a state of panic. "Will you eventually leave me?" "How am I supposed to trust you?" "Are you cheating on me?" "Of course you're cheating on me because you secretly hate me. You never actually liked me at all, did you?!" And then I work myself into a crazy tizzy. I don't trust people. I don't respect people because I'm always afraid they don't respect me. I always assume things are temporary so I never get to a point where I mellow out and enjoy the person I'm with. Obviously, I'm hoping to work on those things and I hope I've improved over the years, but past and current relationships tell me I have quite a ways to go. I just hope I don't break this boy.

7 Rules for Living With Your Ex-Boyfriend

Now, I know most of you out there (luckily) will never have to live with your ex-boyfriend/girlfriend but here's a few facts about what it's like. I'm sure you'll have a laugh or two. I know I didn't.

1) Remember to act like you feel AWESOME. Wear your highest heels. Put on your favorite perfume. Dress like you're getting laid EVERY DAY! Do squats and pushups real fast before he comes home. Casually toss your hair like you ooze sex appeal and have not ONE worry in the world. Strut yo' stuff.

2) Remind yourself he is your EX boyfriend for a reason. Sure he smells great, looks better than he did before, and for some stupid ass reason walks around the house shirtless. He still forgets to flush, makes you insecure because he's insecure, and is boring as all hell. Remember that bigger and better things await you and you don't need to be taking steps backwards just because he's presenting his best self.

3) Cry very quietly when your ex is within earshot! I learned this the hard way. Getting caught sobbing over what used to be and could have been is rather embarrassing. Especially when he requests you quiet down so he can call his new girlfriend....

4) For God's sake, don't stay in. Living with your ex-boyfriend is a total mind fuck. All of the sudden you think you wish he'd notice you, you start hoping he'll engage in conversation with you. Maybe he'll say you look pretty today! Maybe you'll have some sort of movie moment where he catches a glimpse of you out of the corner of his eye and he walks up to you, grabs you, and gives you the most firework-y kiss of your life and says something like, "I made a mistake. I don't want her. I want you. It's always been you. Please take me back!" Psshtt.....Woman, not only are you dreaming, but you're setting yourself up for several teary-eyed dates with Ben & Jerry's because if he didn't know you were the one when you were together, he's certainly not going to come to the realization now. Remember, he's not the one who doesn't want you back. YOU don't want HIM back! Go out, have some fun, have a good cry in your car, and surround yourself with people who CURRENTLY know how to appreciate a good woman when they have one.

5) Feel free to make fun of your ex as much as you want. Go for it! Have fun, I know I do. Okay, be fair and appropriate and don't make it a habit but confide in a close girlfriend or two and laugh at that poor boy's expense. Come on, it'll make you feel better.

6)  Be honest with yourself. Being around an ex boyfriend can make you feel all sorts of things. Some of those feelings are valid, and some of those are feelings that have been created because of the environment you're in. Yes, you probably miss parts of his personality and some of what you two were like as a couple but was it really as glamorous as you're making it out to be now that you're broken up? Odds are, he wasn't all that and a bag of chips and you're probably relieved to be moving on. Keep moving on!

7) Try not to live with your ex boyfriend. It sucks.

Bound to be Crazy

Holiday Greetings All,

   Sometimes, I assess my life and all the "parts" that make up me and I feel like there's no way I'm NOT cukoo-for-cocoa puffs, or at least bound to be. My life is messy, largely in part by choice. I still rent from my ex-love's parents, I'm still estranged from my parents, I still beat myself up every day, and I'm still a roller coaster of "will" and "won't." Yes, I will try. No, I won't get past this. Yes, I will come out on top. No, I won't make it through today. Yes, I will repair myself. No, I won't ever be proud of what I've become. Yes, I will find peace. No, I'll never figure out how to love and be loved.

   Sometimes, I get so wrapped up in analyzing, re-analyzing, and over-analyzing who I am and how I react to things and I end up getting, just, so sick of myself! I can't imagine how the people around me manage to be around me! I'm bossy, demanding, and unappreciative. I'm the opposite of fun. I'm a people repellent. Then I feel stupid for saying such negative things. I'm a million miles a minute.

  I made it through the holidays...I think? Worse for wear. I cried all through Christmas day. I cried all through my birthday. I watched my ex boyfriend be happy and functional in his new found relationship. It made me feel embarrassed about myself and how far I...maybe haven't come. I just spent the majority of December in tears and I don't know why I do it to myself. Being rejected by my family still gets me every time and I feel dumb for not being able to accept that I am without family. But then I think, "Well why am I alone? Maybe it's me. Of course it's me. What have I done?"

   The holidays and my birthday turns me into the biggest brat. I don't know how to be grateful. I don't know how to be quietly giving. I don't know how to "go with the flow." I need order, attendance, and timeliness around the holidays and my birthday. I need smiles, compliments, and meaningful gestures. I need and undying, unlimited amount of love. And it still ends up leaving me feeling empty and unseen, come Christmas morning. I have so much back-tracking, and making up for what I didn't have I still feel like I need to do. I just need so much. Too much?

   I feel like parents give you the tools to develop healthy relationships, plan well for yourself, and they teach you how to be one of your biggest support systems.....Healthy parents anyway. Growing up, I don't think I ever once saw my mom support herself. She had no confidence. She wasn't ever happy. And she never truly understood what it felt like and meant to be loved. I didn't grow up with any of the right kind of modeling and I certainly never really felt supported. My mom used to take pictures of my tears, amplify my failures, and remind me why friends and boyfriends must have chosen to leave me. I fight really hard to be positive and supportive of myself and others but sometimes I feel like the behavior that was modeled to me as a child sticks and I get a little nasty and pretty negative when I really just need someone to step in and be my support system.