Loss

I've experienced a lot of loss in the past few months. I've lost my home, my relationship, my best friend, and the future I had planned for myself. I feel that I am adjusting really well and I do get through each and every day as best I can without seeming down but I'm really struggling and I just come away feeling so lost at sea. It's really honestly so tough being this island- being my own pillar of strength. I don't have parents to fall back on, siblings to relate to, a boyfriend to make a home for me, or even really a close knit set of friends yet. It's all a process, and I get that. But damn it if I didn't get dealt a process far more complex and trying than other people have been dealt.

I start my days feeling overwhelmed and unsure about what my next move will be. What it has to be. Being financially independent is terrifying. Not knowing how long you'll be able to feed yourself, worrying that life will always be as difficult as it is now- that you're not strong enough or even hard working enough to get to the next stage in life....worrying that everyone views you as "poor" or fiscally irresponsible or just sad. I get so frustrated even talking to some people my age when they tell me about the struggles the face, I'm just so envious. I'd kill to have parents to argue with over what classes I should be taking. I'd kill to have parents who even took an interest in where I was and how I was doing and what my plans for the future are! I'd kill to not have to worry about how I'm going to pay for health insurance and what I'd do if my car broke down and how am I going to pay for school next semester? I feel so much pressure...all the time. I also am now very aware, being single, how much better people respond to you if you seem like you have EVERYTHING covered and handled and you have a smile on your face. I've got this "I've got it" attitude down to a T and when you're around me, I'm fun, I'm happy, I'm lighthearted, and I am as easygoing as I can possibly be because I've realized in order for people to receive me and take me in and be able to process me- I need to come without baggage. And unfortunately, when people get to know me, they perceive me as someone with a ton of unwanted baggage.

Being thrown into the dating world is totally fun and totally heartbreaking. I see reflections of myself over and over again in all these interested prospects. I like some of what I see, and hate most of everything else I see. I realize now that people actually do perceive me as very attractive (for the most part) which is great and has helped to heal some of my wounds from my past relationship but I also see and hear a lot of what I've been hearing and seeing throughout most of my life. People fall in love with the idea of me and the idea of "rescuing" me. People with dysfunction in their own family fall for my own dysfunction and the way I mistreat them. I make people walk on eggshells and feel nervous and afraid constantly, worrying the next thing they say might set me off, hurt me, or anger me. People feel like relationships with me are one sided- that I never really give, I am very closed off, and can be exceedingly critical considering how sensitive I am. People realize after the initial intrigue- seeing that I'm attractive, I put effort into myself and my appearance, that I work hard, that I'm mysterious and that I'm a real serious fighter- that despite all of my great qualities, I still do indeed come with a lot of baggage. Too much baggage for people my age or without colored pasts to handle. I want to be perceived as warm and strong and understanding and consistent but so far, all I've got down is the "strong" part. In being exposed to the dating world and new interactions, I've realized that I still feel like I'm just too much for one person to handle....for someone to want to handle. I still feel like a burden and an imposition and it's frustrating because I want love. I just don't feel like I'm quite at a place where I would know what to do with it or would deserve it just yet. And that's a very sad reality to sit with.

Having lost so many loved ones and what I associated with "home" all at once only makes me feel like I've done something to push away what I want and need and I'm very frustrated with myself. I'm also frustrated with the people I chose to surround myself with.

Every day I try to try a little harder but it's a definite uphill battle and life gets tough when there's no one to truly share with who understands and experiences what you experience.