I talk a lot about the things I do for myself and the things Ethan does for me when I'm overwhelmed. I talk about the way I understand myself and the way I take care of myself as though I am proud. In a sense, I guess I am proud. It takes a level of honesty and self awareness to understand what you need in your own time of need. I have to be honest though, I don't like the things that I need. I don't mean to say I don't enjoy the self nurturing or being nurtured by others, but that I hate that I constantly, and probably in moments throughout my life (however far apart they eventually get) feel five. I am a five year old.
When I cry my voice gets mousey, I kick my feet, I hide behind and under things and I revert to this little afraid child who can't handle things that go bump in the night. Why five? Can't I be twelve, or fifteen, or maybe even *gasp*...my age? I'd like to think the people around me view me as responsible and mature but I do not feel mature at all. I treat my friendships and all my falling outs with friends like a child would. "Why don't they like me? Will they come back? I feel so sad and confused. People are stupid." When an adult criticizes me, even with merit, I fall apart. "I'll never amount to anything. I'll never be a grown up. Well, they're just stupid. I'll do what I want. But why don't they like me." I even treat my achievements as a five year old would. "I did this small thing. Why haven't you complimented me? Please look at this small thing I did and praise me! This small thing I did is stupid and doesn't matter. I don't matter."
Maybe these aren't all things typical five year olds say but when I was five- I always felt this way. I don't matter, no one sees me, no matter how hard I try I'll always feel, why don't they like me? I feel afraid and I don't feel comfortable around people.
I'd like to say I'm more high-functioning than the afore-mentioned puddle of a person I can be, and I am...but sometimes I'm just not.
I try to find the root to my problems and flaws, because obviously I don't always want to be a five year old, and I think I've got a handle on this one.
The combination of the age most of my abuse happened (five years old) and my general feelings towards adults and family members greatly affects the mode I revert to when I feel least secure. I feel like I did at the worst time in my life. I find I crave family and parents and general snuggly things more than anyone I know. I try to explain: I love and need gentle unconditional affection. I eat it up! Then I get mad at myself. God dammit! I don't want to "need" anything. Especially CONSTANT affection. And besides, I could get all the affection and acceptance in the world from everyone I know and it still wouldn't be enough. Because these people around me now are not my parents. I don't feel safe and I don't feel quite right because the people who teach you what it is to be loved and to love back broke that bond and so five year old me is still confused, and scared, and overwhelmed and really needs to watch some Little Bear and feel protected from all the scary things that are out there.
I guess I can't be too hard on myself. I don't know one five year old I could look at and say: It's okay to be molested by your mom. No big deal, get over it. Totally normal! Or, it's no big deal your mom tried to commit suicide in front of you for the fifth time this year and that she tried to tell you it was all your fault. That you were just too much to be around so she wanted to end her life. Or, it's okay that your dad says you're always going to come last. That he calls you deceitful and awful and selfish for trying to reach out for help. It's okay that no one has taken care of you and no one ever will. It's okay that you feel alone, and ugly, and ashamed and you're only five. I'd be mortified and you'd be fucking right to think that I would step in and do something about it if I knew someone who went through something like I went through. I suppose a part of me is angry with everyone (which is so beyond unrealistic) for NOT stepping in and rescuing me. The difference it would have made. Always looking for a big rescue....
The funny thing to me is, I used to feel like such an adult, growing up. And I was! Had you met me, you would have thought: Wow, that girl has got it TOGETHER! She's strong, she has a lot on her plate, and she doesn't bat an eye. AND she's loving and patient. Impressive. I don't know if I'm any of those things sometimes.
Maybe it's finally my time to be a regular 5 year old.
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
Monday, August 8, 2011
Dear Parents
Every day, I find new reasons as to why biological parents are so important. Parents are like your very own possession, essentially. It is their duty to love you (and your siblings) and only you (and your siblings) more than anyone else in the world. You are theirs, and they are yours and it's this snuggly very intimate bond. They provide for you, care for you, and protect you- and over everyone else- they look out for you. They care about your life choices, how your day was, what your new haircut looks like, what your favorite shows, books, and outfits are. They like the way you cook and the way you present yourself and they love to watch you grow and develop as a human being. They love all that you are.
Now, every day, I find new reasons to feel sad. I feel sad because my biological parents, though they will say sometimes to other people or maybe even me if I'm lucky that they do love me (they just don't agree with anything I do or the person that I am today) do not love me. The definition of healthy parent to child love is....just unconditional love, support, and the willingness to defend and protect your child. To not feel loved by the woman who gave birth to you, nursed you, and watched you grow....well it just sucks. It more than just sucks but explaining the feelings of rejection and confusion and hurt and shame is just a lot for me. To not feel loved by the man who carried you on his shoulders, shared many a heart to hearts with you, kissed your booboos, and promised you the world is painful. I feel that pain every day and I feel it when I see loving parents. Parents who are proud of their children and would fight the world for them. I deserve those parents. I want those parents. But somehow, I ended up with dysfunctional, unhealthy, unhappy, mean and nasty doo-doo head parents who hate, resent, and reject me. To them: I am a bad person and I am undeserving and dishonest. How I wound up with an alcoholic, suicidal, verbally, physically, and sexually abusive shit pile of a mom- I don't know. How I wound up with a weak, spineless, backstabbing and less than insightful father-I don't know. Obviously, I am angry about the cards I was dealt. (I hope to one day work through that.)Having the parents I had- lacking that stability and love and support kids are supposed to get, I never really trusted any other adult, or person really, to step in and step up and be that unit or that emotional source I needed. People say "I love you like my own" but they don't really mean it. Eventually, when push comes to shove- that biological bond a parent has to their child that says "I am yours and you are mine and that's all I have room for in my heart" becomes obvious. I think I've made the mistake of waiting around for and seeking out replacement parents. And while I've found plenty of wonderful, loving adult role models, I've come to the realization that it's time I become my own "emotional mom and dad." And what I mean by that is, it's time I learn to provide for myself: financially, emotionally....and everything in between. Family is so important to me but I missed the "We all love each other and we're one big happy family" train and now it's time to accept the cards I was given, count my losses, and move on. I don't have parents, I don't consider myself to have family, I'm my own and I'm on my own. In the end, once it stops hurting so bad....I'll be glad I learned to consider myself enough. I am enough family for myself and the friends that come into my life are the icing on the cake.
So in the spirit of closure, here's a letter ( I unfortunately cannot send) to my parents. My parents don't know me and I guess they never will and sometimes I wish I could tell them who I am. But I guess that's cool. I've met myself and I think I'm pretty neat?
Dear mom and dad,
I really like to cook, eat at fancy places, dance around and be silly, and the word I use most out of my vocabulary is "cozy." I'm a nester and I believe in the idea of "home." I don't drink. I don't smoke. I don't party. I love my boyfriend and I love my cat and we're a little family. I work hard, love kids, and I eat fancy cheese spreads. I also love tadpoles and little frogs and I still sleep with my stuffed animal Peanut. I workout, have trouble losing weight, and feel kind of hideous a lot of the time. Sometimes I feel really pretty and I always feel proud of myself and how far I've come. I'm strong, independent, and I make my own money. I bought my first laptop and felt like an official adult. The thought of being a mom scares me, and the thought of being anything like the two of you scares me even more. I don't like baths, scary movies, or suspenseful video games. I still freak out sometimes after sex and I think about you every day...and how much you've hurt me. Sometimes I feel like I did something wrong and I'm a bad person and a bad daughter and I wonder how parents can treat someone the way you treat me. I'm afraid of driving fast, people holding knives, people leaving me, and failure. Things and places that aren't clean make me feel unclean. I cry on my birthdays and Christmas makes me sad. I feel lonely and unloved and very much so unseen. You make me angry. I read your stupid Facebook pages almost every day and think "Why aren't I mentioned? Why don't you talk about how much you love ME? Why do you only talk about how much you love my sister?" Your financial instability makes me afraid for my financial future. Saving and planning and list making are very important to me. I am a very organized person and I'm the person to go to if you want things organized and tidy and made beautiful. I am a master at making things cozy and I celebrate a lot of traditions we shared as a family. I make a lot of the foods we had at home. I love coffee and snow and watching movies cuddled under blankets. My favorite qualities in a person are: being nurturing, being patient, being consistent, and being funky. I have lots of friends and spend lots of time out and about. I feel like no one really likes me very much. I get my nails done, have my hair professionally cut, and take spa trips and coffee trips because I can afford to and I'm allowed to treat myself and when I go, I know if you knew-you would say it was selfish of me. I laugh really loud, wear grey and tie my hair up, even though you think it's unattractive when I do. I'm going to school in 6 months and I'm going to kick butt. And I'm going to do it all on my own. I'm moving to Boston and after that, I'll probably never see you again. Thanks for all the love, help, and support!
Your daughter, Tara.
P.S...... I celebrate the day I moved out like it's a holiday. It's great to be away.
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
Monday, July 4, 2011
Getting Fit and Less Obsessed: Monday, July 4th, 2011 (Beginning Week 8)
Hey, guys!
Sorry I haven't posted my progress the past several weeks. It's always something- a trip to San Diego or a super big breakfast before I was supposed to shoot some pics and a "I'll do it later today"! I'll switch up the format since I've been doing things a little bit differently. The past 3 or 4 weeks, I've been focussing on just doing heavy duty hilly walks with toning exercises afterwards. I do this 5 mile loop with a good friend of mine and we stop at a park and do an hours worth of sprints, ab exercises, punches and kicks, squats, and other toning exercises. It seems to be helping a little bit but I still feel really discouraged about how slowly the process is going. I see little improvements- my butt is more toned and not so saggy, my thighs feel more muscular, my tummy is a little more firm- but I still feel like a gross size and I notice when I put old clothing on that I haven't worn in a while- I just don't fit anymore. Quite saddening! I'm trying to learn how to both be kinder to myself AND more consistent and hard working. These are things that are hard for me! I guess fitness is a life time process and being healthy is a lifestyle- not a timed program. I'm trying to just work on being more and more consistent and I'm better about working out MORE often (though I skip or half ass my workouts semi-frequently) but I'm still terrible about eating right. I'll eat healthy most of the day, but then I'll snag a coffee and some ice cream, or some chocolate milk and a donut, or a whole 2,000 calorie bag of hot cheetos. I notice the more strict I am with myself, the more unhealthy things I binge on. I'm going to have to find a balance because when I'm too tough on myself, I get emotional. When I get emotional, I over-eat. When I over-eat, I beat myself up about it. It's a nasty cycle. (Didn't weigh myself today! Forgot to hop on the scale before I did breakfast and all that jazz.)
Self Assessment
I've been doing a lot of thinking. I have my big move coming up (Boston, MA with the boyfriend!) and I am quaking in my boots, my friends. I'm so beyond stoked and so beyond ready to bail. I think that's kind of the way I tend to be about everything. I'm always all in or all out. I love Ethan, I love adventure, and I need a change, but boy is change scary.
After a brief visit with my parents, I realized several things about myself. As hard and as far as I run from what I recognize as my parents or what my parents do, I'll never be able to stop. We have so many tendencies in common, I've lost count. Every time I meet with my mom or dad, I find new things I hate about them that I hate about myself (and didn't even realize).
I'm brave, I'm a fighter, I'm ambitious. I'm beautiful, resilient, and I'm smart. But boy am I stubborn. Boy, am I a quitter. I shoot for the moon and end up in the water 9 times out of 10. I want things but I don't always know how to do the work to get those things. Most of the time, I don't even recognize my bad behavior. I can be mean, manipulative, sneaky, and hurtful and have no idea that all I'm doing is projecting my insecurities and mimicking my mom's bad behavior. You wouldn't know it, but I'm a really angry person. I piss and moan and judge people all day. In my head. Somehow, I thought saying those things in private or to myself meant I was a kinder, more thoughtful person. It just, unfortunately, makes me dishonest in addition to unkind and thoughtless.
I often do the opposite of what I say. I'm on a diet. I eat ice cream and hot cheetos. I believe in fitness. I stay home and take a nap instead of my planned workout. I believe in being on time. I'm always late to everything. I believe in financial responsibility and saving. I make quick, ill planned purchases often. I believe in being compassionate and loving. I'm withholding and I take more than I give. These are the things I have to work on but I find my list growing! Realizing I have all of these fundamental, big things to be working on right before making the big leap in commitment (financially and romantically) by moving is so overwhelming to me, I don't think I can even explain. It's like I feel as though...if I don't fix all that's wrong with me now, in addition to my relationship, my financial status, and perhaps even my family relationships, they'll never get fixed and I'll end up some repeated version of all the bad aspects of my family.
Maybe my main goal in Boston is to find a great therapist.
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
Recognizing Bullshit
Just this past weekend, I visited my family (probably) one last time. You can read my post soon that talks all about it. I think the easiest way to describe me is probably "hopeful." Maybe even too hopeful. I'm one of those people who expects people to behave rationally and consistently and with compassion. My parents, specifically my mom, don't really possess that whole "rational" or "consistent" or "compassionate" vibe and I'm always disappointed. I think maybe my problem may just be that I'm unable to recognize bullshit.
My mom, I'm convinced, neither hates nor loves us children and her family. What we are to her are pawns. She manipulates whoever sticks around long enough to get attention and make anyone but her look like a "bad person." I don't believe that she feels remorse or guilt or compassion. She just lives for her own short term goals. Unfortunately, I haven't quite learned how to recognize when she's setting us up for another one of her manipulative mind games. She wrote this nasty (incoherent) email to me the morning after my horrifying family-get together.
So then I sent her this:
"Helga: Here's what I have to say about all of this mess:
You're a fat, ugly, selfish, prescription drug addict. You act like a child, you're essentially a retard, socially and functionally. No one likes you. No one likes to be around you. You're verbally abusive, you were physically and sexually abusive and you're just a big fuck up. You know it. You hate yourself so damn much because no one loves you. You don't deserve love. Frankly, you don't deserve to be alive. Where's your success? Where's your "close knit" family? Where's your loving husband? Where's all this respect you MUST have from your family, all your friends, and yourself? You have nothing. Oh, I forgot. You have tons of worthless, hideous collectible shit in your house, foreclosure on your hands, television, and essentially a live in servant you call your husband. Let me ask you this: how often do you get off the couch? How often do you leave your bedroom? How often do you leave the house?
You're a sad sack of shit and I laugh when I think I came from you. You and I are nothing alike. You live to tear people down because you feel so shitty about yourself. Every day you wake up and think to yourself "How can I make more people cater to me and feel sorry for me? How can I bring others down to make myself feel more powerful? How can I get more attention?" You're a fucking loser. I'm shocked you're even still alive, what with all the "suicide attempts" and, you know, the fact that you barely move, let alone exercise or eat right. You're nasty. People like you serve no purpose. I can say in all honesty- I don't love you, I don't care about your well being, and I don't respect you. I have several mom's in my life but you're not one of them. You're lucky to have Anjuli in your life. She's still scared enough of you or worried enough that she'll somehow become you that she still pays any attention to you. Or maybe she just has to pretend to want to be around you, sort of, so she can spend time with baba. He may be weak and dis loyal, but at least he's pleasant. But even he is a waste of time because he really has no personal opinions or beliefs. He just agrees with whoever's around. Must be great for you!
You are a rapist. You fondled me, you made out with me, you made me do sexual favors for you, and you insulted me and berated me while you did it. I'm a liar? You're an alcoholic with a fucked up background. It's not your fault? You were raped by your brother? Or so you say sometimes? I believe you were abused, I really do, and I sympathize. But you had no right to have children if you knew you still were fucked up and had issues of your own to tackle. Oh that's right, you have no insight when it comes to you. You just think you fan-fucking tastic. I talked with my cousin, and you know what? She's a lovely person, we get along, and turns out her dad- part of YOUR family- is just as fucked up and sick as you. He abused his kids, he's an angry mean and nasty person, and he tears down everyone around him. Sound familiar? I'm not the delusional or unhappy or unsuccessful or unlovable one here. It's you and it's always been you and all the hurtful things you say to everyone around you is just a projection of yourself.
I hope you know that when you die, and I'm sure it'll be coming up soon, I'm not coming to your funeral. It would be dishonest. You mean nothing to me. What you are for me is a stepping stone. You have made me a great, strong, independent and compassionate woman because YOU personally put me through so much shit. You made me grow up fast and learn what NOT to do for my children, to my loved ones, and to my partner. You taught me what NOT to do with my money.
Let me tell you about me, since you obviously are unclear on who I am. I work four jobs. I'm a nanny , I work at Macy's, I work for a dog business, and I babysit regularly. I am a hard worker and I have a great work ethic. I have ambition. I am a positive person. I save my money and I think about the next steps I'm going to take- career wise, financially, and emotionally. I progress. I have six months worth of rent (Boston rent) saved, health insurance, a vet bill fund, a furniture fund, money for a new laptop for college, a college fund, a plane ticket fund, an emergency fund, and I'm setting up my retirement fund this month. I save. I'm responsible. I make more money than anyone my age. And I am going to go to school. What'd you do at college? You took fucking theater and literature? What do you do with those degrees? You sit at home and read books because you have no friends or life to experience and then you watch TV all day. You watch the history channel, huh? You watch shit for TV and your brain is SHOT. You come off like an illiterate retard when people meet you. Complete strangers find it uncomfortable to be around you because you're so out of it, drugged up, smelly, and depressing as fuck. I've never been around you ONCE where you didn't threaten suicide. What a pathetic life. You should be in jail getting raped by other nasty ass criminals like yourself. If I wanted to, I could put you there for all that you've done. Along with your spineless husband. You try to sit here and tell me I have no worth. That I'm unlovable? That I'm unattractive. That I have no ambition? Bitch, I'm beautiful, ambitious, lovable, and I do things for myself. Not for other people. I love myself and I love others. What do you do?
Don't fuck with me."
But then she posts shit all over Facebook about how much she loves and worships my sister and how successful her and her boyfriend are and how proud she is of them. And you know what? It HURTS. It makes me so angry to have to admit that I am so beyond jealous that, somehow, in my mom's eyes- my sister is better than me. What did I do wrong? What do I have to do for my own mom to love ME? Just read it.
"We just spent the weekend sending our daughter Anjuli,off to her new life in Shreveport,La. Stephen is starting his Phd. program at LASU.He earned a full ride and a stipend. Amazing in this economy. Friday,her dad helped with packing and Goodwill runs whill I cooked dinner. Saturday,we both went over and dug in. Dumpsters had a busy day. These 2 are fitting everything in their 2 sub-compacts.What they couldn't sell or give away was dumped. There are some really happy homeless people in Belmont today,LOL. It was really heartwarming to see the few things she did make room for. I spotted the "Cabby Patch" doll I made her when she was little and we couldn't afford a real one but I'd found a kit and bought an antique red velvet jumper and white gauze blouse to dress it in. Pots and pans they threw out. Cabby Patch and Pooh and her ghagra dresses she kept. We went home on Saturday night they said they'd follow us and catch a quick nap. Youthful optimism.When they showed up,they went straight to bed. We were happy to tuck them in, cat and ferret included, knowing they would now be able to drive in a straight line. Today's Anjuli's birthday and they are in Vegas. Happy Birthday sweetheart!"
Who IS this person? Is she mean and nasty, is she mommy-dearest? Am I just a bad kid, doing things wrong and missing out on my much-craved mom-attention? Oh, that's right. It's all just bullshit. It takes some serious mental and emotional strength from my part to re-direct my thinking and remind myself that she is, in fact, a crazy person and I do much better without her and my family's influence. Why do people like my parents even exist?
Needless to say, I was in a somewhat emotional place after my interaction with my mom and her stupid email. Not catatonic, but bummed for sure. I just want to share (because it makes me all warm and fuzzy inside) two lovely emails two of my very awesome Pseudo Moms wrote to my mom. Their like my little support-warriors or something.
After I read their emails, I got this super awesome vision of hundreds of emails from all sorts of people being sent to my mom about how lame she is. And it made me happy. And then I thought about egging her! It's mature, I know.
My mom, I'm convinced, neither hates nor loves us children and her family. What we are to her are pawns. She manipulates whoever sticks around long enough to get attention and make anyone but her look like a "bad person." I don't believe that she feels remorse or guilt or compassion. She just lives for her own short term goals. Unfortunately, I haven't quite learned how to recognize when she's setting us up for another one of her manipulative mind games. She wrote this nasty (incoherent) email to me the morning after my horrifying family-get together.
"To Tara:
Soon you will be 20. Will you have a degree? Only the cream of the cream get a job. Cute and delusional doesn't work forever. Only family will love you for who you were. Once people see through you,in 5 years,in 10,you will still be a slightly aging,uneducated,unaccomplished,half-white,oddity. How soon my baby boy became 33 and unmarried,bragging about who he was. By that time,we had 2 kids,our 2nd house,and a lovely life. Stare though the fog. Even The Hyenas will move on-and-how much do you really like jazz?? It-is going to school with female students too. They will share his interests and you share his-bed? Sellout. Fail. Nanny for life. Rich people will always have kids. But even they want college -educated nannies. Your up a creek without a Trader Joe. Don't wear out your tires. There is not one Ganguly or Voith on the planet-or DiGiuseppe or Zeiser,that believes you anymore. You have no family. Do you know why? Because you are a liar. All of us,each one,to some extent,loved you. Over,done. Finished. Goodbye.
So sad."After I read this email, I was a little bit hurt. Her mean digs got to me. "I'm going to amount to nothing, my family hates me, no one is proud of me, I'm so stuck." Then it occurred to me, as it usually does after a good cry- all these emails mean are that my mom is angry. Mostly with herself but also at the fact that she knows I don't really give a shit about her and I don't like her. If anything, it means she wants MY attention.
So then I sent her this:
"Helga: Here's what I have to say about all of this mess:
You're a fat, ugly, selfish, prescription drug addict. You act like a child, you're essentially a retard, socially and functionally. No one likes you. No one likes to be around you. You're verbally abusive, you were physically and sexually abusive and you're just a big fuck up. You know it. You hate yourself so damn much because no one loves you. You don't deserve love. Frankly, you don't deserve to be alive. Where's your success? Where's your "close knit" family? Where's your loving husband? Where's all this respect you MUST have from your family, all your friends, and yourself? You have nothing. Oh, I forgot. You have tons of worthless, hideous collectible shit in your house, foreclosure on your hands, television, and essentially a live in servant you call your husband. Let me ask you this: how often do you get off the couch? How often do you leave your bedroom? How often do you leave the house?
You're a sad sack of shit and I laugh when I think I came from you. You and I are nothing alike. You live to tear people down because you feel so shitty about yourself. Every day you wake up and think to yourself "How can I make more people cater to me and feel sorry for me? How can I bring others down to make myself feel more powerful? How can I get more attention?" You're a fucking loser. I'm shocked you're even still alive, what with all the "suicide attempts" and, you know, the fact that you barely move, let alone exercise or eat right. You're nasty. People like you serve no purpose. I can say in all honesty- I don't love you, I don't care about your well being, and I don't respect you. I have several mom's in my life but you're not one of them. You're lucky to have Anjuli in your life. She's still scared enough of you or worried enough that she'll somehow become you that she still pays any attention to you. Or maybe she just has to pretend to want to be around you, sort of, so she can spend time with baba. He may be weak and dis loyal, but at least he's pleasant. But even he is a waste of time because he really has no personal opinions or beliefs. He just agrees with whoever's around. Must be great for you!
You are a rapist. You fondled me, you made out with me, you made me do sexual favors for you, and you insulted me and berated me while you did it. I'm a liar? You're an alcoholic with a fucked up background. It's not your fault? You were raped by your brother? Or so you say sometimes? I believe you were abused, I really do, and I sympathize. But you had no right to have children if you knew you still were fucked up and had issues of your own to tackle. Oh that's right, you have no insight when it comes to you. You just think you fan-fucking tastic. I talked with my cousin, and you know what? She's a lovely person, we get along, and turns out her dad- part of YOUR family- is just as fucked up and sick as you. He abused his kids, he's an angry mean and nasty person, and he tears down everyone around him. Sound familiar? I'm not the delusional or unhappy or unsuccessful or unlovable one here. It's you and it's always been you and all the hurtful things you say to everyone around you is just a projection of yourself.
I hope you know that when you die, and I'm sure it'll be coming up soon, I'm not coming to your funeral. It would be dishonest. You mean nothing to me. What you are for me is a stepping stone. You have made me a great, strong, independent and compassionate woman because YOU personally put me through so much shit. You made me grow up fast and learn what NOT to do for my children, to my loved ones, and to my partner. You taught me what NOT to do with my money.
Let me tell you about me, since you obviously are unclear on who I am. I work four jobs. I'm a nanny , I work at Macy's, I work for a dog business, and I babysit regularly. I am a hard worker and I have a great work ethic. I have ambition. I am a positive person. I save my money and I think about the next steps I'm going to take- career wise, financially, and emotionally. I progress. I have six months worth of rent (Boston rent) saved, health insurance, a vet bill fund, a furniture fund, money for a new laptop for college, a college fund, a plane ticket fund, an emergency fund, and I'm setting up my retirement fund this month. I save. I'm responsible. I make more money than anyone my age. And I am going to go to school. What'd you do at college? You took fucking theater and literature? What do you do with those degrees? You sit at home and read books because you have no friends or life to experience and then you watch TV all day. You watch the history channel, huh? You watch shit for TV and your brain is SHOT. You come off like an illiterate retard when people meet you. Complete strangers find it uncomfortable to be around you because you're so out of it, drugged up, smelly, and depressing as fuck. I've never been around you ONCE where you didn't threaten suicide. What a pathetic life. You should be in jail getting raped by other nasty ass criminals like yourself. If I wanted to, I could put you there for all that you've done. Along with your spineless husband. You try to sit here and tell me I have no worth. That I'm unlovable? That I'm unattractive. That I have no ambition? Bitch, I'm beautiful, ambitious, lovable, and I do things for myself. Not for other people. I love myself and I love others. What do you do?
Don't fuck with me."
But then she posts shit all over Facebook about how much she loves and worships my sister and how successful her and her boyfriend are and how proud she is of them. And you know what? It HURTS. It makes me so angry to have to admit that I am so beyond jealous that, somehow, in my mom's eyes- my sister is better than me. What did I do wrong? What do I have to do for my own mom to love ME? Just read it.
"We just spent the weekend sending our daughter Anjuli,off to her new life in Shreveport,La. Stephen is starting his Phd. program at LASU.He earned a full ride and a stipend. Amazing in this economy. Friday,her dad helped with packing and Goodwill runs whill I cooked dinner. Saturday,we both went over and dug in. Dumpsters had a busy day. These 2 are fitting everything in their 2 sub-compacts.What they couldn't sell or give away was dumped. There are some really happy homeless people in Belmont today,LOL. It was really heartwarming to see the few things she did make room for. I spotted the "Cabby Patch" doll I made her when she was little and we couldn't afford a real one but I'd found a kit and bought an antique red velvet jumper and white gauze blouse to dress it in. Pots and pans they threw out. Cabby Patch and Pooh and her ghagra dresses she kept. We went home on Saturday night they said they'd follow us and catch a quick nap. Youthful optimism.When they showed up,they went straight to bed. We were happy to tuck them in, cat and ferret included, knowing they would now be able to drive in a straight line. Today's Anjuli's birthday and they are in Vegas. Happy Birthday sweetheart!"
Who IS this person? Is she mean and nasty, is she mommy-dearest? Am I just a bad kid, doing things wrong and missing out on my much-craved mom-attention? Oh, that's right. It's all just bullshit. It takes some serious mental and emotional strength from my part to re-direct my thinking and remind myself that she is, in fact, a crazy person and I do much better without her and my family's influence. Why do people like my parents even exist?
Needless to say, I was in a somewhat emotional place after my interaction with my mom and her stupid email. Not catatonic, but bummed for sure. I just want to share (because it makes me all warm and fuzzy inside) two lovely emails two of my very awesome Pseudo Moms wrote to my mom. Their like my little support-warriors or something.
"When Tara was placed in my class a few years ago, I thought to myself, wow, what an articulate, funny, sweet, caring, talented, stunning young woman. She reached out to other students who were having a difficult time. She had intelligent ideas to contribute to class. She produced great artwork. I was delighted to get to teach this student since she was such a positive addition to our class.
It was only after knowing her for over a year that I learned of her struggles at home. When I began to realize the scope and scale of issues she was dealing with, I was shocked (and impressed) that she had managed to come to school each day, keep up with her challenging classes, and maintain a positive attitude. I wanted to report her case to Child Protective Services, but she had just turned 18 a week before and no longer qualified for their intervention.
I have been an educator for over 20 years. It is my personal and professional opinion that a parent’s number one responsibility must always be to love and protect one’s child. The things Tara has had to endure while under your “care” are horrific. And the failure of Tara’s father to remove his children from this abusive nightmare makes him just as guilty in my mind.
In case you feel Tara has misrepresented you, let me say this, I have personally read a few of your emails/texts/facebook posts to Tara (your own words). You manage to say more toxic and cruel statements in one paragraph than my mother has said to me in a lifetime. Even during my most awkward, scrawny, pimply-faced, teenaged years, my mother made me feel beautiful. She still tells me regularly. When I didn’t know what to do with my life, she made me feel like I could do anything. Her love and support has been unwavering. That love and consistency has been the solid foundation on which I have built my life.
So, even if I knew none of the history between you and Tara, other than what I gleaned from your writings, I would know that you are cruel. When Tara tells me what she had to endure, I believe her because she has always been straight with me, her stories have been consistent, and your own toxic writings tell me that there is something going on under your roof that is horribly disturbing.
I wish you and your daughter didn’t have this terrifying, dysfunctional history, because if you could see her as a loving mother would, you would be so proud of her. I have worked with over 3000 children. Tara is one of the most resilient, tough, determined, responsible people I know.
The silver lining to the dark cloud of Tara’s childhood is that I get to have this amazing young woman in my life. Tara is family to me and I know the Heyengas feel the same way. How lucky for us that we get this strong, fun, talented, charming, hardworking, smart, fierce person in our worlds.
I recognize that you are incapable of having a loving, healthy relationship with Tara, so I would like to ask you politely to leave her alone. After all she has been through, it seems only fair that she be given a fresh start and an opportunity to heal."
"Helga -- Why do you continue to harangue Tara with these at-best obnoxious and pathetic, probably intended to be evil emails telling her what a loser she is??. GIven where you are in your life, and what a failure of a life it appears to be, you have no soapbox to stand on, no high horse to look down from. You don't model ANY good behavior as a mother or female figure. You have defnitely taught her what NOT to do or behave like, so there is that. What are you doing with your college degree? what important and exciting work are you doing? do you exercise daily? do you eat thoughtfully and carefully? did you raise your kids well or do they all have major issues with you? You have a lot of nerve throwing this stuff at Tara when your own house is in such disrepair. Could you support yourself if your husband came to his senseTara is going to Boston in part because of Ethan of course, but also because she wants to be brave enough to learn a new and exciting city and grow as a person. She will definitely go to college, and while we don't have much money we will help her out a bit as best we can. I don't think young women attach themselves to college jazz musicians thinking she will be rich and have a free pass. I am quite sure Tara is aware that Ethan will meet girls in college -- just as Tara will meet guys (men find her extremely beautiful and flirt with her a lot, and to her credit she doesn't buy into it because she has a boyfriend and doesn't play those games to boost her self-esteem). They are young and may well "take a break" or not last as partners. If they are meant to be together it will happen. Ethan and Tara both know that Tara is part of our family now regardless of their status as boyfriend & girlfriend. They have a strong friendship and the "worst case" scenario is that they become friends and family, and ensure their mutual partners like each other so that they will both have richer lives with more people to "connect the dots" should their romance end, as will Tom and myself. Either way our circle of family and people we love grows. How is your family growing? been getting visits from your baby boy much? does he call just to say hello because he enjoys chatting with you?You have been such a toxic influence to Tara, but you don't hold power over anyone outside of your family. You are able to prey on small children and now that Tara has seen how healthy people live, that daily life can be constant and fun and supportive and normal, there is no going back for her. You did your best to break her but she is strong and smart and you were not able to break her spirit. She can heal and have a positive life.I feel sorry for you because you will never have those things, and did not get the help you desperately and clearly needed to make yourself emotionally well when it was a possibility.I don't know why Tara reads your emails frankly.... but expect at some point she will put a block on them or just delete them without reading them."
After I read their emails, I got this super awesome vision of hundreds of emails from all sorts of people being sent to my mom about how lame she is. And it made me happy. And then I thought about egging her! It's mature, I know.
Saturday, June 25, 2011
Sex+Sexual Abuse: Obsessively Compulsive
I hate mess. I hate, hate, hate it! I hate dirty bathrooms, unwashed laundry, messy piles, dusty rooms, un-vacuumed areas, and clutter. I hate dirt feet touching my bed, messy hand writing, and things that aren't color coded. Some days I'm better than others but if I'm having a high stress day or I'm in an emotional, sad place and I come home to my room being a mess (even if I made the mess) I flip out. It makes me anxious and angry and itchy and I feel unclean. I feel trapped.
I rearrange my furniture in my room, on average, once a month. Before I moved out it used to be more often. I clean my room twice a week. I hate to leave the house without a shower. Even to go to the grocery store. If those things aren't done- I feel gross about myself. Maybe I do need to work on it.
I HATE baths. Can't stand them. I was sexually abused by my mom in a tub and one of the things I always remembered was that the tub was always scummy. There'd be like, nasty ass hairs from my dad, some pubic hairs stuck to the walls, and this weird brown scum. It grossed me out. Obviously it's one of those triggers I have from the abuse I experienced, but now I just in general can't stand baths and the thought of baths. I get catatonic.
I think my reason for posting this is I wonder- do any of you get this way? Does any one else have things they get controlling about in their own environment? How do you choose to work through it or accept it as a part of your make-up?
A Letter to My Mom
Here's what I have to say about all of this mess:
You're a fat, ugly, selfish, prescription drug addict. You act like a child, you're essentially a retard, socially and functionally. No one likes you. No one likes to be around you. You're verbally abusive, you were physically and sexually abusive and you're just a big fuck up. You know it. You hate yourself so damn much because no one loves you. You don't deserve love. Frankly, you don't deserve to be alive. Where's your success? Where's your "close knit" family? Where's your loving husband? Where's all this respect you MUST have from your family, all your friends, and yourself? You have nothing. Oh, I forgot. You have tons of worthless, hideous collectible shit in your house, foreclosure on your hands, television, and essentially a live in servant you call your husband. Let me ask you this: how often do you get off the couch? How often do you leave your bedroom? How often do you leave the house?
You're a sad sack of shit and I laugh when I think I came from you. You and I are nothing alike. You live to tear people down because you feel so shitty about yourself. Every day you wake up and think to yourself "How can I make more people cater to me and feel sorry for me? How can I bring others down to make myself feel more powerful? How can I get more attention?" You're a fucking loser. I'm shocked you're even still alive, what with all the "suicide attempts" and, you know, the fact that you barely move, let alone exercise or eat right. You're nasty. People like you serve no purpose. I can say in all honesty- I don't love you, I don't care about your well being, and I don't respect you. I have several mom's in my life but you're not one of them. You're lucky to have Anjuli in your life. She's still scared enough of you or worried enough that she'll somehow become you that she still pays any attention to you. Or maybe she just has to pretend to want to be around you, sort of, so she can spend time with baba. He may be weak and dis loyal, but at least he's pleasant. But even he is a waste of time because he really has no personal opinions or beliefs. He just agrees with whoever's around. Must be great for you!
You are a rapist. You fondled me, you made out with me, you made me do sexual favors for you, and you insulted me and berated me while you did it. I'm a liar? You're an alcoholic with a fucked up background. It's not your fault? You were raped by your brother? Or so you say sometimes? I believe you were abused, I really do, and I sympathize. But you had no right to have children if you knew you still were fucked up and had issues of your own to tackle. Oh that's right, you have no insight when it comes to you. You just think you fan-fucking tastic. I talked with my cousin, and you know what? She's a lovely person, we get along, and turns out her dad- part of YOUR family- is just as fucked up and sick as you. He abused his kids, he's an angry mean and nasty person, and he tears down everyone around him. Sound familiar? I'm not the delusional or unhappy or unsuccessful or unlovable one here. It's you and it's always been you and all the hurtful things you say to everyone around you is just a projection of yourself.
I hope you know that when you die, and I'm sure it'll be coming up soon, I'm not coming to your funeral. It would be dishonest. You mean nothing to me. What you are for me is a stepping stone. You have made me a great, strong, independent and compassionate woman because YOU personally put me through so much shit. You made me grow up fast and learn what NOT to do for my children, to my loved ones, and to my partner. You taught me what NOT to do with my money.
Let me tell you about me, since you obviously are unclear on who I am. I work four jobs. I'm a nanny , I work at Macy's, I work for a dog business, and I babysit regularly. I am a hard worker and I have a great work ethic. I have ambition. I am a positive person. I save my money and I think about the next steps I'm going to take- career wise, financially, and emotionally. I progress. I have six months worth of rent (Boston rent) saved, health insurance, a vet bill fund, a furniture fund, money for a new laptop for college, a college fund, a plane ticket fund, an emergency fund, and I'm setting up my retirement fund this month. I save. I'm responsible. I make more money than anyone my age. And I am going to go to school. What'd you do at college? You took fucking theater and literature? What do you do with those degrees? You sit at home and read books because you have no friends or life to experience and then you watch TV all day. You watch the history channel, huh? You watch shit for TV and your brain is SHOT. You come off like an illiterate retard when people meet you. Complete strangers find it uncomfortable to be around you because you're so out of it, drugged up, smelly, and depressing as fuck. I've never been around you ONCE where you didn't threaten suicide. What a pathetic life. You should be in jail getting raped by other nasty ass criminals like yourself. If I wanted to, I could put you there for all that you've done. Along with your spineless husband. You try to sit here and tell me I have no worth. That I'm unlovable? That I'm unattractive. That I have no ambition? Bitch, I'm beautiful, ambitious, lovable, and I do things for myself. Not for other people. I love myself and I love others. What do you do?
Don't fuck with me.
You're a fat, ugly, selfish, prescription drug addict. You act like a child, you're essentially a retard, socially and functionally. No one likes you. No one likes to be around you. You're verbally abusive, you were physically and sexually abusive and you're just a big fuck up. You know it. You hate yourself so damn much because no one loves you. You don't deserve love. Frankly, you don't deserve to be alive. Where's your success? Where's your "close knit" family? Where's your loving husband? Where's all this respect you MUST have from your family, all your friends, and yourself? You have nothing. Oh, I forgot. You have tons of worthless, hideous collectible shit in your house, foreclosure on your hands, television, and essentially a live in servant you call your husband. Let me ask you this: how often do you get off the couch? How often do you leave your bedroom? How often do you leave the house?
You're a sad sack of shit and I laugh when I think I came from you. You and I are nothing alike. You live to tear people down because you feel so shitty about yourself. Every day you wake up and think to yourself "How can I make more people cater to me and feel sorry for me? How can I bring others down to make myself feel more powerful? How can I get more attention?" You're a fucking loser. I'm shocked you're even still alive, what with all the "suicide attempts" and, you know, the fact that you barely move, let alone exercise or eat right. You're nasty. People like you serve no purpose. I can say in all honesty- I don't love you, I don't care about your well being, and I don't respect you. I have several mom's in my life but you're not one of them. You're lucky to have Anjuli in your life. She's still scared enough of you or worried enough that she'll somehow become you that she still pays any attention to you. Or maybe she just has to pretend to want to be around you, sort of, so she can spend time with baba. He may be weak and dis loyal, but at least he's pleasant. But even he is a waste of time because he really has no personal opinions or beliefs. He just agrees with whoever's around. Must be great for you!
You are a rapist. You fondled me, you made out with me, you made me do sexual favors for you, and you insulted me and berated me while you did it. I'm a liar? You're an alcoholic with a fucked up background. It's not your fault? You were raped by your brother? Or so you say sometimes? I believe you were abused, I really do, and I sympathize. But you had no right to have children if you knew you still were fucked up and had issues of your own to tackle. Oh that's right, you have no insight when it comes to you. You just think you fan-fucking tastic. I talked with my cousin, and you know what? She's a lovely person, we get along, and turns out her dad- part of YOUR family- is just as fucked up and sick as you. He abused his kids, he's an angry mean and nasty person, and he tears down everyone around him. Sound familiar? I'm not the delusional or unhappy or unsuccessful or unlovable one here. It's you and it's always been you and all the hurtful things you say to everyone around you is just a projection of yourself.
I hope you know that when you die, and I'm sure it'll be coming up soon, I'm not coming to your funeral. It would be dishonest. You mean nothing to me. What you are for me is a stepping stone. You have made me a great, strong, independent and compassionate woman because YOU personally put me through so much shit. You made me grow up fast and learn what NOT to do for my children, to my loved ones, and to my partner. You taught me what NOT to do with my money.
Let me tell you about me, since you obviously are unclear on who I am. I work four jobs. I'm a nanny , I work at Macy's, I work for a dog business, and I babysit regularly. I am a hard worker and I have a great work ethic. I have ambition. I am a positive person. I save my money and I think about the next steps I'm going to take- career wise, financially, and emotionally. I progress. I have six months worth of rent (Boston rent) saved, health insurance, a vet bill fund, a furniture fund, money for a new laptop for college, a college fund, a plane ticket fund, an emergency fund, and I'm setting up my retirement fund this month. I save. I'm responsible. I make more money than anyone my age. And I am going to go to school. What'd you do at college? You took fucking theater and literature? What do you do with those degrees? You sit at home and read books because you have no friends or life to experience and then you watch TV all day. You watch the history channel, huh? You watch shit for TV and your brain is SHOT. You come off like an illiterate retard when people meet you. Complete strangers find it uncomfortable to be around you because you're so out of it, drugged up, smelly, and depressing as fuck. I've never been around you ONCE where you didn't threaten suicide. What a pathetic life. You should be in jail getting raped by other nasty ass criminals like yourself. If I wanted to, I could put you there for all that you've done. Along with your spineless husband. You try to sit here and tell me I have no worth. That I'm unlovable? That I'm unattractive. That I have no ambition? Bitch, I'm beautiful, ambitious, lovable, and I do things for myself. Not for other people. I love myself and I love others. What do you do?
Don't fuck with me.
A Letter From my Mom
To Tara:
Soon you will be 20. Will you have a degree? Only the cream of the cream get a job. Cute and delusional doesn't work forever. Only family will love you for who you were. Once people see through you,in 5 years,in 10,you will still be a slightly aging,uneducated,unaccomplished,half-white,oddity. How soon my baby boy became 33 and unmarried,bragging about who he was. By that time,we had 2 kids,our 2nd house,and a lovely life. Stare though the fog. Even The Hyenas will move on-and-how much do you really like jazz?? It-is going to school with female students too. They will share his interests and you share his-bed? Sellout. Fail. Nanny for life. Rich people will always have kids. But even they want college -educated nannies. Your up a creek without a Trader Joe. Don't wear out your tires. There is not one Ganguly or Voith on the planet-or DiGiuseppe or Zeiser,that believes you anymore. You have no family. Do you know why? Because you are a liar. All of us,each one,to some extent,loved you. Over,done. Finished. Goodbye.
So sad.
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
Dysfunction and Rebuilding: Ruining Children
I'm a nanny. I work with children. I LOVE kids. Well, part of me does. They're great when they love you back, snuggle up close, or learn new things but they scare the he'll out of me when they kick and scream, tell me who's boss, or have any sort of tantrum. Children overwhelm me sometimes. I internalize what people say, and little people do not have sensors.
Not only do children overwhelm me, I overwhelm myself when I'm around kids or think about having kids of my own! What if I screw them up? What if I say the wrong thing? What was I supposed to say in that meaningful pep talk about failure or boys or doing the right thing? What if I was too strict, or inappropriate, or took my issues out on this little precious innocent being? What if I don't like kids, I just think I do? Am I too selfish to nurture children?
What if I hurt them?
I notice a lot of women who come from sexual abuse, dysfunctional families, or have just generally been abused feel the way I do. They love and want children and children play an important role in their lives, but they're afraid they're too screwed up to love their own child. I often wonder if I'll turn into my mom if and when I have a baby. Am I more like her now than I care to think? When you damage a child, it's too late to go back and rethink your parenting style, or whether or not you're even prepared for one.
Now let's step back. So having a child is far into the future when you're nineteen and not trying to have a baby. Besides, not everyone has children. Its not a written law. But the skills that go along with raising a child are still so, so important. Being selfless, planning ahead with someone else in mind, being patient, being maternal, being loving, being a good example. So many aspects of being a strong, loving mom apply to being a strong, loving person (which is what I strive to be). Am I those things? Will I ever be those things? If I appear to be those things, is it genuine?
I work with children and I often think to myself- what did I get myself into?! I suck at this job. Kids hurt my feelings, they bring up bad memories of my own childhood, I find myself feeling jealous when a child I know and care for gets better treatment than I did, whether it be because their parent doesn't treat me well or my parents didn't treat me as well as their parents treat them and I feel as though I've missed out big time.... I'm a mess! I over react when a child "defies" me and tells me one thing and does another (as preteens often do). My expectations are too high and inappropriate for the kids ages and abilities. I take things personally. And I hold grudges. When I'm in new babysitting-territory and things get tough and foreign- my default reaction is to act the way my parents would have reacted if that child was me. I know that default is wrong, I try to correct it, but I see myself making the same mistakes over and over again. Am I improving? Does it getting better with age? Will it be different if thats my own child? Am I normal? Will I ever learn? How can people let me be around them when I'm so damn toxic? These are the question I have.
Then there's genetics. Now I don't know if I always but the whole nature over nurture thing- I'm definitely a "it's all about nurture and how you were raised" kind of person but....I have to say. My genes are pretty fucked up! We have a lot of crazy, emotional, depressed, angry, addictive personalities in my family. Is that because of how we were all raised or is there something to be said for my crazy ass genes? If so- I sure as fuck don't want to be passing that on. So then adoption? That's a whole NEW can of worms.
Oh boy, is all I can say. Thank god I have time to think it out and get my shit together.
Not only do children overwhelm me, I overwhelm myself when I'm around kids or think about having kids of my own! What if I screw them up? What if I say the wrong thing? What was I supposed to say in that meaningful pep talk about failure or boys or doing the right thing? What if I was too strict, or inappropriate, or took my issues out on this little precious innocent being? What if I don't like kids, I just think I do? Am I too selfish to nurture children?
What if I hurt them?
I notice a lot of women who come from sexual abuse, dysfunctional families, or have just generally been abused feel the way I do. They love and want children and children play an important role in their lives, but they're afraid they're too screwed up to love their own child. I often wonder if I'll turn into my mom if and when I have a baby. Am I more like her now than I care to think? When you damage a child, it's too late to go back and rethink your parenting style, or whether or not you're even prepared for one.
Now let's step back. So having a child is far into the future when you're nineteen and not trying to have a baby. Besides, not everyone has children. Its not a written law. But the skills that go along with raising a child are still so, so important. Being selfless, planning ahead with someone else in mind, being patient, being maternal, being loving, being a good example. So many aspects of being a strong, loving mom apply to being a strong, loving person (which is what I strive to be). Am I those things? Will I ever be those things? If I appear to be those things, is it genuine?
I work with children and I often think to myself- what did I get myself into?! I suck at this job. Kids hurt my feelings, they bring up bad memories of my own childhood, I find myself feeling jealous when a child I know and care for gets better treatment than I did, whether it be because their parent doesn't treat me well or my parents didn't treat me as well as their parents treat them and I feel as though I've missed out big time.... I'm a mess! I over react when a child "defies" me and tells me one thing and does another (as preteens often do). My expectations are too high and inappropriate for the kids ages and abilities. I take things personally. And I hold grudges. When I'm in new babysitting-territory and things get tough and foreign- my default reaction is to act the way my parents would have reacted if that child was me. I know that default is wrong, I try to correct it, but I see myself making the same mistakes over and over again. Am I improving? Does it getting better with age? Will it be different if thats my own child? Am I normal? Will I ever learn? How can people let me be around them when I'm so damn toxic? These are the question I have.
Then there's genetics. Now I don't know if I always but the whole nature over nurture thing- I'm definitely a "it's all about nurture and how you were raised" kind of person but....I have to say. My genes are pretty fucked up! We have a lot of crazy, emotional, depressed, angry, addictive personalities in my family. Is that because of how we were all raised or is there something to be said for my crazy ass genes? If so- I sure as fuck don't want to be passing that on. So then adoption? That's a whole NEW can of worms.
Oh boy, is all I can say. Thank god I have time to think it out and get my shit together.
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
Tripping Balls
Dear Readers (Whoever you are....)
Currently, I am tripping balls. I have a move quickly (and mercilessly) approaching, boyfriend issues, job drama, I work way too much, I don't make enough money, I act like a bitch, and I am spiraling OUT OF CONTROL (quietly.) I haven't written much lately because everything I think I have to say ends up feeling stupid, not genuine, and useless. I feel like, "who am I to talk and advise people or guide people when I'm such a nut case myself?" My answer is: right now I don't feel like I do know who I am. Do I have grounds to talk about my experiences like I know shit or handle things anywhere close to "well"? Do I even have experiences that matter? Are people irritated with what I have to say? Do people think I'm talking out of my ass? I am so paralyzed
Blogging was amazing for me (and still can be and will be I think) but it's like starting therapy. I brought up a lot of old stuff I was locking away in a cute little box and I opened that box....and a shit storm has commenced! These old feelings and insecurities and doubts and fears came rushing back and I do not have the tools to say "You are not welcome. You can leave now!"
Today, alone, I cried in front of one of my bosses and spilled my stupid guts, got a pep talk about being less negative (which made me feel like shit) then I cried like a bitch on my drive home to some Maria Mena and MIA (great stuff) and then out of nowhere: it hit.
Suicidey, makes bad decisions Tara. I'm sitting in my car thinking about cutting, or shooting myself, or starving myself, or crashing my car (Ethan's car-I didn't earn it. It's not mine.) Or just never coming home. Then I start bawling. I'm thinking, "FUCK! Life sucks, I sound like a whiny little bitch and no one wants to be around this, me, or my feelings. I don't deserve anything." Which of course makes it all worse.
I sit in my car and I try to figure out where this sudden crazy, unbalanced, really annoying me came from this time. Hmmmmm.....
Well, today my boss (who I sometimes think of as my cool-mommy which is totally unprofessional and retarded, especially since she probably thinks I do a crap job) got herself, her boyfriend, and her daughter new iPhones. They bought a laptop too. Somehow I thought I was getting a laptop? Again, unprofessional and irrational but I thought I had picked up some sort of hint about her potentially helping me out with getting a much needed new computer as a going away kinda thing. I did not get a laptop. I was PISSED OFF. Then I felt irritated and anxious- like, why am I being so ridiculous? She's not my mommy- she's my boss. I'm lucky she gives me what she does. Oh yeah. I wish I had a mommy who gave ME things and spoiled ME and I often confuse any and all adult figures who show me an ounce of kindness or understanding with my new replacement mommy or daddy. Fucktard. So then I got really angry. Like, I wanted to punch things and break things and snap necks. Then I was angry at myself for being angry! It was a total hate-on-Tara day. Then I got all weepy and clingy and exhausted and feeling the need for any and all lovies I could get.
I texted my dad (yet again) asking if he wanted to go for a walk or grab some coffee (which he never responded to) and I became even more disappointed. I have no mom. I have no dad. My brother and sister think I'm some sort of piss-ant fuckwit who thinks all things will be handed to me and lives in a selfish, princess lala land where I mistreat anyone and everyone because I think I can. So fuck them because they hate me and I feel deprived of family and love and I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me right now. No one from my biological family, the people who have known me the longest, loves me. I suck and I am unlovable and selfish and stupid. I'm going to be alone for the rest of my life.
Then I started panicking about my relationship. Oh my god I move in two months with this person who's super motivated, super busy, going to be super socially connected, and is super handsome and could basically get whatever chick he wanted. Where do I fit into this equation? I don't. I'm a crazy, selfish, neurotic person who takes up way too much time, requires way too much effort, and will never be a fully functioning happy person to be with. Right? I don't know. I don't have the answers. What if we break up in Boston? I can't afford that shit! Where will I go? Who will I stay with? I won't have a car. No one will love me. Ethan won't love me. I'll have no friends. This is a bad scenario I want no part in. What if we move and it's amazing and I love the city and I find a great job and I take a dance class and an art class and find an awesome therapist and Ethan's friends are kickass and we all get along and they like me for me and actually think I have value and I won't just be "Ethan's girlfriend"? But what if everyone in Boston does hella drugs, drinks all the time, and are way more intelligent and academically focussed than I am? I can fit in with that. What if I hate snow? What if I go broke? What if my parents die while I'm in Boston? Do I visit? Do I not? Will I be happy or sad? Should I even care about being in a relationship? Should I be taking this more seriously or less seriously? Is he a fantastic boyfriend or a bad boyfriend? Am I a bad girlfriend? Am I a bad friend? Am I a bad person? Will I be a bad mom? Should I just never be a mom? Do I have bad "crazy" genes I could pass on?
Then my body image issues. I'm eating 900 calories a day, hating eating anything, feeling like everything I do is never enough, and I feel like this fat ugly cow stomping around. This guy hit on me the other day and I literally yelled at him. He said I was beautiful and that he wanted my number and at first I was all excited, like, hey, confidence booster! Then I realized- he's probably just in on this thing with his friends where he thought it'd be funny to make get all giddy and happy when really he's going back to his buddies to talk about fat and cottage cheesy I am and how I have FOB nerd face and no tits. I told him to fuck off and leave me alone. Then I felt like an ass hole. I'm a bitch.
I put clothes on, look at myself, and cry. How can it be so easy for people to look so thin and so hard for me to just be consistent, eat healthy normal things, workout, and lose weight? Where is my mommy who steps in and says, "you look so beautiful, I can't believe I get to have you as my daughter." Where's my awesome, all for me, support system? Obviously, I don't deserve one.
Today, I feel like shit. I hope tomorrow, or some time very soon, I'll pull myself together and find some wisdom......or something....to talk about.
Currently, I am tripping balls. I have a move quickly (and mercilessly) approaching, boyfriend issues, job drama, I work way too much, I don't make enough money, I act like a bitch, and I am spiraling OUT OF CONTROL (quietly.) I haven't written much lately because everything I think I have to say ends up feeling stupid, not genuine, and useless. I feel like, "who am I to talk and advise people or guide people when I'm such a nut case myself?" My answer is: right now I don't feel like I do know who I am. Do I have grounds to talk about my experiences like I know shit or handle things anywhere close to "well"? Do I even have experiences that matter? Are people irritated with what I have to say? Do people think I'm talking out of my ass? I am so paralyzed
Blogging was amazing for me (and still can be and will be I think) but it's like starting therapy. I brought up a lot of old stuff I was locking away in a cute little box and I opened that box....and a shit storm has commenced! These old feelings and insecurities and doubts and fears came rushing back and I do not have the tools to say "You are not welcome. You can leave now!"
Today, alone, I cried in front of one of my bosses and spilled my stupid guts, got a pep talk about being less negative (which made me feel like shit) then I cried like a bitch on my drive home to some Maria Mena and MIA (great stuff) and then out of nowhere: it hit.
Suicidey, makes bad decisions Tara. I'm sitting in my car thinking about cutting, or shooting myself, or starving myself, or crashing my car (Ethan's car-I didn't earn it. It's not mine.) Or just never coming home. Then I start bawling. I'm thinking, "FUCK! Life sucks, I sound like a whiny little bitch and no one wants to be around this, me, or my feelings. I don't deserve anything." Which of course makes it all worse.
I sit in my car and I try to figure out where this sudden crazy, unbalanced, really annoying me came from this time. Hmmmmm.....
Well, today my boss (who I sometimes think of as my cool-mommy which is totally unprofessional and retarded, especially since she probably thinks I do a crap job) got herself, her boyfriend, and her daughter new iPhones. They bought a laptop too. Somehow I thought I was getting a laptop? Again, unprofessional and irrational but I thought I had picked up some sort of hint about her potentially helping me out with getting a much needed new computer as a going away kinda thing. I did not get a laptop. I was PISSED OFF. Then I felt irritated and anxious- like, why am I being so ridiculous? She's not my mommy- she's my boss. I'm lucky she gives me what she does. Oh yeah. I wish I had a mommy who gave ME things and spoiled ME and I often confuse any and all adult figures who show me an ounce of kindness or understanding with my new replacement mommy or daddy. Fucktard. So then I got really angry. Like, I wanted to punch things and break things and snap necks. Then I was angry at myself for being angry! It was a total hate-on-Tara day. Then I got all weepy and clingy and exhausted and feeling the need for any and all lovies I could get.
I texted my dad (yet again) asking if he wanted to go for a walk or grab some coffee (which he never responded to) and I became even more disappointed. I have no mom. I have no dad. My brother and sister think I'm some sort of piss-ant fuckwit who thinks all things will be handed to me and lives in a selfish, princess lala land where I mistreat anyone and everyone because I think I can. So fuck them because they hate me and I feel deprived of family and love and I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me right now. No one from my biological family, the people who have known me the longest, loves me. I suck and I am unlovable and selfish and stupid. I'm going to be alone for the rest of my life.
Then I started panicking about my relationship. Oh my god I move in two months with this person who's super motivated, super busy, going to be super socially connected, and is super handsome and could basically get whatever chick he wanted. Where do I fit into this equation? I don't. I'm a crazy, selfish, neurotic person who takes up way too much time, requires way too much effort, and will never be a fully functioning happy person to be with. Right? I don't know. I don't have the answers. What if we break up in Boston? I can't afford that shit! Where will I go? Who will I stay with? I won't have a car. No one will love me. Ethan won't love me. I'll have no friends. This is a bad scenario I want no part in. What if we move and it's amazing and I love the city and I find a great job and I take a dance class and an art class and find an awesome therapist and Ethan's friends are kickass and we all get along and they like me for me and actually think I have value and I won't just be "Ethan's girlfriend"? But what if everyone in Boston does hella drugs, drinks all the time, and are way more intelligent and academically focussed than I am? I can fit in with that. What if I hate snow? What if I go broke? What if my parents die while I'm in Boston? Do I visit? Do I not? Will I be happy or sad? Should I even care about being in a relationship? Should I be taking this more seriously or less seriously? Is he a fantastic boyfriend or a bad boyfriend? Am I a bad girlfriend? Am I a bad friend? Am I a bad person? Will I be a bad mom? Should I just never be a mom? Do I have bad "crazy" genes I could pass on?
Then my body image issues. I'm eating 900 calories a day, hating eating anything, feeling like everything I do is never enough, and I feel like this fat ugly cow stomping around. This guy hit on me the other day and I literally yelled at him. He said I was beautiful and that he wanted my number and at first I was all excited, like, hey, confidence booster! Then I realized- he's probably just in on this thing with his friends where he thought it'd be funny to make get all giddy and happy when really he's going back to his buddies to talk about fat and cottage cheesy I am and how I have FOB nerd face and no tits. I told him to fuck off and leave me alone. Then I felt like an ass hole. I'm a bitch.
I put clothes on, look at myself, and cry. How can it be so easy for people to look so thin and so hard for me to just be consistent, eat healthy normal things, workout, and lose weight? Where is my mommy who steps in and says, "you look so beautiful, I can't believe I get to have you as my daughter." Where's my awesome, all for me, support system? Obviously, I don't deserve one.
Today, I feel like shit. I hope tomorrow, or some time very soon, I'll pull myself together and find some wisdom......or something....to talk about.
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