Dysfunction and Rebuilding: Trouble With the Ladies

    I have to kick my own ass to make, have, and keep friends. I suck at it. I'm even worse at it when I'm dating. Every Sunday, while I'm planning my week, setting my financial goals, setting aside time to do chores- I literally have to pencil in "call so and so" or "email such and such" or even "spend time with someone." If I don't set aside time to have friends- I don't have them.

  Do you ever notice, if you come from dysfunction, how complicated friendship can get? I don't get women. I have female friends, and I admire tons of gorgeous, fabulous ladies I know, but I just can never understand or read what they're thinking or how they feel about me. When I make plans with a female friend, go to a woman- a mom or a teacher- for advice- I panic and agonize and replay my conversation and interactions with them over and over in my head. I always come away feeling like they hate me or they spent time with me as some sort of pity thing or an inside joke. "Did they say they liked my outfit because they thought I looked fat in it?" "Are they mad at me because I talked too much? Didn't talk enough? Dressed too fancy? Was five minutes late? Mentioned my boyfriend too many times?" "Did they compliment my makeup because they felt like my face was ugly?" "Did they say they really liked how ambitious I am because they know I'll fall flat on my face and I'm really just a nobody?" "Did they say they liked spending time with me because they'd wish I'd leave them alone?"

  When I think I might run into my mom, or if I have to go over to visit, I go into this weird sort of survival-obsessive-primping mode. I spend two hours on hair and makeup. I try on all the outfits I have. I yell at myself. Freak out five or six times about how fat I've gotten. Try three shades of lipstick. "You look like death warmed over, put on some lipstick," my mom would say to me. "You're wearing too much makeup. Who are you trying to impress?" "Suck it in," she'd say. "You're so obsessed with running and what you look like- don't you worry about how neurotic people will think you are?" Everything I did was wrong. Never good enough. She'd always set me up to fall. One time when I was maybe nine, my mom gave me this beautiful summer dress of hers to try on. It was gathered at the top, came down to my knees, and was a royal blue with red flowers. She handed to me like it was her child and told me how she wore it just before her wedding. That she was in her 20's then and weighed 100 pounds. I put it on. I remember that pause-before she said anything. I thought, maybe since it was hers and she loved it so much, she'd love me in it. She kind of giggled and commented on how I barely fit into it- that I would stretch it out and ruin it. She looked at me like I was some sort of pug in a stupid tutu. She always complained about my sister- said she "stole her body." It was a mean, unfair thing of her to say but I always wished she'd say it about me. She didn't.  Some mornings, I wouldn't come out, afraid of what she'd have to say about "today's look." How ugly I was this time.

   Besides appearances, my mom just made everything into a competition. Between me and her. Between my sister and I. Between my friends and I. I never learned to accept the good in myself AND in other's- so I find it hard now to have female friends I don't constantly try to measure up to or out-shine. I even find myself feeling like my character is being judged when I go shopping for clothes or something pretty. Like, somehow, the sales associates are back there snickering about how gross  I'd look in their clothing and how I don't belong. I think I probably end up acting like a real bitch to some poor, unsuspecting retail women because I just can't take what they may be thinking about me. It's not something I'm proud of.

   In a nutshell, women make me wildly insecure and afraid sometimes but I really, really wish I had a lot more positive, loving, genuine female friends around. It's just hard. Every single woman is always smarter than me, more confident, more beautiful, thinner, more stable, more happy, more established, more financially set, people take her more seriously, she's more talented, more creative. Always something. Mostly, I avoid any potential conflict and when I feel inferior, in whatever way it may be, I bolt. Sometimes, though,  I'll pick petty fights and nit pick their flaws to make myself feel better. They leave.

   I find it hard to trust women, harder to bond with them, and hardest to like them without hating myself. Don't get me wrong, I have a few really close female friends- but they've spent a long time trying to work their magic and earn my trust. Well, I lied. I guess I don't really have any "close" female friends. I have a few who I spend time with and hope, one day, to feel genuinely close to. It's still really hard for me to trust women.

   I'm trying this new approach. One where I meet a new person, interact with a girlfriend, or walk into a store and I literally tell myself (in my head): We're the same. I have my insecurities, flaws, and kick ass traits, and so do they. It's not a competition. Be loving. I'm trying to just try and start fresh. Start new friendships without assumptions and comparisons, and maintain them.

   It's totally cheeseball but it's working for me. I'll report back on how making female friends goes.

Tara and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day

   
   I have a friend, her name is Laura, and she is my go-to gal. She writes me snuggly letters, makes me grilled cheeses, makes me home made gifts on my birthday, and calls me up when I need a mental check-up. Today, I wrote her this.

   "Sorry I haven't gotten back to your email about exercise and healthiness and obsessiveness versus un....obsessiveness but for now, long story short. I agree with you- I can't make 1,300 calories work. I eat super healthy all day but I go way over that so whatever. I need the schedule I have for workouts because, if I don't lay out everything I need to do and when, I never do it. I just finally want to feel good about myself and feel like I followed through with something. I know it's all about my abuse and where I'm at in my head and my need for control. But I need some control. 

This email isn't so much about that though. It's basically this. I feel: 

1) Anxious. Like really anxious. Like I get home and feel all trapped and the need to be around a lot of people and no people and out doing things. And doing nothing. 

2) Really really really hideous. Like butt-hideous. Trying to be kind to myself is proving to be the opposite. I'm being very very mean and I'd like myself to be nicer but I'm not listening. Bad, self. 

3) Super-dy-duper un loved and un liked and I'm taking anything and everything personally and I'm weepy. 

4) All needy for a mama and papa. But none of the ones that I have available to me. 

5) Super unstable. 

6) Super stupid and lame and panicked about all the choices I've made. 

7) Really in need of some instant gratification with everything. I want to lose the weight NOW, I want to get some pampery treats for myself NOW, I want to confront my dad and re-bond NOW, I want to spend time with all my friends NOW, and I want things done my way. Or I freak out and feel attacked? 

   I get that all this crazy bogus-ness and instability is because I opened up Pandora's shit storm box or whatever by writing about where I come from and re-working the whole healing deal and tackling weight loss and getting healthy and trying to cut off ties with my entire family once and for all (and reconnect at the same time? I don't know what I'm doing) but I am FREAKING. OUT. When I get like this, I get all clammy and don't really express myself very well and most of what Ethan hears from me is "I'm angry with you" or "I need snuggles all the time. You can't do anything. You can't have your own life or accomplish your own things. Your purpose. Is to snuggle and comfort me." Super "push and pull" behavior. I'm all over the place and it's lame and I feel like a bad person for starting my blog and for not being all super awesome and heal-y and healthy. I'm just a lonely blah people don't want to be around. Boo =["

   I'm sharing my freak-out email with you because, well, sometimes I have bad days. I'm not all healed. Everythings not all perfect and peachy keen. And I recognize that I  have a long way to go. "Feeling Young and Being Grown" isn't me preaching about what it's like to trudge through the big, bad, evil things and come out victorious. It's about trudging, and continuing to trudge and seeing the light at the end of the tunnel, somedays. It's about reaching out and sharing and showing each other that it's a lot easier to heal when we understand someone else has been where we are now or where we've been. 

Sex+Sexual Abuse: Bad Reactions From Boyfriends

   I'm in a happy, healthy relationship. He respects my boundaries, knows my triggers, and we communicate (most days). Most importantly, he's patient and genuine about everything he feels and how he goes about things. He's my fiercest supporter and my best friend. He's basically a really kick ass man and I love him to bits! Unfortunately, as most of you know, when you come from abuse, it can be hard to find your way to healthy relationships where you get treated the way you deserve. It's also hard to demand proper treatment and to walk away when you're not being valued and loved. Here are some of the bad reactions I've gotten. Have you gotten any?

  "D"
   I'm one of those "repressed memory" type of survivors. The first time I realized I was sexually abused as a child, I was a freshman in High School.

   This guy from my Biology class saw me and understood my type way too well. I was insecure, cute, had no friends, and had no idea what I was worth. I'm pretty sure I was just his type. He was three years older than me, held back a year because of some sad puppy-dog story he told me about how his parents were split and his mom shipped him out here and told the schools he wasn't at a maturity level prepared for Senior year. Maybe it was true? I fell for all of it.

   He made those stupid googly eyes at me, told me how beautiful I was, how smart, how mature I was- how I wasn't like the other girls. He told me everything I wanted to hear. He told me about how he was a virgin, waiting for the right girl- how he felt like I was the right girl. He invaded my personal space. Texted me, called me, AIM'ed me every chance he got. He asked me on a "date" to the movies and we saw Black Dahlia I think and I took my friend with- thinking it'd keep the date neutral and he wouldn't get the wrong message. I have no idea what he was thinking or what I was thinking but next thing I know, I'm sitting in a movie theater next to my girlfriend, and he's unzipped my pants, rubbing his big-ol'-nasty-ass hands all over parts of me he had no right to. There was groping and ass touching and hands attackin' the vagoo. I didn't even understand what he was doing or what he wanted. I was so mortified and embarrassed and ashamed. I felt so violated. He unzipped his pants and tried to get me to give him a "handy" (which I didn't understand at the time) and I didn't. I just sat there. Shocked.

   Then it hit me. I've been here before. Fragments of my childhood and unpleasant times with my mom hit me in the face and I was way overwhelmed. Mostly, I felt wounded and broken. I told him about what I remembered- how my mom was an alcoholic and had "touched" me and how I was sorry- that I just wasn't the type of person who'd be good at doing "sexy stuff" and that I hoped he'd understand.

   Oh, he understood.

   I think knowing that I was sexually abused was a big green light for him. He heard, " I have an inability to say "stop," a terrible relationship with my parents (which meant no one to tell me I deserved better), and I would always be apologetic and willing to "try." In class, he'd press his gross, eager body all over me- pin me, stick his tongue down my throat, and press me for "affection." I never said no. I felt so disgusted with myself and so trapped in a bad situation I didn't recognize as bad. I thought I was supposed to like what was going on- I was just broken somehow and didn't like sexual things because of where I came from.

   Eventually I found out he wasn't a virgin (he'd probably been screwing everything that moved, but whatever), he drank a shit ton with his buddies, smoked pot- and he was just way too much for me. He overwhelmed me. I think I broke it off or he got tired of waiting so that was that.

"C"
  Then I met my next boyfriend. He was a decent guy. Had a lot of friends and was really liked. His friends became my friends and I loved it. I felt included and liked. His guy friends would all comment on how jealous they were- how pretty I was. Things were good for a while and we'd talk every day, either on the phone or online. He was my best friend and I felt so happy to be with someone who didn't push my boundaries. He was respectful of me. Then one day, his friends got comfortable enough to start cracking the typical high school jokes. Something about incest and "mother fuckers" was mentioned and I flipped out. It went on for a week and he'd always joke with them. Jokes about tits, about dicks, about awkward sex, and rape.  I felt so damn uncomfortable. I finally told him about what I had remembered about what had happened with my mom and his first response was:

"No wonder  you're such a good kisser!"

   His second was anger. With me. He said that I was trying to keep him from being himself. That I didn't like the real him and I was trying to change him. Eventually he dumped me. Got back with me out of pity. Then dumped me again. I lost all my friends and they all seemed angry with me for whatever reason. I felt so alone. I cried for months, struggled with some serious depression, and waited for the day when he would come back to me and tell me he loved me. He didn't. (Duh! )

   I can't quite put my finger on why I was so hurt but that was by far the worst pain I've ever experienced in my life. I felt so empty. I think I've always been pretty bad about being afraid of abandonment but he really put the nail in the coffin. I was unwantable. No one would ever want to come back for me. I had no value and if he didn't come back, there was no hope. My past and the "crazy broken person" I was then was just too much for any man, or person, to handle. I felt guilty for existing.

   "J"


   This story is an odd one. We never really technically dated and I never really wanted to date but he's always been a partner of mine and I love the guy. He knows my story like the back of his hand and I know his. He's a fantastic man, actually. Unfortunately, he had his own healing to do, and because I was there to support him, we ended up really bonding, really hurting each other, and he fell in love with me. He saw me go through my break up with "C" and he wanted to be my savior. We talked on the phone for hours at a time and he was always there when I needed a pick me up. He'd call me up just to tell me a joke and give me a giggle. He sometimes still calls and says, "Pudding" because for some reason, it makes me laugh. I led him on because I liked the attention and love- though I was pretty up front about that.

   When I told him about the abuse I'd been through, he sympathized and comforted me but he became really protective of me. He treated me like some sort of delicate flower. I hated it. I couldn't breathe. All he had for me was love and patience- but only if that's what I had to give in return. He was my only real support and the only one who really understood what it meant to be abused, because he'd seen his fair share of trauma in his life as well. Though he never really hurt me or furthered the feelings of abuse and trauma, he really set me back. He made me see myself as someone who couldn't stand on my own two feet without a man to prop me up. Without him. I'd feel lonely and empty when he left or shut me out of his life, like he often did because of his unrequited love for me, with him- I felt angry and walled off from the world. It was hard to grow around him.



 

Recipes: Baked Beets With Goat Cheese

Here's What You'll Need:

1. Beets
2. Goat Cheese
3. Parmesan Cheese

Here's What to Do:

1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees and place beets in oven safe covered dish
2. Bake for one hour
3. Take beets out and let cool, remove outside peel
4. Cut into sections
5. Sprinkle parmesan cheese and goat cheese on top
6. Enjoy!

Recipes: Spicy Veggie Quesadilla With Fresh Guacamole, Salsa, and Blackbeans

Here's What You'll Need: 

1. Mixed Shredded Cheese
2. Tortilla
3. 1/2 Tomato
4. One Slice Chopped Onion
5. Spinach 
6. One Garlic Clove
7. Tabasco Sauce
8. Cilantro 
9. Two Large White Sliced Mushrooms
10. Guacamole
11. Salsa
12. Black Beans

Here's What to Do:

1. Put a pat of butter, a dash of salt, minced garlic, and tabasco sauce (to taste) in a pan on medium heat. 
2. Add mushrooms, spinach, cilantro, and tomato to the pan. Cook until mushrooms are softened and spinach has wilted
3. Heat a griddle, place tortilla on the griddle, add cheese and veggie filling
4. Serve with some fresh guacamole and black beans.
5. Enjoy!

Sex+Sexual Abuse: Boyfriend of a Survivor

(This story was written into me by a reader. To post your story to my blog, please email me at stargee@me.com)   

Dating a survivor of sexual abuse doesn't seem so different to me from dating 

someone who hasn't experienced abuse of any sort. People are still people and 

after a point, "I was abused" is no longer a defining feature of someone's 

personality, though it takes quite a bit of internal struggle to reach that 

point. It's simply something that some people must deal with. Others are lucky 

enough not to be afflicted with the burdens that abuse places on a person, but 

they have their own struggles that they have to deal with, so I have never seen 

it as making a person any great amount different than others are in the grand 

arc of a human lifespan. I understand that abuse does completely derail the 

lives of some people, which is unfortunate, but other people manage to derail 

their lives or live in utter mediocrity without having had trauma to explain or 

excuse it, so I think that the truth is that people are people and that even 

though no one should have to experience abuse, everything ultimately comes down 

to who we are and how we view and treat ourselves, whether we were beaten or 

sexually abused or grew up with poverty or war or in a broken home, or were 

among those blessed to be raised by a pair of loving parents. 

   Abuse and the healing process are nothing more or less than an additional obstacle in becoming who we all should feel we deserve to be, one that certainly shouldn't be treated 

lightly, as it presents a lot of extra challenge for someone to live up to or 

even recognize their potential, but though it seems frightening and huge and as 

though it will affect an individual for life, I have always believed that 

literally any obstacle short of death can be overcome by someone of sufficient 

will with support and love from the people who want to support and love them (an 

important thing to know since most abuse cases have little to no support from 

their blood family, but just because people aren't related to you doesn't mean 

that they wouldn't give you just as much as they would their own child or anyone 

else important to them). It was because of that belief that I didn't even bat an 

eye initially when my girlfriend told me she'd been abused. Did I find it 

abhorrent that someone had done that to her? Yes, but I never have allowed 

myself to think that because of her background she is any less capable than I or 

any other man or woman of becoming and being as great as she can imagine herself 

being, of doing anything she wants to do. With that said there are certainly 

some challenges that come up in a romantic relationship with someone who's been 

abused.

   She was very shy at the outset of our relationship, and reacted very strongly to 

physical contact and intimacy, for a long time in equal parts positive and 

negative response. She would be extremely passionate and sexy and within the 

same span of intimate contact end up crying and telling me how much she hated 

herself or how ugly she felt. This sort of thing creeps into everyday 

non-intimate interaction as well, it's difficult to pinpoint at what point 

exactly she really changed for the better but she is in much greater emotional 

control these days and has much greater clarity in terms of her views of herself 

and her relationship to others, her friends, family etc.  For a large portion of 

our time together she really seemed to have no concept of her physical 

appearance, the good or ill, she could never take compliments and spent a lot of 

time talking about how fat she was even though she was in great shape. 

   Her views of herself have changed greatly in that she's actually capable of loving herself 

now, I'd say that that's essentially what it's boiled down to. She had been 

taught through abuse to hate herself and never see that anything she did was 

good or see that it was possible for her to be loved no matter what she did, 

regardless of her beauty or any of the great things about who she was. She would 

wildly misinterpret simple things, I would have to go on at incredible length 

when talking with her about anything pertaining to her because any holes in 

explanation or presentation that I left were filled in with her own 

insecurities.

    She has for the most part gotten over all of this and can see what 

is good about her and what she wants to change, and doesn't just fill in all the 

blanks with self hatred anymore. And her improvement has been gradual and solid 

despite the fact that I haven't treated her perfectly or dealt with her 

insecurities perfectly, and one can't be expected to deal with someone else 

flawlessly. It's a process of meeting one another halfway and being patient, and 

those who are dating someone who has been abused, if you find you cannot deal 

with their issues or you lack the patience to go through six months to a full 

year (or more, every person and every case is different depending on a ton of 

factors, and I'm no psychologist so I can't even begin to enumerate all of them) 

would probably be better served on both sides of the relationship to end the 

romantic relationship and either be friends or go separate ways, because it is 

almost impossible to help someone heal if you are not very patient and willing 

to sacrifice a lot for them. For those who are the one who's been abused, the 

most important thing to realize is that (hopefully) everything your partner says 

comes from a place of love and that they would not be dishonest with you nor say 

something hurtful for kicks, they are trying to help and it does no one any good 

to push them away, it wears down their stamina and may confuse them, so for both 

parties' sakes try to keep that in mind.

   On the central issues that have actually continued through this point in time, 

most if any issues occur now when we're intimate, which makes sense. It's at the 

times of strongest emotional and physical response that we're most apt to have 

an unwanted intruding thought, and since sex is in this case the interaction 

which abuse has hampered the most, this is also where most people really run 

into trouble.

    My girlfriend tells me that through talking to other sexual abuse 

survivors she's found that they will have similar reactions during sex to her if 

they start to be affected by the negative emotions their abuse fostered: it 

starts with feeling uncomfortable, which can happen for any number of reasons 

depending on the person: not enough foreplay, an uncomfortable 

environment/lighting/even time of day, a position they don't like, a method of 

stimulation they're uncomfortable with, and the list probably goes on, very 

specific to the person. Generally this stuff is not really stoppable in the 

moment once it starts, if you're having sex and your partner starts to feel 

uncomfortable it is almost guaranteed to get worse if you keep going and end up 

with them at best not really enjoying it and feeling down afterward, at worst 

becoming nonresponsive and ending up crying or practically catatonic for a 

little while with you freaking out and trying to comfort them while feeling like 

you've damaged or abused them. So probably the most important thing you can 

generally think about is just how you're both feeling, make sure your partner is 

enjoying it, talk about it outside of intimate time to determine what they like 

and what makes them uncomfortable and what sends them down a bad road and you 

can reduce the occurrence of these episodes. 

   Reducing their intensity largely falls to the partner who has been abused, as once they start to feel frightened or uncomfortable they're the only ones who can quiet their minds, reassure 

themselves that you don't want to hurt them and that they're safe with you. The 

best way to aid that over time is to reassure them of that yourself the first 

dozens of times they do freak out and end up crying; just hug them and tell them 

those things, and make sure they know it's okay with you that it happened and 

that you know that it'll get better, if that's not true, you shouldn't be in an 

intimate romantic relationship because you'll do them more harm than good. It 

takes a lot of patience, if crazy, frequent sex in a relationship is a big thing 

for you then you should not be dating an abuse survivor because you will in all 

likelihood just make sex even worse for them. For those with the patience for 

it, the biggest thing is really just support and knowing when to stop. If you 

screw up sometimes, it's okay, people make mistakes even when they know the 

parameters. I've had problems before, tripped up a few times and done something 

I shouldn't have done or even knew she didn't like, but at this point we've both 

gotten better and she's become more communicative, a large problem can be the 

ambiguity of your partner's enjoyment.

This could go on for a long, long time but it really boils down to this for 

those whose partners have been sexually abused:

   Communication and sensitivity: noting when your partner seems uncomfortable and 

also developing a level of comfort with one another where you know and can state 

what you do or don't like and whether something is alright with you.

   Patience: overcoming trauma is all about the individual and in truth nothing you 

can do will heal someone, they have to walk the path. You can offer 

encouragement and company but you can't drag them down it, they have to go when 

they are ready, and in the meantime you have to be emotionally made of steel in 

order to withstand their repeated attempts to push you away in a panic, the 

things that they say that they don't mean, and a lot of attention that feels 

unrequited. Make sure you really feel that the person is worth it, it's the only 

thing that will allow you to forget that stuff when they do start to heal and 

not expect them to repay what you gave them and end up resenting them.

   Willingness to give, but not too much: be there for your partner but don't give 

up on the things that are important to you, find the balance between being 

supportive, cuddling them late at night and spending time together during the 

day and doing the stuff that's important to you, practicing your sport, hanging 

out with friends, learning, and leisure time. Having a respectable chunk of time 

each day to be on your own (and work does not count) and read or think or veg 

out will make you a much better partner and person, so make sure you treat 

yourself as well as you deserve to be treated and pursue your interests in 

addition to being there for your partner, and encourage them to do the same. Not 

only will their healing proceed along better, you'll both continue to grow as 

people should rather than stagnating and devoting all time and all issues to the 

issue of sexual abuse. Don't ever give it that much power. Each individual 

person is born with unlimited potential and neither you nor your partner should 

let this hamper you each in achieving the potential  you possess. It is merely a 

facet of life, not a defining point of your relationship or you as individuals, 

so don't treat it like it is. Go and be great at what you want to do and live 

meaningfully, and make room in that for the healing process and dealing with the 

effects of abuse. 

Don't get discouraged, things will get better. 

"Dearest Tara" A Letter From My Sister: Sibling Fall-Outs

   My sister is a fierce, fierce woman. She knows how to stand up for what she believes in, and when she gets upset or offended- you know it. She will scream, and argue, and push until the conversation is finished and there is a resolution. I'm incredibly jealous of my sister, when it comes to a lot of things. I can't yell to save my life, and I have a hell of a time defending myself when challenged-especially when I know I'm in the right. People change my opinions. My sister changes other people's opinions.

   Growing up, my sister was my mom. She was my idol and I practiced being her all the time. It didn't get cooler than her. I loved her handwriting, the way she danced, the way she walked, the clothes she picked, the way she did her hair. I even loved the way she smelled in the morning (smelly.) My sister had this sort of un-confident/confident grace I couldn't get enough of. She's 5 feet tall, super thin, and big chested. Exactly what I want to look like. Her face is more angular, the way I'd prefer to have mine, and her hair is thinner-I hate having thick hair.

   My sister tucked me in when I was little, took me on outings with her friends (even though I'm pretty sure she was forced too- she still included my 6 year old self) went clothing shopping with me, gave me advice, and listened to me. She was my fiercest, and probably only, real friend I had for a long time. She looked out for me and seemed like she really valued my opinion.

   I remember times when she'd be so angry with me. She'd pin me down and put her hand over my mouth while I cried and whimpered- she'd say that she'd "hurt me" if I said a word to my parents about what had happened. I never can remember what had happened that made her upset-but I probably was being a punk baby-sister. I remember being 4 or 5 and in an apartment pool in a green sea animal floatie and her flipping me upside down and leaving, laughing- me panicking and feeling like I was going to drown and like that's what she wanted. I don't know why I thought that.

   In middle school, when my sister had moved out, I became a "cutter" and tried to slit my wrists, but really, I just made marks to show the people I trusted enough how I felt inside. I hated myself and I wanted out. CPS was called, I went to therapy, I was put in a group home, and I tried to run away from home and be adopted. When I got home, she had advised my parents to take my computer and phone away and keep me from having any contact with friends. She wouldn't make eye contact with me and she refers to that period of time as when I "went crazy." I was hurting and needed nurturing, support, and defense. Not criticism or belittling and isolation. I still don't 100% understand why she was so upset, knowing that she's dealt with depression, run away from home, and hates a lot of what my parents do and what they'd done to her. She even used to tell my parents about how, when she turned 18, they'd never see her again because they didn't deserve to after all that they had put her through. I agree with her. So why doesn't she agree with me? I think she thinks I'm weak and dysfunctional and selfish. That I need to rely on other people to "save me" and pity me because I assume everything will come to me. That I don't ever truly earn anything for myself. That the people who care for and about me are people who feel badly for my and my situation I play up. I don't agree with her but I hate that she thinks so little of me. Her lack of acceptance literally hurts.

   I visited my sister, a little under a year ago- six months after I moved out of my parent's home- and I initiated the visit. I had visions of reuniting, crying together, planning future visits and mani+pedi's and girly dinners out. Nothing of the sort. I felt awkward and separated from her and her boyfriend of several years was there (Why wouldn't he be? He lives with her.) He makes me feel like a shitty person and so does she. I avoided bringing up the awkwardness between us and how little we'd talked since I moved out, and how upset I knew she was with me, since my dad had recently told me so. I talked about her cat. Praised her cat. She loves that prissy, spoiled, beautiful thing and treats it like her child so it seemed like a good place to start. Maybe she'd like me if I liked her cat. Nope. It pissed her off. She said I was acting like my dad-initiating things then not having the balls to actually follow through and really discuss things. So I said I was visiting to work on our relationship and that I wanted to understand why she was so mad.

She called me trailer trash. She said that I was being attention-seeking, dramatic, and blowing my family's situation out of proportion. That I should have stuck it out or at least not involved the cops (whatever I was scared and wanted to get out fast). That I was being just like my mom. That I was no better. She said that I just wanted to "play house"with my boyfriend and I had no direction, no plan, and that I was going to end up being a failure. She criticized my new job. It didn't make enough, I couldn't get real job experience or references. That I wasn't thinking. She criticized how I wasn't going to get to go to school now because I "had made an adult decision and now I had to behave like one." That if I had stayed, my parents would have paid for school. Paid for school? They're broke as shit. They're under foreclosure because they're financial nimrods. They'll tell you, though, how smart they really are- they still live in a 4,000 square foot house in a gated community, and they're doing it for free! They can't always pay for their medication, gas to make it to meetings, or food- but they live in a nice house and raised three children- that's success, right?

   I don't talk with my sister now. I don't think she minds. I think she thinks I'm shit, and that's cool. I think she's kind of a bitch in denial. She always leaves when I need her most.

My sister wrote this letter after our two year falling out from my middle school cutting/run-away "stunt". I kind of secretly hope to get another one of these-one that's more honest about why we "weren't very fond of each other." I'd certainly love to know what I did that's so wrong. I'd definitely love to have a sister.


It's dated " 12/06"

"Dearest Tara, 


   You mentioned to me that lately you haven't felt like you had a place to vent without watchful eyes intruding on your thoughts. I thought this might be a nice place for you to get your thoughts out. Perhaps you can take this to Starbucks and feel inspired by the caffeine? Haha! 

   I just wanted to say that I know you and I have not always been the closest. It's probably not an exaggeration to say that you and I even went through a period when we weren't very fond of each other. I think a phase like that is unavoidable, or maybe a requirement for sisters. Whatever the case may be, I'm very glad that we've made it past that phase and become friends. I appreciate each and every thought and insight of yours. You're becoming a very wonderful person (not that you weren't always!) and a beautiful woman. 


Happy Birthday! 


Love, Didi"

The Good Times

(My favorite picture of my dad. It's of him with my brother)

There were a lot of bad times for me as a kid, but part of letting go and moving on is recognizing that there were some good times too, and potentially, I was loved. (I still don't really know, though....)

FYI: I haven't completely moved on OR let go. I don't forgive my parents.

The Good Times

• One of my favorite places to go in the whole wide world is to a tide pool. Any tide pool. I have a really vivid, really powerful memory of my mom dad and I going out to this beach in Washington with black stones instead of sand and lots of amazing, breath taking creatures out in the water, clinging to the mossy (or something else?) rocks. My dad would take my hand, walk carefully with me over the big rocks, and show me all the creatures in the water and tell me all about them. He's a really smart science-guy. He showed me that when you put your hand near a sea anemone, they close up and feel really cool. I felt so safe and so loved and so in awe. I'll never forget that.
• One time, there was an earthquake I think in Washington-nothing too big. I was on the "potty" and I....well I fell in. There I was, stuck inside a toilet, pants down, legs and arms flailing. There was a quiet pause after the earthquake and my dad shouted out to ask if everyone was okay. "I fell in!" I shouted. He came in and got me out and didn't tease me. It's a really funny memory I like to tell often. 
• One time, I got my head stuck between two wooden railings when I was probably 4 and my mom found me and got me out with butter and gave me kisses and cuddles. 
• One time, my parents had tons of bubble wrap and they laid it all out in the hall at our house in Washington. My sister and I jumped on it and giggled for what felt like hours. 
• I wore ankle bracelets with bells, like most Indian kids do so that parents can keep track of their kids wherever they are in the house, and sometimes I used to play with my mom. I'd go hide, hoping she'd catch me. Which she always did. I'd always give myself away with a giggle or little jingle and the pitter patter of my excited feet. She'd always giggle too when she found me. 
• My mom wears bangles on her arms, always, and I always knew where my mom was because they were so jingly. In a store, in the backyard, around the house, at school...It always made me so happy. Now, I just get scared and shut down when I hear anything that sounds similar. 
• When I was being potty trained, my family would stand outside the door and clap for me when I used the potty. After my dad would go to the bathroom, I'd always stand outside the door and clap for him. My family thought it was really cute and tell the story often. 
• My dad can't really cook anything except sunny side up eggs and this thing called Keema. I always eat sunny side up eggs when I'm sad and I miss his Keema a lot. I'm an emotional eater. 
• My mom sometimes made me this thing called "milk rice" that had rice, milk, cocoa powder, and sugar-for when I was sick. I don't know that I really liked the taste but I always ate it all up because it was such a maternal thing for her to do. 
• My dad used to take me to Mcdonalds sometimes as a special treat and we'd talk forever. He'd ask me how my day was and how I was feeling.
• I always went grocery shopping with my dad. It was my favorite time of the day. We always got to talk.
• My dad sometimes, when I was older, would take me to Starbucks before school or after school. It was his special treat for me and our special bonding time as I got older. Starbucks and going to Starbucks with friends always makes me feel fantastic and snuggly. I still ask my dad to coffee now, to talk and bond, but he always says no. 
• One time, when we had just moved in to our house in California, my brother was sitting with me and helping me count my coins. I'd sit in his lap and we'd just count. That's all I remember but I loved it. 
• In our old house in Washington, my brother would flip me upside down and carry me all around the house and show me what things looked like upside down. It was so fun.
• I used to watch my brother play video games. He was the coolest and the best at all video games.
• My sister used to pick me up from school- middle school mostly- in her blue Beetle and she'd roll up with blasting music, dancing away. I would always feel SO cool and so lucky to get to be around her and have her as my sister. I loved when she took my friends home too so they could see she was related to me. I still feel most confident when I'm rolling down the streets in my car with the windows down and the music blasting. 
• My brother's always been really supportive of my art. It makes me feel guilty that I don't make more art because maybe then we'd talk more. 
• My sister liked to have dance parties with me sometimes. I still have dance parties by myself, or sometimes with Ethan when I'm really sad or really happy. We love it.
• My dad LOVES Hot Cheetos. I introduced them to him. We'd eat a whole bag up together while I'd sit in his study and do work next to him. I eat Hot Cheetos way too much now when I miss my dad. (I have a bag in my car right now)
• My mom makes, or used to make, kick ass Indian food and I miss it all the time. It smelled great and made me feel at home. (See?! I'm an emotional eater!) I didn't like it when she made it while she was drunk though. It tasted gross and my dad always said it "wasn't made with love" so we would never eat it.
• My brother got me this gift when I probably turned four? It was a green, pink, and yellow plastic toy called a "bumble bee." It has these knobs on it and it shakes all around. If I still had that toy, I would play with it. No lie.

Recipes: Rosemary Balsamic Portobello Mushrooms with Mozzarella, Parmesan, Fresh Greens, and Tomato on a Ciabatta Roll

Here's What You'll Need:

1. One Large Portobello Mushroom
2. 1/2 Cup Balsamic Vinegar 
3. One Fresh Garlic Clove
4. Rosemary
5. 1/4 Cup Olive Oil
6. Fresh Greens
7. Tomato Slices
8. Mozzarella 
9. Parmesan Cheese
10. Ciabatta Roll

Here's What To Do:

1. Toss olive oil, a dash of salt, and fresh minced garlic in a shallow pan and heat.
2. Once the garlic starts to cook, add balsamic vinegar and rosemary to taste
3. Add sliced portobello 
4. Cook until soft, slightly dark, and juicy.
5. Sprinkle parmesan on top of the portobellos and stir in
6. Prepare mixed greens with a splash of balsamic
7. Place portobello, mozzarella, parmesan, tomato, and mixed greens on top of a toasted ciabatta roll. 
8. Enjoy!

Chic for Cheap: Home Made Oatmeal, Coffee Ground, Mint, Cucumber, Avocado, Banana, Egg, Flour, Honey, Olive Oil Firming and Moisturizing Face Mask

Feel like you wake up with a tired looking face and dark circles? Try a rejuvenating home made face firming mask!

Here's What You'll Need:

1. 1/4 Cup Oat Meal
2. 1 Tablespoon Coffee Grounds
3. 2 Tablespoons Fresh Mint Leaves
4. 1/4 Cup Cucumber
5. 1/2 Avocado
6. 1/2 Over Ripe Banana
7. 1/4 Cup Olive Oil
8. 1 Egg
9. 2 Tablespoons Flour
10. 1 Tablespoon Honey

Here's What to Do:

1. Prepare the 1/4 cup dry oats by adding 1/2 cup water and microwave for 1 minute
2. Combine coffee grounds, fresh mint, cucumber, avocado, banana, olive oil, egg, flour, and honey in a blender and blend until creamy. Add cooked oatmeal and blend again.
3. Apply to your face and neck liberally. Let set until dry. Wash off with warm water. 

Getting Fit and Less Obsessed: Monday, May 16th, 2011

Here's What I look Like Today, At The Start of My Fitness Plan:

My Starting Weight: 129.6 LBS

My Current Weight: 129.6 LBS

My Goal Weight: Between 110 LBS and 115 LBS (I'll see when I get closer, what seems more realistic in terms of how much more weight I really have to lose)

Diet for This Week:

Six glasses of water a day, five servings of fruit a day, five servings of veggies a day, three servings of meet for the week, two eggs for the week, three servings of beans for the week, one serving of mixed nuts per day, one serving of dried fruit per day, one glass of milk per day, one cup of yogurt per day, and one serving of oats or grains per day. Monday is "meatless Monday" in the house and Saturday is "sinful Saturday" for me- meaning I get to treat myself to some Starbucks, meat if I want, an extravagant breakfast or a yummy fancy cheese lunch, and maybe a sweet for dessert or a mid-day treat. No packaged foods, no Starbucks during the week except Saturday, no food that lacks nutritional value. 

My calorie budget is 1, 300 calories a day.

Workout Plan For This Week:

-5 Minute Run and 25 Minute Walk Monday, Wednesday, Friday

-Tae-Bo Tuesday for 45 Minutes

-Wednesday "Extra Workout" of 20 Minutes on the Elliptical

-Thursday Yoga/Pilates for 45 Minutes

-Friday "Extra Workout" Dance Party With The Kids for 20 Minutes

-Saturday 5 Mile Loop (Walk)

-Sunday One Mile Timed Run

-Everyday: "Pick 5 Toning" (Things like weights, jump rope, stairs, crunches, squats....etc)

I'm going to take it slow at first and I'm starting with 5 minute runs because I don't have much stamina. I hope to get up to 30 min-45 min runs. I don't want to crash or have to beat myself up because my workouts are too hard to start.

My Feelings on What I Look Like Now:

I actually don't feel that bad, which is great for me! I lost 2 1/2 LBS last week just because I got so busy with my blog and making sure to be more consistent and spend time with friends, that I didn't mindlessly munch or over eat, like I sometimes do. I want to tone my butt, lose some tummy and thigh fat, have more smooth non-cottage cheese skin, and more toned arms and a slightly firmer face/neck. I'm wondering what my ideal weight will be after I start to lose the weight and gain muscle. Though, in my head I want to be, say, a size two and weigh 105 LBS- that probably isn't what I'm built for and I don't want to be unhealthy thin. We'll have to see!

My Upcoming Reward:


Once I hit 128 LBS I get to go buy:

-New, Luxurious Shampoo

-Conditioner

-Hairspray

Don't forget to "Like" my Facebook page here: http://www.facebook.com/pages/Taras-Feeling-Young-and-Being-Grown-Blog/172591539461423

Ask me now if you're interested in joining me on a fitness plan or coming with for the fun rewards. (Especially the girls' spa trip at Burke Williams at the end!)

Email me at stargee@me.com

Chic for Cheap: Shiny Healthy Hair Without the Fuss and Expense

Here are Some Basic Tips to Having Healthy, Shiny Hair:

1. Blow dry your hair with cold air for as much of your styling process as possible.
2. Shower in luke warm to cold water- it's better for your skin too!
3. Shampoo every other shower. Condition every shower.
4. Deep condition your hair once a week.
5. Oil Your Hair Once a Week. You can pick up a bottle that will last you anywhere from three to six months at any Indian grocery store. It will usually be made with coconut and almond oil. To get even better results, leave the oil in for at least two hours and blow dry your hair, while oiled, with hot air.
6. Be sure to eat a decent amount of protein. Things like nuts, beans, eggs, and yogurt are great for your hair and great for you in general! Also, eat a colorful, balanced diet with plenty of fruits and veggies and H2O!
7. Have a "no-style" day once a week and leave your hair be. No straightening, no blow drying, no product! 
8. Avoid brushing your hair while it's wet. Always use a wide-toothed comb.
9. Pick up a "Shine Spray" from any beauty store, like Sally's Beauty Store and spritz your hair a few times with it after a shower. When done styling, spray some into your hand and apply evenly. It'll give you a nice shine and condition your hair throughout the day.
10. Get some sun and some exercise! A healthy body means healthy hair.
11. If you have to dye your hair, use semi-permanent dye if possible. It's a lot less damaging. Avoid frequent color changes.

Chic for Cheap: Heated Olive Oil, Avocado, Honey, Mayo, Egg, Over Ripe Banana Deep Hair Conditioner

Have dry, damaged, dull hair? Try doing a twice weekly home-made deep conditioning!

Here's What You'll Need:

1. 1/4 Cup Olive Oil
2. 1/2 Avocado
3. 1/4 Cup Honey
4. 1/4 Cup Mayo
5. 1 Egg
6. 1/2 Over Ripe Banana

Here's What to Do:

1. Combine olive oil, honey, and mayo in a microwave safe bowl. Microwave until warm and slightly liquidy.
2. Blend the avocado, egg, and over ripe banana. Toss in the microwaved mixture of olive oil, honey, and mayo and blend again. 
3. Place the mixture in a small tupperware, use as much of the mixture as you need to thoroughly cover your hair from root to tip. Massage in mixture. Place the leftover mixture in your fridge for an addition use halfway through the week. (Re-heat when using after refrigeration)
4.  Cover hair coated in the the deep conditioner with a shower cap and let sit for half an hour. Rinse with warm water in and wash with your usual conditioner then shampoo. 
5. Style as usual.

Sex+Sexual Abuse: Typical Behaviors Of a Survivor

   I'm about to out a lot of you who haven't "come out" about being sexually abused! Nah, this is mostly written for those of you dating someone who has been abused. Know that you are not dating a crazy. You just need to learn the signs, help "re-parent" your partner, and be supportive and patient. Here are some typical signs.
 
   (The age at which they were abused, the severity of how they were abused, and the gender of their abuser affects how survivors react and handle sex and intimacy. Note that I was abused when I was pretty young-before puberty, I was abused by a female (my mom), and it was on multiple accounts rather than just one- not that that means it was more or less painful than anyone else's experience. It just affects understanding how someone from my background would respond versus someone who was, say, abused by a male during or after puberty, by a stranger rather than a family member.)

1. I was abused before puberty and I was abused by my mom so the way that I understand how that's affected me is- I often view sex, when I'm uncomfortable or afraid, like  child would. I feel violated, dirty, guilty, and ashamed. I have really touchy boundaries that sometimes sneak up on me and I don't like sexual jokes, innuendo, violent and heavily sexual movies, or crazy weird shit. I know a few other women who were abused as children by women and they also revert to a childish state when their boundaries have been pushed. I think the reasoning behind that is when you're abused before you really are ready to actually be interested in sex, sex is kind of introduced to you in this violent, unhealthy, scary way and you feel gross because you know, even though you're a kid, that something about being exposed to what you're being exposed to is wrong. When you're abused by your mom, or a woman you are supposed to trust to nurture you, you kind of crave nurturing and a maternal figure that much more because you wish that a mom figure would have stepped in and protected you- but instead, that's who hurt you. The fix for me is always a snuggle with Ethan, a stuffed animal, warm milk with sugar, and a colorful cartoon. See? Kid stuff. Ha, he's my mama when I need......
2. Tendency to bolt. Survivors of sexual abuse, or abuse of any sort for that matter, don't feel safe. They find it hard to trust people, especially the people the care for, and they'll often panic and leave. Over and over again, if you let them. All it is, is a test. They want to know if you can handle the fears they have and all the pain they know how to dish out. They were left, emotionally or literally, so they're going to see if you can handle feeling that too- if you can handle the "monster" that they are. Stick around and stay consistent. It's a control issue for them- because they feel they have so little that they can actually control. Always say things like "I'm not leaving, you can't change how I feel about you, I love you, and it's not okay to leave whenever things get tough. " Unless of course, you don't feel that way. In which case, you're better off leaving now- rather than building something up just to tear it down.
3. Being over sexualized. I went through a phase kind of like this but I think it's more common for people who have been abused during or after puberty. For me, for a while I made sex into a mission and I felt like if I didn't have sex and sexual attention all the time, I wasn't worth anything. 
4. The weepies. Plain and simple, things hit out of nowhere- a reaction to something small that reminds us of something bad, a memory we had repressed, a comment that hurt us more than others would be hurt because we've been abused and wear our pain on our sleeves.....Learn how to be a snuggler and a listener.
5. Anger. I get really really angry sometimes when someone tries to comfort me because I'm so damn proud and so afraid that someone will "figure me out" and not like me after who I am "clicks" for them. All that is is a lack of self acceptance. Just snuggle harder or give them a little space and wait it out if that's what they're saying they need. Ask open ended questions and make your angry-survivor reflect on what they're actually upset about, instead of letting them lash out at you. (I lash out at Ethan a lot sometimes.......)

Therapy Is Not So Scary: Finding The Right Therapist And Learning To Trust Them

(This photo was taken from www.postsecret.com)

   I've been through a lot of therapy and will always swear by it. Just because I've been through a lot of therapy doesn't mean all my therapists were great. If you're the type of person who's been through some shit, knows they probably need therapy of some sort, but can't seem to hop on the "therapy-train" then you probably have said one or more of these things:

"It takes a lot for me to trust someone and I'm not just going to share my personal life with some stranger for an hour."


"They're paid to listen to my problems. They don't really care about me. I feel stupid in therapy."


"My therapist doesn't really seem to understand what I'm saying or how I'm feeling. I don't click with therapists."


"I want to go to therapy but because I'm under 18 or around someone who has abused me or done something illegal, I can't talk about what's really hurting me and stressing me out. I don't want them to go to jail or get in trouble. I just want to talk."


   I get you. I've had those thoughts too. But here's the thing- when you feel insecure or you lack trust, that's the type of noise that's in your head all the time, anyway!

 "My friend doesn't want to hear about MY problems."


 "I don't really connect with anyone." 


"I feel stupid and ridiculous."


   If you want to stop hearing so much crap from within yourself, you're going to have to do the work to find someone, and let someone, help you stop being so damn negative and in your own way. I'm sure the only reason why you're struggling with hearing negative thoughts is because you have someone or something in your life, or had someone or something, who instills those thoughts in you- and you need help learning how to talk back to them.

   That's what therapy is for.

Some Things to Keep In Mind About Therapy

1. Gender matters. If you're threatened by women (like I am) A female therapist may not be for you. If men feel scary or too dominant- a male therapist may be too much for you to start off with. Be kind to yourself- don't set up obstacles for yourself where they aren't needed.
2. People grow out of therapists. I've grown out of therapists. Just because you feel like a specific therapist is no longer helping you or hitting as hard on what you need to work on, doesn't mean they didn't do you good in the past. Either try a new approach in therapy or ask for suggestions for a new therapist.
3. You need to be honest in therapy. Lying won't get you far. You don't need to feel guilty or ashamed or embarrassed if you feel like you need to talk about something. Whether it's you sex life, your past, sexual abuse, or something funkity going on with your body that you don't like- you're going to need to learn to feel comfortable enough to be open if you want help conquering it or better understanding where your feelings are coming from. That doesn't mean you need to rush telling your therapists something you're not ready for QUITE yet. Feel free to ease in to things.
4. If you're a shy person or a topic you need to broach is touchy for you- Write it down. Get your therapists' email address! Send an email before your session about what you want to talk about, something that's happened to you, or something you've seen. Take notes, even! I used to write in to my therapist before my session and then come with notes on my iPhone about the things I felt were most important to discuss, as well as what happened the past week (because sometimes I'd forget!)
5. Picking a therapist is like picking a friend. You have to test the waters, and move on when it's not a good fit. Not all therapists are right for everyone, and there are even some, dare I say, bad therapists out there. Go for a session or two and if you feel like it's not working out, politely bow out and move on to a new person.
6. Don't give up. If you're struggling figuring out a way to communicate with your Ther-Bear, think about it. Brainstorm ideas with and without your therapist. Don't be afraid to ask your therapist to try a different approach with you.
7. When a therapist has to move, can no longer see you because of a professional conflict (like he's seeing your mom in therapy as well or something) or their grandma died and they have to go on leave or whatever- it is NOT an act made intended to break your trust, hurt you, or make you feel like you are not a priority (like you've probably been told so many times before.) Life happens, even for therapists. Try not to take things personally, though I know, it can be really really tough. If they have to leave and it's planned, maybe ask them if they can connect you with a new therapist and have a session with all three of you- catching the newbie up on what you've worked through already so it's not a rehashing of all the painful stuff you've already, mostly, covered. 
8. If it's a legal issue and you can't directly discuss what's happened or what's going on because it will have to be reported- either realize: it needs to be reported for your own safety, or: tell your therapist without telling them. Ask them first what's reportable and what's not and what you can and cannot discuss. Leave out names or family relations if that helps. (Though I prefer being able to say WHO did WHAT and I know having to omit some of the truth sucks for now. Eventually you'll be able to say everything.)