Dysfunction and Rebuilding: Ruining Children

I'm a nanny. I work with children. I LOVE kids. Well, part of me does. They're great when they love you back, snuggle up close, or learn new things but they scare the he'll out of me when they kick and scream, tell me who's boss, or have any sort of tantrum. Children overwhelm me sometimes. I internalize what people say, and little people do not have sensors.

Not only do children overwhelm me, I overwhelm myself when I'm around kids or think about having kids of my own! What if I screw them up? What if I say the wrong thing? What was I supposed to say in that meaningful pep talk about failure or boys or doing the right thing? What if I was too strict, or inappropriate, or took my issues out on this little precious innocent being? What if I don't like kids, I just think I do? Am I too selfish to nurture children?

What if I hurt them?

I notice a lot of women who come from sexual abuse, dysfunctional families, or have just generally been abused feel the way I do. They love and want children and children play an important role in their lives, but they're afraid they're too screwed up to love their own child. I often wonder if I'll turn into my mom if and when I have a baby. Am I more like her now than I care to think? When you damage a child, it's too late to go back and rethink your parenting style, or whether or not you're even prepared for one.

Now let's step back. So having a child is far into the future when you're nineteen and not trying to have a baby. Besides, not everyone has children. Its not a written law. But the skills that go along with raising a child are still so, so important. Being selfless, planning ahead with someone else in mind, being patient, being maternal, being loving, being a good example. So many aspects of being a strong, loving mom apply to being a strong, loving person (which is what I strive to be). Am I those things? Will I ever be those things? If I appear to be those things, is it genuine?

I work with children and I often think to myself- what did I get myself into?! I suck at this job. Kids hurt my feelings, they bring up bad memories of my own childhood, I find myself feeling jealous when a child I know and care for gets better treatment than I did, whether it be because their parent doesn't treat me well or my parents didn't treat me as well as their parents treat them and I feel as though I've missed out big time.... I'm a mess! I over react when a child "defies" me and tells me one thing and does another (as preteens often do). My expectations are too high and inappropriate for the kids ages and abilities. I take things personally. And I hold grudges. When I'm in new babysitting-territory and things get tough and foreign- my default reaction is to act the way my parents would have reacted if that child was me. I know that default is wrong, I try to correct it, but I see myself making the same mistakes over and over again. Am I improving? Does it getting better with age? Will it be different if thats my own child? Am I normal? Will I ever learn? How can people let me be around them when I'm so damn toxic? These are the question I have.

Then there's genetics. Now I don't know if I always but the whole nature over nurture thing- I'm definitely a "it's all about nurture and how you were raised" kind of person but....I have to say. My genes are pretty fucked up! We have a lot of crazy, emotional, depressed, angry, addictive personalities in my family. Is that because of how we were all raised or is there something to be said for my crazy ass genes? If so- I sure as fuck don't want to be passing that on. So then adoption? That's a whole NEW can of worms.

Oh boy, is all I can say. Thank god I have time to think it out and get my shit together.

Tripping Balls

Dear Readers (Whoever you are....)

   Currently, I am tripping balls. I have a move quickly (and mercilessly) approaching, boyfriend issues, job drama, I work way too much, I don't make enough money, I act like a bitch, and I am spiraling OUT OF CONTROL (quietly.) I haven't written much lately because everything I think I have to say ends up feeling stupid, not genuine, and useless. I feel like, "who am I to talk and advise people or guide people when I'm such a nut case myself?" My answer is: right now I don't feel like I do know who I am. Do I have grounds to talk about my experiences like I know shit or handle things anywhere close to "well"? Do I even have experiences that matter? Are people irritated with what I have to say? Do people think I'm talking out of my ass? I am so paralyzed

   Blogging was amazing for me (and still can be and will be I think) but it's like starting therapy. I brought up a lot of old stuff I was locking away in a cute little box and I opened that box....and a shit storm has commenced! These old feelings and insecurities and doubts and fears came rushing back and I do not have the tools to say "You are not welcome. You can leave now!"

   Today, alone, I cried in front of one of my bosses and spilled my stupid guts, got a pep talk about being less negative (which made me feel like shit) then I cried like a bitch on my drive home to some Maria Mena and MIA (great stuff) and then out of nowhere: it hit.

   Suicidey, makes bad decisions Tara. I'm sitting in my car thinking about cutting, or shooting myself, or starving myself, or crashing my car (Ethan's car-I didn't earn it. It's not mine.) Or just never coming home. Then I start bawling. I'm thinking, "FUCK! Life sucks, I sound like a whiny little bitch and no one wants to be around this, me, or my feelings. I don't deserve anything." Which of course makes it all worse.

   I sit in my car and I try to figure out where this sudden crazy, unbalanced, really annoying me came from this time. Hmmmmm.....

   Well, today my boss (who I sometimes think of as my cool-mommy which is totally unprofessional and retarded, especially since she probably thinks I do a crap job) got herself, her boyfriend, and her daughter new iPhones. They bought a laptop too. Somehow I thought I was getting a laptop? Again, unprofessional and irrational but I thought I had picked up some sort of hint about her potentially helping me out with getting a much needed new computer as a going away kinda thing. I did not get a laptop. I was PISSED OFF. Then I felt irritated and anxious- like, why am I being so ridiculous? She's not my mommy- she's my boss. I'm lucky she gives me what she does. Oh yeah. I wish I had a mommy who gave ME things and spoiled ME and I often confuse any and all adult figures who show me an ounce of kindness or understanding with my new replacement mommy or daddy. Fucktard. So then I got really angry. Like, I wanted to punch things and break things and snap necks. Then I was angry at myself for being angry! It was a total hate-on-Tara day. Then I got all weepy and clingy and exhausted and feeling the need for any and all lovies I could get.

   I texted my dad (yet again) asking if he wanted to go for a walk or grab some coffee (which he never responded to) and I became even more disappointed. I have no mom. I have no dad. My brother and sister think I'm some sort of piss-ant fuckwit who thinks all things will be handed to me and lives in a selfish, princess lala land where I mistreat anyone and everyone because I think I can. So fuck them because they hate me and I feel deprived of family and love and I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me right now. No one from my biological family, the people who have known me the longest, loves me. I suck and I am unlovable and selfish and stupid. I'm going to be alone for the rest of my life.

   Then I started panicking about my relationship. Oh my god I move in two months with this person who's super motivated, super busy, going to be super socially connected, and is super handsome and could basically get whatever chick he wanted. Where do I fit into this equation? I don't. I'm a crazy, selfish, neurotic person who takes up way too much time, requires way too much effort, and will never be a fully functioning happy person to be with. Right? I don't know. I don't have the answers. What if we break up in Boston? I can't afford that shit! Where will I go? Who will I stay with? I won't have a car. No one will love me. Ethan won't love me. I'll have no friends. This is a bad scenario I want no part in. What if we move and it's amazing and I love the city and I find a great job and I take a dance class and an art class and find an awesome therapist and Ethan's friends are kickass and we all get along and they like me for me and actually think I have value and I won't just be "Ethan's girlfriend"? But what if everyone in Boston does hella drugs, drinks all the time, and are way more intelligent and academically focussed than I am? I can fit in with that. What if I hate snow? What if I go broke? What if my parents die while I'm in Boston? Do I visit? Do I not? Will I be happy or sad? Should I even care about being in a relationship? Should I be taking this more seriously or less seriously? Is he a fantastic boyfriend or a bad boyfriend? Am I a bad girlfriend? Am I a bad friend? Am I a bad person? Will I be a bad mom? Should I just never be a mom? Do I have bad "crazy" genes I could pass on?

   Then my body image issues. I'm eating 900 calories a day, hating eating anything, feeling like everything I do is never enough, and I feel like this fat ugly cow stomping around. This guy hit on me the other day and I literally yelled at him. He said I was beautiful and that he wanted my number and at first I was all excited, like, hey, confidence booster! Then I realized- he's probably just in on this thing with his friends where he thought it'd be funny to make get all giddy and happy when really he's going back to his buddies to talk about fat and cottage cheesy I am and how I have FOB nerd face and no tits. I told him to fuck off and leave me alone. Then I felt like an ass hole. I'm a bitch.

   I put clothes on, look at myself, and cry. How can it be so easy for people to look so thin and so hard for me to just be consistent, eat healthy normal things, workout, and lose weight? Where is my mommy who steps in and says, "you look so beautiful, I can't believe I get to have you as my daughter." Where's my awesome, all for me, support system? Obviously, I don't deserve one.

   Today, I feel like shit. I hope tomorrow, or some time very soon, I'll pull myself together and find some wisdom......or something....to talk about.

Getting Fit and Less Obsessed: Monday, June 6th, 2011 (Beginning Week 4)

My Starting Weight: 129.6 LBS

My Current Weight: 132.4 LBS (Muscle?)

My Goal Weight: Between 110 LBS and 115 LBS- After this 10 week program, I feel like I'll pretty much be where I should be at. Wherever that is.

Diet for This Week:

• 6 glasses of water a day
• 5 servings of fruit per day
• 5 servings of fruit per day
• 2 servings of meat per week
• 2 eggs per week
• 3 servings of beans per week
• 1 serving of nuts per day
• 1 serving of dried fruit per day
• 2 coffee's per week (Ugh...this one is hard for me)
• 1 serving bread per day
• 3 servings of yogurt per week
• 1 serving of milk per day
• 3 servings of oats per week

I go back and forth. I've been counting calories and it makes me sad.

Workout Plan For This Week:

-5 Mile Loop every day (walking)

-3 Runs Per Week

-Tae Bo Once Per Week

-Ab Workout DVD Once Per Week

-Timed Mile Run on Sunday

-Toning Exercises Daily

My Feelings on What I Look Like Now and How I Did Last Week:

I feel fat. Really fat. I think about how fat and gross and ugly I am every day. People, I am the opposite of "un-obsessed." I look like a blob. I'm pissed off. And I'm gaining weight. AWESOME. Hopefully I feel better soon?

My Mile Time: 11 Minutes 45 Seconds 
My Upcoming Reward:


Once I hit 124 LBS I get to go buy:

-A Mani+Pedi With a Friend 

-One Pair of High Heels

-One Pair of Wedge Heel Peep Toes

Don't forget to "Like" my Facebook page here: http://www.facebook.com/pages/Taras-Feeling-Young-and-Being-Grown-Blog/172591539461423

Ask me now if you're interested in joining me on a fitness plan or coming with for the fun rewards. (Especially the girls' spa trip at Burke Williams at the end!)

Email me at stargee@me.com

Financial Planning: My Goals Before I Move

   I just did a bit of color-coded financial planning and I thought I'd share! My move is coming up (beginning of August to Boston, MA) and I also have my weight-loss rewards to plan for! Unless money falls out of the sky, or I get more work than I planned- I probably won't be able to afford some of the rewards I planned for but I can afford more than I thought!

Summer 2011 Financial Planning


Jobs, Income, and Goal Take Home Per Week:

1. Nannying- $100 (8 to 9 hours a week)
2. Macy's Retail $100 (12.5 hours a week)
3. Doggone Good $60 (5 hours a week)
4. Babysitting $110 (10 hours a week)
5. House Cleaning Chores $36 (3 hours a week) 
6. Savings-Match $37.50 

Total, that's $443.50 a week and $1,774 a month

June 1st, 2011

• I have $5,000 saved total as of June 1st, 2011
• I have $2,000 saved for 4 months worth of rent
• I have enough saved for 6 months of school
• I have enough saved for one plane ticket
• I have enough saved for $800 worth of furniture
• I have $300 saved for my pet, Paolo if he gets sick
• I have $400 saved for a TV and or a new Macbook Pro 
• I want a minimum of $6,650 saved by the time I move

Goal for End of June

Rent: $2,500

School: $800

Travel: $500

Furniture: $900

Paolo: $300

Emergency: $25

Laptop/TV: $500

Pamper/Clothing: -

Goal for End of July

Rent: $3,000

School: $1,000

Travel: $700

Furniture: $1,000

Paolo: $300

Emergency: $50

Laptop/TV: $600

Pamper/Clothing: -

Within the Next Week I Need to:

1. Open a bank account at Bank of America
2. Advertise my babysitting/petsitting/house sitting services around the neighborhood and at Starbucks
3. Make business cards

Summer 2011 Weight Loss Pamper Plan

Events and Products

1. Santana Row Spa $100
2. Santana Row Dinner $100
3. x's 2 Mani+Pedi $60
4. Haircut and Dye $80
5. Crest Whitening Strips $40
6. Makeup Tutorial $100
7. Hair Conditioner $30
8. Lotion $30

Clothing

1. Boot Cut Blue Jeans $70
2. Semi-Skinny Black Jeans $70
3. Pencil Skirt Black $50
4. High Waisted Tight Skirt $50
5. Express Black Slacks $50
6. 5 Blouses $150
7. 5 Layering Tops $70
8. Workout Pants, Shorts, Sports Bra, and Top $150
9. 2 American Apparel Sweatshirts $100
10. Dress Shorts (Grey) $30
11. Dress/Casual Shorts (Black) $50
12. Booty-Jean-Shorts with Belt $30
13. 2 Dressy Dresses $70
14. 2 Summer Dresses $50

Accessories:

1. Lace Leggings $20
2. Peep Toes with Wedge Heel $30
3. High Heels $30
4. Nice Silver Necklace $50
5. Nice Silver Ring $50
6. Pair High Boots $100
7. Cute Flats $30
8. Flip Flops $10
9. High Top Nikes $70
10. Nice Workout Shoes $80
11. Summer Purse $100
12. Victoria's Secret/ Fredricks Lingerie (10 panties, 2 outfits, 3 bras) $200

That comes to $2,260.......We'll see about that! If I narrow it down to the must haves, it comes to $700. Can money fall from the sky now? Or moving-away gift cards?

Getting Fit and Less Obsessed: Monday, May 30th, 2011

My Starting Weight: 129.6 LBS

My Current Weight: 131.6 LBS (Even more exciting.....)

My Goal Weight: Between 110 LBS and 115 LBS- After this 10 week program, I feel like I'll pretty much be where I should be at. Wherever that is.

Diet for This Week:

• 6 glasses of water a day
• 5 servings of fruit per day
• 5 servings of fruit per day
• 2 servings of meat per week
• 2 eggs per week
• 3 servings of beans per week
• 1 serving of nuts per day
• 1 serving of dried fruit per day
• 2 coffee's per week (Ugh...this one is hard for me)
• 1 serving bread per day
• 3 servings of yogurt per week
• 1 serving of milk per day
• 3 servings of oats per week

My calorie budget is.....whatever per day. Things like avocados and bananas and tons of other healthy, great things are really high calorie foods and I cannot eat 1,300 cal's per day. Doesn't work. I'm not counting. 

Workout Plan For This Week:

-5 Minute Run and 25 Minute Walk Monday, Wednesday, Friday

-Tae-Bo Tuesday for 45 Minutes

-Thursday "Extra Workout"  Dance for 20 Minutes 

-Thursday Tae Bo for 45 Minutes

-Sunday "Extra Workout"   Dance for 20 Minutes

-Saturday 5 Mile Loop (Walk)

-Sunday One Mile Timed Run

-Sunday Run Bleachers

-Everyday: "Pick 5 Toning" (Things like weights, jump rope, stairs, crunches, squats....etc)

I have to work on getting workouts done first thing. 

My Feelings on What I Look Like Now and How I Did Last Week:

Well, I actually feel like my legs, arms, and tummy are more toned but I want to start losing weight already. I know that I had way too much coffee (a Starbucks a day) and I didn't eat enough veggies but I've pretty much gotten rid of my overeating habit. I also drink more water, which is good. I feel really pissed off about the fact that I weigh more than when I started. Hoping it's just muscle gain not weight gain? Hoping I'll look good by the end of this. I need a work out partner.

My Mile Time: 13 minutes, 30 seconds (I walked most of it because my knee was tweaking out.) 
My Upcoming Reward:


Once I hit 124 LBS I get to go buy:

-A Mani+Pedi With a Friend 

-One Pair of High Heels

-One Pair of Wedge Heel Peep Toes

Don't forget to "Like" my Facebook page here: http://www.facebook.com/pages/Taras-Feeling-Young-and-Being-Grown-Blog/172591539461423

Ask me now if you're interested in joining me on a fitness plan or coming with for the fun rewards. (Especially the girls' spa trip at Burke Williams at the end!)

Email me at stargee@me.com

Relationships: 11 Facts You Should Know About Living With Your Boyfriend

So, as most of you know: I live with my boyfriend (and I LOVE it!) But, um, needless to say- we do get on each other's nerves every now and then and he still manages to shock me. Here are some facts that may or may not apply to your guy and what it's like to live with boys.

Be prepared for lots of farts, weird crazy gross noises, and funky smells. 

1) If you are a neatfreak (like me) consider your lovely boyfriend to be your de-OCD bootcamp, because believe me, you're going to have to adapt.

2) Though I wish it did, living with your boyfriend does NOT mean 100% cuddles and snuggles at all times, whenever necessary or desired. Dudes need their "me time" too and they are not cuddle factories. Ethan always says he wishes he could make me a walking, talking Ethan-Robot to be there for cuddles when he needed to get shit done. Luckily, Ethan practices sax 6 hours a day, I have work 5-7 days out of the week, and that gives us enough space to miss each other and not want to punch each other out, most of the time. 

3) I thank GOD Ethan and I have our own rooms. He has his bedroom with his bed, computer, videogames, and sax-ness, I have my bedroom with my beautiful bed, freshly cleaned everything, writing/reading zone, and TV. I value my personal space and so does Ethan (and so does everyone). Some days, I just feel like doing my own thing, having some quiet time, and not being in girlfriend mode. On those days, Ethan does his stuff in his room or around the house or out and about with friends, and I do my things on my own. Sometimes, I'm a bad girlfriend and I nage Ethan about how messy his room gets. (I kid you not, there is dried avocado on his floor because he's such an avocado fiend.) But, technically, I believe you should let people treat their own space however it is and respect the sanctity of it. When Ethan's in my room, he knows not to wear shoes, to leave his dirty socks outside, and to help me make the bed. I'm totally anal about having a clean space, but he respects that. Personal space and respecting each other's personal space is so key. 

4) Fights you can put on pause when you live apart are a thing of the past. Many a time have we had stupid 3 in the morning fights and it's super exhausting but it definitely speeds up the resolution-process (unless you're like me and you clam up before you let anyone reach some sort of resolution.) Sometimes, I feel like the angry-married couple where he sleeps in his room for a few days, I sleep in mine, and we scowl at each other when we pass by one another. It's a whole new level of battle. 

5) Ethan sleeps in my room when we go to bed. We have our little routine. We watch some Futurama or some Southpark or maybe some Archer or Family guy and we turn the lights off, watch, snuggle, and fall asleep. It feels like a necessary part of the day for me. On nights where Ethan goes back to being his age and going out with friends, staying out til 3 in the morning or coming home the next day, I flip out. I can't sleep, I feel angry and worried- like maybe he's out cheating? But he's not. He's always doing what he said he was going to be up to and the insecure, mistrustful girl in me comes out. It takes a lot of adjusting to, first, get used to a relationship-routine, and then get used to the fact that you're not always going to be able to stick to your routine you made together. Because I cherish my time with him so much, I make sure to at least sneak in one meal with him every day, maybe a workout or a walk, and to go on a date every other week. That helps keep me sane, haha. When Ethan and I move to Boston, I'll have to readjust, flip shit a little bit, and come up with a new plan that fits both our schedules and needs. I told Ethan I'm making up a big white board bingo-chart, where we have to have X amount of things we make sure to do together during the week- that way he knows what I expect, and I don't get disappointed by the quality or how often we're spending time together. 

6) Maybe this happens in relationships, no matter what, but I have a birth control nag on my hands! Just in the middle of the day..... "Did you take your birth control?" or "You're taking it NOW? Aren't you supposed to take it in an hour?" or we'll be gettin' frisky and he'll pause and ask me, all panicked. No, boys. We do not want you to put a baby in us if we're on birth control. We've got it covered. (Well, hopefully you've got it covered.)

7) When you live with someone, they know EVERYTHING you do in the day. I mean everything. I like to be kind of mysterious and keep little secrets because I feel boring and sometimes gross if I don't but in a long term relationship where you live together- he knows. He knows when I overdraw my bank account, when I forget to shave my pits, when I have an upset tummy, and when I mope around all day feeling sorry for myself. Mostly, I've adjusted and I accept that I'm human-that shit happens- but sometimes I totally feel so much pressure to be perfect and girly and confident all the time and that's just not me. Not all the time, at least. 

8) You don't have sex every day! I thought, when you live together, that's just what's done but if anything, you do it less often. I kind of actually don't mind because I feel like if I'm over-sexed, I'll feel like that's all he's interested in, but I was totally shocked. I think when you do live together, you see each other more as a whole, and obviously, you don't get as much of a chance to miss each other and fantasize about what your relationship could be so sex doesn't tend to be the first thing on your mind. Or even the second. There's no mystery.

 "Did we remember to do our laundry?"

 "How was work?" 

"Let's cook together, I'm starving." 

"I know you had a really long day so I'm not even going to think of propositioning you."

 "We had sex 4 days in a row and I'm kind of burnt out. Let's read instead."

I feel like I sound like an old lady but I bet you anything, that's totally how it is for a lot of people. Plus, I have the added dynamic of being a freaker-outer sometimes during or after sex and that's a big turn off. Well, I shouldn't say that. I think it's more that I scare Ethan into staying away for awhile, because he's afraid he's hurt me somehow (which he never does.)

9) Money turns into an "ours" kind of thing rather than a "mine and his" dynamic. Again, I sound like a married old lady but I like to take care of Ethan when I can and he likes to take care of me and people don't tend to like to hear that we share each other's expenses, but whatever. It ends up being even. 

10) When you move in with a person, you find a lot more flaws in each other than you maybe would have cared to. Stupid flaws. "He forgets to flush" or "Her hair clogs the drain. That's totally gross." Or just any small personality-thing or habit- they're all a lot more obvious when you live together. I actually was never too bugged by any of Ethan's habits when I figured them out, but they're definitely a lot more obvious to me than they were before we moved in together- and I'm sure he could tell you loads of bad habits I have. 

11) When you live together (hopefully) your partner becomes your best friend. Ethan is my family, my best friend, where I go to when I need honest advice and criticism, and who I turn to when I'm at my lowest. It's pretty excellent. 

Getting Fit and Less Obsessed: Monday, May 23rd, 2011

My Starting Weight: 129.6 LBS

My Current Weight: 131.0 LBS (Exciting.....)

My Goal Weight: Between 110 LBS and 115 LBS- After this 10 week program, I feel like I'll pretty much be where I should be at. Wherever that is.

Diet for This Week:

• 6 glasses of water a day
• 5 servings of fruit per day
• 5 servings of fruit per day
• 2 servings of meat per week
• 2 eggs per week
• 3 servings of beans per week
• 1 serving of nuts per day
• 1 serving of dried fruit per day
• 2 coffee's per week (Ugh...this one is hard for me)
• 1 serving bread per day
• 3 servings of yogurt per week
• 1 serving of milk per day
• 3 servings of oats per week

My calorie budget is.....whatever per day. Things like avocados and bananas and tons of other healthy, great things are really high calorie foods and I cannot eat 1,300 cal's per day. Doesn't work. I'm not counting. 

Workout Plan For This Week:

-4 Minute Run and 26 Minute Walk Monday, Wednesday, Friday

-Tae-Bo Tuesday for 45 Minutes

-Thursday "Extra Workout"  20 Minutes 

-Thursday Yoga/Pilates for 45 Minutes

-Sunday "Extra Workout"   20 Minutes

-Saturday 5 Mile Loop (Walk)

-Sunday One Mile Timed Run

-Everyday: "Pick 5 Toning" (Things like weights, jump rope, stairs, crunches, squats....etc)

I have to really work on building my stamina and strength. This past week, I couldn't even run the 5 minutes straight. I had to walk in between. I'm taking the time down to 4 minutes and hopefully I can actually do that. I do feel like working out and sticking to a schedule is getting easier, so far. I kind of wanted one break day.

My Feelings on What I Look Like Now and How I Did Last Week:

Well, I feel grosser than when I started out. I made the mistake of stepping on a scale in the middle of the week last week and I weighed like two pounds more than before. Super discouraging, even if it just has to do with water and muscle mass or whatever it was. Even though I'm feeling pretty gross, I am glad I was pretty good about my fitness program and I, mostly, ate what I was supposed to and I did my workouts every day-except I never got around to doing my two "extra workouts." I notice my posture is better, I sleep better, and my mood (generally) is a little better. My arms feel more toned, I like the way my butt looks kind of, and my back feels thinner but I don't like the way my tummy or thighs look at all. It's probably going to take a few weeks before I start to see real results and slimmer tum and thighs. I looooved my lunches and dinners I had during the workweek- they were super healthy, super filling, and felt really gourmet. I skipped breakfast a lot, which is bad, and had a few way-late dinners which I need to work on. I didn't get enough sleep, either so that probably is effecting my fitness. I had..... 5 coffees this week so that was really bad. Sinful Saturday was awesome, though I actually didn't eat enough. I had no breakfast, no lunch, grabbed a frappachino, then some curly fries from Jay In The Bay and then another coffee. Then I made chicken paprikash for the family, and had a chocolate torte with coffee ice cream for dessert (Ethan made that...what a chef!) 


Sunday, bad day. Had coffee when I wasn't supposed to, ate left over chicken paprikash for breakfast...minus the chicken so just noodles and sauce. Had a home made burger for dinner, which was semi healthy- had a grapefruit and a banana and apricot with it. Then had some chocolate torte and ice cream. That was the big fail part. 


I'm trying not to beat myself up over the little stuff but I feel really fat, really gross, really inconsistent, and terrible with follow through. I've always been on the first week of some new fitness plan and I always break my own rules and flake out and eat lots and lots of chocolatey fatty goodness instead. Bad. I'd really like to feel fantastic at the end of this 10 week thing, be able to go on my girly spa trip and feel kick ass, be able to afford my rewards, and feel like a new person for my exciting/scary move to Boston. I calculated all the rewards I have to save up for and....it's expensive. I can do it....but now I need to work three jobs to do so AND save for my move. I'm determined to treat myself because it's been so long since I've been treated and I want to be able to celebrate my own successes without feeling guilty. Such an uphill battle. 


But, so, yeah. I got fatter, so that's cool.


My Mile Time: 11 minutes, 56 seconds (Meh, it's a start.) 
My Upcoming Reward:


Once I hit 124 LBS I get to go buy:

-A Mani+Pedi With a Friend 

-One Pair of High Heels

-One Pair of Wedge Heel Peep Toes

Don't forget to "Like" my Facebook page here: http://www.facebook.com/pages/Taras-Feeling-Young-and-Being-Grown-Blog/172591539461423

Ask me now if you're interested in joining me on a fitness plan or coming with for the fun rewards. (Especially the girls' spa trip at Burke Williams at the end!)

Email me at stargee@me.com